Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Boredom post!

I hurt my back yesterday. I had my trainer workout and I think I forgot, or got tired, and didn't brace my core, especially when I was doing dead lift sumo squats. I noticed a twinge when I got back up to my apt, and by mid-day I was having trouble walking. This morning I was ok until I got out of bed. Then when it had to support my weight/body it got so bad I asked my bf to put on my socks for me. He just looked at me and was, Meg, stay home. You can barely walk, you can't even put on your socks. Work remotely. So that's what I'm doing. No sense being in extreme pain and not getting better. I changed my massage appt to 1 instead of 5 and (when I'm done here, lol) I will continue my work. Brilliant me got server access to my email and put remote desktop on my computer so I can access my systems at work. Le sigh...shoulda left well enough alone, lol. Overachiever over here :)

So back to my back. This is a chronic thing. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I was a competitive rifle shooter for 14 yrs. I hurt my back training one time (was out for like 6 months), and now it's pretty much chronic. Put that with repetitive stress injuries down my left side and I'm a mess! Especially when I have girl time I have to be very very careful about what I do and lift etc. It got a lot better after I lost weight, but sometimes it just goes. Yesterday was one of those times. I need to do more core and low back strengthening. I don't blame my trainer. I've done these exercises lots of times and she's always watching for my form. But if you don't brace your core then she can't really see that. It just sucks cause it derails my fitness. I might go swimming later today since it's low-impact.

In food news, I met with my nutritionist friend yesterday. She was fantastic, but damn it was depressing. Give up caffeine? Give up dairy? No. Sorry. I understand not going nuts, but I enjoy that stuff! I've cut out A LOT. After being schooled by my trainer I am trying to cut out any unnecessary sugar and "white" foods from my diet. But I like coffee. I like dairy. I like meat. Am I wrong to think I can still eat the foods I like and lose weight? I understand that it might not be as fast, but at least I'd be happy right? I don't eat fast food. I've cut out diet pop. I portion control everything. I just can't believe that my diet is THAT bad. But maybe she's on to something. I am going to have to learn to make concessions where I can. But I am not going to totally sacrifice what I enjoy.

On another note, measurements tomorrow! I'm really hoping for some serious numbers. Cause I know the scale is gonna slow down soon. I'm going to need to focus on other things when that happens.

Ok, back to work!

Monday, 26 March 2012

WI 5

I started today out great. Good WI. Enough of a kick in the pants to shed those negative feelings I've been having. Work was hard. Had some rough spots that took up way too much of my time and energy with no real solution/resolution. What throws me is how a student can be all smiley and happy and chatty at school and then turn around and tell their mother that they want to go home? I don't get it. I worked my butt off for that student and while she was in NYC she met her mother and apparently her mother called her agent and complained about the school and that she didn't feel comfortable sending her daughter back to Canada. It felt like a giant slap in the face. We did EVERYTHING for her. She was happy and friendly and didn't complain, except about her accommodation which we fixed. Kills me that after everything she wanted to leave. I have a thankless job and this is why I miss teaching so much.

Ok, rant over. Then our internet died, so that's an expensive technician visit. Then I found out my boss invented a conversation in his head and is now blaming me for something I didn't do. It's not been a good day. At the end I was tired and I didn't want to go to the gym, but I went anyway. Don't want to get into that bad habit of feeling down and skipping my workouts.

I did a 30 min walk on the treadmill. Wait, you may ask, what, a walk??! WTF?? No, this was an incline walk. My trainer told me to pick a brisk pace and keep upping the incline (1 full increment) every 1.5 mins. Holy friggin god. I started with a pace of 3.9 and only lasted like 7 mins before I dropped it to 3.8. I think I ended finishing at 3.6 or 3.7 with an incline of 13. My calves burned, my inner thighs burned, my lungs felt like they were going to explode and I was sweating profusely. Not really the easy workout I was imagining. Gives me a nice break from running which I was getting kinda bored with. My trainer says it's cardio that also builds muscle, but damn!

Food is also back on track. Though I wasn't so keen on my dinner. I didn't oil the casserole dish (or I should have put tin foil down), so I made looneyspoons enchiladas and the bottoms stuck to the dish :( I only got half my enchilada. Also, that recipe took frickin forever and by the time it was done I wasn't even hungry! Sigh. I hate that. Not really satisfying.

Apparently the rant wasn't over, lol. Ok, one more. My bf still isn't home :( By the time he does get home I'll have to go to bed cause it's a trainer day tomorrow. Sigh. We never get to connect anymore.

Ok, now my rant is over! I swear! Here's to a better Tuesday :) Ooooh! I forgot. I have a meeting tomorrow with my friend who is training to be a nutritionist. She's gonna develop a food plan for me :) Excited.

Down 1.2. Very happy with that. I am gonna post more later, but I just wanted to update my stats/milestones, cause that's also 5% gone!! Next one is 10% :)

Sunday, 25 March 2012


So apparently what follows tiredness is anger. I woke up in a pissy mood today. I don't know why. I got to sleep in. I got to cuddle with my bf, but it quickly went sour. Our plan was to have something light to eat then hit the gym, then on to our regular Sunday activities of getting groceries and (me) cleaning the apt. But my bf went directly to his computer and started working (he's really busy on freelance projects right now). I said, let's go. He said, ya, after my coffee, then he asked me to make him coffee. I did it but inside I was boiling.

Now, this is odd. Who gets pissed over being asked to make coffee? I think it was because we had this plan and he was delaying it cause of work. I got pissed because he was ignoring what I wanted to do. We didn't get downstairs until like 11 and I was still angry. Every time he asked me to do something for him I got angry. I was just in a bad mood. I was sick and tired of being responsible for everything. And that includes weight loss. I am getting angry that I have to do all this work that for some people it comes so naturally.

This mood stayed with me all through grocery shopping. We always get a zipcar when we get groceries, it just makes it easier. He met me after working with a friend so had his laptop and mouse and we put it in the glove compartment. After groceries he drops me at home and goes to return the car. He comes back like 15 mins later and asks me if I have his mouse (I had taken his laptop). I said no, it's in the glove box. He said he couldn't find it. Then he starts yelling that he had given it to me to keep and how did I leave it behind, etc, etc. I lost it. It's his goddamned mouse, and therefore his responsibility to find it. With me being so close to the edge, I just started yelling right back. We just blew up at each other.

It felt good, lol. To vent whatever anger I had been feeling. Because I am not sure where this anger is directed. This is not a major fight for us, so I know the anger isn't purely about him. The main source of my anger was my annoyance the last couple days of how hard I have to work to lose weight and keep myself going. I'm pissed that I have to do it. And I think this is resulting from skipping Friday and Saturday. Skipping my workouts is remnant of past behaviour when I wasn't totally committed. It's a sign of reverting back to how I was before. This guilt somehow turns to anger? Not sure. I guess anger at myself and so I take it out on the world at large? I can see that.

I worked out today and I am more or less on track in terms of food. That anger and my lack of control with buffets will definitely be a subject for my counseling session this week. I need some clarity.

Saturday, 24 March 2012


It has not been a stellar week for me. At least, I don't think so. This is why...I feel that feeling coming on again. That feeling you get when you've been doing something for a long time and you start to get tired and lose motivation. I worked out Monday. I had my trainer on Tuesday. Then I had another trainer appt on Wednesday because we missed a session last week. But I think what is throwing me is that I didn't do my plan on Wednesday. MWF are cardio days. I do whatever version of my run that I'm on at the time. But because of the trainer appt I didn't do it. I had planned on getting up early and getting it out of the way and then meeting my trainer for resistance in the afternoon. But I woke up before my alarm and changed the time. Then I was going to do it after my trainer appt., but she put me through some gruelling cardio (think multiple sets of jumping jacks, skipping, and mountain climbers done in a circuit rotation...ugh), and I was tired and I didn't want to do it. I think this was the first time I had backed out of a planned workout. Except for maybe one Friday, but then I'd do Saturday and Sunday to make up for it.

It's like there was a dent in my motivation armour. Or a crack. Because when Friday rolled around and I had to attend a potluck at my school, I kinda went nuts. I ate about 1000 calories for lunch. I had pasta and dumplings and pizza and chocolate chip cookies and banana bread and real coke. I felt gross for the entire afternoon. And why did I do it? I don't know. I don't know what it is about the presence of food and my inability to turn away. I'll definitely be bringing that up with my counsellor next week. Then on Friday I skipped the gym. Again, cardio day. Again, I bailed. Fine, I could take Friday as my rest day and do Saturday and Sunday instead.

Except what happens today? I get back downtown after work and head to the mall (there actually was something I needed). But I'm out too long and the bf and I have plans to meet at 5-ish for some well needed time together. I don't have enough time to workout and get ready, so I forgo the workout and instead focus on straightening my hair. My bf and I are working out tomorrow morning, but it feels like I am very tenuously holding on to a very slippery slope. I peeked at the scale this afternoon and I showed a STS from Monday. That's good news. But my dinner may push that over the edge. We went to Lone Star Steakhouse. I wanted fajitas because I knew that aside from the tortillas, I could handle the choice. I didn't account for the complimentary tortilla chips and salsa. My hand just kept reaching for the basket even though my head was screaming "NO!" Then I had the fajitas and while my plan was to ignore the sour cream, that got put on as well. Along with eating bites of the bf's caesar salad that came with his steak.

So all in all this week I've had 3 very heavy, fat laden meals. Wings, potluck, and tex mex. This does not bode well for Monday. But I'm also scared about my success. This is exactly the same feeling I had before when things started to fall apart. I'm also not tracking as dilligently, as in I forget to do it, or eat before it's planned out. This is very reckless considering how fast I can go down in situations like this. This feeling is not comforting and I'm scared.

Tomorrow is of course a new day, and I will tackle it head on. But there is still some fear and I need to focus on that and learn how to conquer it before I can fully move on.

Monday, 19 March 2012

WI 4

Down 2.8! Very excited with that. This means a number of things:

1) That's 7.4 lbs since I started on February 20th...that's just over 4 weeks
2) I get my first rose tomorrow :) One rose for every 5 lbs.
3) I am almost 1/3 of the way till goal :)

I also got to move 28 rocks from the pounds jar to the lost jar. That was a good feeling. There still isn't too much of a dent in the pounds jar, but the lost jar is starting to show :) (it also happens to be a smaller jar, but whatever).

I feel good. I don't have any desire to eat crappy food. That's pretty big for me. Even when I was full on weight watchers, I would still eat junk food. A lot of the time it was "oh, I deserve it" "it's just this once" "I have a week until I weigh in, it doesn't matter". The only real yearning I had was Red Lobster. Lobster Fest has been on, and those commercials are deadly. The bf is deadlier. We were heading for Thai food one night, and you have to bypass Red Lobster to get there. He was all like "oh, do you want to just get RL instead?" I admit, I panicked. I was torn. In the end I said no, I couldn't afford it (financially, when we go there it's always like $50+, and waist-wise). That's been the only really big temptation for me.

For the first time ever on this freaking long journey, I don't want the bad stuff. I eat pretty healthy and it feels really good. I'm getting smaller, and that feels good too. Getting into size 6 skinny jeans feels amazing. They are stretchy, and from Reitmans, but I'll take it. Having my bf call me beautiful, sexy, and hot, is frigging amazing. He said those things before, but it's nice all the same.

I'm also developing some new and better habits. I work out 5-6 times a week and it doesn't phase me. I don't feel like I am sacrificing anything like I did before. I think part of it is because I do 2 of those workouts with my trainer, so it doesn't even feel onerous...despite her throwing it at me every time I see her, lol. So it doesn't seem too hard to do the 3-4 cardio days. I'm also loving the Saturday work outs with the bf. Exercise used to be a chore for me. I hated it. It felt like work. But now, it just feels right. It feels normal, and that is so amazing. I had my run today. Another one at 5.0. I was going to add incline, but since Friday was the first day I did it without stopping, I wanted to just let it go today. I think I will add incline on Wednesday. Maybe even just for half of it. I'm ok with the speed. I'm not ready to bump it up yet. That gets too discouraging to be honest. Because I really struggle with upping the speed. So I am going to play with incline instead.

A week ago I was crying because things felt so far away. I felt like I was getting to that point where my metabolism slows down and I won't be able to lose weight like I did when I was 25. So right now I am thrilled that that doesn't appear to be the case. I lost 7.4 lbs in under 5 wks. That's 1.85 lbs a week. If I did that for 8 more weeks, I will have lost 22.2 lbs and be only 8 lbs away from goal. It makes things seem a little closer.

My trainer told me that we're going to aim for 10 lbs in the next 6 weeks. So that's a slightly slower pace and I know that she's gonna kill me to get me there. I say bring it on. I am finally ready to accept my success and I am so happy to have that realisation within me.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Positivity Update

Yesterday was great. Bf and I are talking again (dancing around the oh so important issue at hand). I'm going to slowly try to go forward with discussing things and see how I fare.

Aside from the bf stopping being such an ass, I had a good run, maybe even a great run. I went to my regular gym and then unpacked everything and saw that I was missing my headphones. I'm sorry, I can't run without all of my stuff. I can't run along to the gym music. At this stage in the game with willpower and determination holding on by a thread, I'm not about to make my runs even harder. So I decided to head home and hit my condo gym.

This could have been disastrous. I am very easily swayed. If this had happened even 2 months ago, I can almost guarantee that I wouldn't have run at all. I would have said I'm tired. Oh it's Friday, I'll take this as my rest day and go on Sunday (knowing full well how much I don't like exercising on weekends). As I've explained before, I can justify anything. It's a gift.

So I get home and the bf wants to go out and buy a bike helmet (he's doing the 200 km bike ride to conquer cancer for Princess Margaret Hospital in June) and I tell him, nope, I gotta hit the gym. And the biggest part? I actually do it! Cue applause! lol.

So I'm down there, finished my warm up and said to myself, ok, you can't look at the time until 2 songs are over. I was toward the end of the first song, and I said, nope, wait for 3 songs...then nope, wait for 4 songs. I made a commitment to focus ahead of me and not look at the time for 4 songs (which I figured would put me at the 20 minute mark)...and I actually did it!! I was so freaking happy. The run itself was even good. Every time I felt tired I just kept telling myself that it's my body growing stronger and pushing itself. When I finally did look at the clock I only had 5 mins left! So I added incline and pushed myself, all with the biggest smile on my face (pretty sure the girl next to me thought I was crazy!)

It was such a nice feeling after the rest of the week. I don't know what is the cause of it...the self-talk beforehand, the fact that it was the 4th time running at that speed, or I'm just getting stronger, period. In the end I don't really care, it felt great! I think I am going to keep that speed and add some incline next time. I need to start conditioning myself to run outside. I'm still a little scare to hit the pavement. Yesterday would have been the perfect day. It was freaking beautiful in Toronto. But I'm not there yet. I really want some endurance before I attempt it so that I have the confidence to face the fact that running outside is harder than on the treadmill.

Today was good too. Taught at Humber for 4 hours, checked out Winners for workout gear (total bust, the Reebok yoga pants I wanted were no longer there :( ), then on the way home bf and I decided to hit the gym when we got back. I did my resistance workout from my trainer and he did 5K on the treadmill (so jealous of his ability to just RUN...did I mention it was at a speed of like 8.0-10.0? sigh). My workout felt great, added some more weight. Then we hit the pool and swam a bit, then the hot tub, then up to our suite. It was great. We did the same thing last Saturday and it's such an awesome bonding experience. Exercise endorphins and quality time (especially after the last few days we've had :S)

In the 17 days of March that we've had, I've been active 14 of those 17 days. That is freaking amazing! I am so proud of myself. I am really looking forward to my WI on Monday, and I feel in control of what I'm doing. There is something to be said for positivity :)

Friday, 16 March 2012

Thank you

I'm calmer now and no longer feel like screaming or crying (mighta done a lil bit of both yesterday, but anyway). Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to the people who reached out to me about this (either in the comments here, or on the WW boards where so many lovely people support each other every single day).

I don't honestly know what's going to happen. With this situation or with our relationship. But I'm hoping we can calmly discuss things. I tried a little today and he was semi-receptive.

On another note, in a trial because of some negative posts I've made lately about my running...I am about to head downstairs to get my run on and I am determined to stay positive no matter what happens. If I have to stop for one minute, that is not a failure. If I have to drop my speed 1 or 2 points, that is not a failure. I am going to feel good about my run and how I'm feeling and the changes I am making.

Here's to positivity!! Stay tuned to see if I can follow through ;) I'll post an update when I'm done :) (sigh, still looking for emoticon help...not even sure it exists!)

Thursday, 15 March 2012

What do you do when...

Your bf decides to bring his parents over from his native country to live with you (!) in your 560 square foot condo (!) for 4+ months (!)

I've met his parents. His parents are very nice. They are nice people, I like his family (not that we can communicate at all with the no English and no Arabic/Berber thing). But in a small downtown Toronto condo??? With ZERO discussion or consultation with me? I'm torn between screaming and crying. I don't know if this is cultural or not....but I CANNOT live in a small space with many ppl! I am into families living on their own! Living on top of each other is not in my effing culture.

You know what? I'm not even frickin mad that they're coming. If we had a bigger place (god, even an effing TWO bedroom condo!) then I honestly would not care as much. As long as everyone had a place to go and I could go away and close a door and block it all out. But let me give you an idea of my door, go right past a closet and in-suite laundry and you have bathroom. Go straight and you have a hella long hallway that opens up into an open concept living/dining/kitchen space. Walk into the middle of that open concept space and then turn around and face back toward the hallway. What do you see? Our bedroom! With a CLEAR GLASS siding door!!!!!!! That's it. That's my condo. Oh, and a 70 sq. ft. balcony. Can I ask them to stay on the balcony? Something tells me that'd be wrong. THAT's why I'm pissed. Because he took absolute no thought to my feelings. He didn't consider my feelings or thoughts on this matter at all.

When he brought it up I tried to explain to him why I didn't want them to come. No, not to not come, but that they can't stay with us. It's too small! Why couldn't he wait until we had something bigger? But he'd immediately get defensive and say it's his house (uh, only 50%, the other 50% is mine, just sayin'), and it's his family and he'll do what he wants. Great. Thanks for taking into equation your 4+ yr gf who you've lived with for a year now. Thanks for calmly discussing things with me and acknowledging that there might be some issues to having two more ppl in our condo for untold months. Thanks for proving unequivocally that I mean next to nothing to you.

He's not really speaking to me right now. When he texted me today I felt like I was going to cry. I know what my life is going to be like for several months and I just got so depressed. It's going to mean fights with him (because I'll expect things from him that he won't do, such as alone time, speaking English, and making sure that my home is kept in the condition I want it in). It's going to mean a lot of late nights because they can stay up and talk for hours (did I mention the glass sliding door?? doesn't keep out a lot of noise when your living room is right outside of it and you're trying to sleep and there are 3 ppl yelling in a foreign language). It's going to mean Ramadan with his more conservative parents and being pressured to follow along. It's going to mean a complete lack of intimacy and affection because of some ingrained fear of PDA. It's going to mean several months of intense loneliness and potential sadness and I think it's completely unfair that I just be expected to go along with it. They are really nice ppl...but they were here for 3 months before (2 yrs ago), and my bf and I didn't even live with each other and I had such a hard time dealing with it.

I met him after work, and I was angry. Sad and angry. And he was talking about it, and it just came out "oh, I'm surprised they got the visa". Since I've been working more closely with international students and the trouble they have getting visas, I was surprised his parents got theirs. There are things like income, ties to the country, and potential to not leave Canada that the visa officers look into. A lot of people are denied because of those reasons. But I shouldn't have mentioned it. I didn't mention it as a personal attack to his parents (as he took it). I just meant at the specifics of similar types of applications. He took it personal. Very personal. But now there's no way I can talk to him about the issues with them coming here. He's taking it so personally that it would be impossible to talk about it further.

I am so hurt. His complete lack of consideration is a serious blow to me and our relationship. This was a huge decision that was made completely without me, despite it affecting me immensely. I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Maybe if he had discussed it AT ALL with me prior to getting them to apply, then I would feel better. Maybe if we had nailed down the living arrangements (trade off with his brother perhaps?) maybe I would feel better. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that now I feel like crap and that I'm about to lose my bf.

I know what's going to happen. We're going to make up with the promise that I never bring this up ever again. I will inwardly seethe over everything that pisses me off. And I will try to get through this. If I can. If we can.

Monday, 12 March 2012

WI 3

Up....0.2. I was angry (this morning when I WI) but then I got over it. I didn't hold onto my serenity, but that's a whole other story to come. It's my TOM. I also had a sodium laden meal yesterday. But to be honest, if I don't see something major next week I am going to lose it. I don't think my sanity or my confidence could handle a gain or a STS. It won't matter how many small changes I notice, or how many lists I make, or how many times I say that the scale is just one part. Yes, it's one part, but I need that part to work with the other parts. I need it to drop. Is that bad? I feel like it's bad to actually admit how much I need the scale to drop. I feel like I'm supposed to say it doesn't matter at all. But for me, it does.

I'm still focusing a lot on my inches lost (haven't taken my 4 week measurements yet, but I can feel it). I'm still focusing on what I feel (generally lighter and more in control), and I'm still focusing on the feeling of getting stronger.

But in addition to all of that, I need that number to drop. Oh sure, I'm in the middle of an emotional battle and a commercial for Red Lobster's Lobster Fest comes on tv...sigh. lol...c'est la vie, non?

Anyway, as I said, I was good this morning. I was good this afternoon, I headed to the gym with a veritable spring in my step. Time to rock out my second run at 5.0. (did my first yesterday). Hopped on that treadmill, did my warm up, and then started my jog.

Eff it was awful. Absolutely bloody awful. I couldn't make it 10 minutes without stopping. I took a 1 minute break and got back on. Made it maybe another 5 or 6 minutes and took another break. My legs were tired, I was breathing pretty heavily (after 14 yrs of competitive history, breathing is never an issue for me, I can breathe like a champ), but today it was hard. I got back on and made if for the 7-8 minutes I had left, then I stretched, and left the gym in a funk. I was angry. I was sad. Actually, more sad than anything.

I know bad runs happen. They happen all the time, especially for someone building up their endurance. Running isn't second nature to me yet, so some days are gonna be rough. I think also with running at 5.0 the day before, and resistance on Saturday, my body was just tired. It's only been 3 weeks ish (this week is my 4th week back on track), and it will take time for my body to get used to the level of activity I am demanding from it. But it just brought to the surface the frustration at my WI, and the fact that I let myself get to this stage when it could have been prevented. I just felt like everything is so hard this time around. Nothing is easy. So I basically had a pity party in my head on my way home. Got myself into a good funk on the streetcar. Texting the bf was no help. His response? Don't ruin my kebob (I had planned a special dinner for tonight). Gee, thanks babe.

I ended up calling my mom and breaking down on her. It was good to get it out, but I'm still sad. I see my counsellor tomorrow, which is a very very good thing. Two weeks is much too long to go by without seeing someone. There've been a lot of emotional food choices in the past two weeks (most victories, but some oopses as well).

The only positive thing that came from this? I didn't binge. I didn't walk into Sobey's and buy junk. I came home and had an apple with natural PB (which was already tracked as one of my snacks for today). Then I had an orange. The orange was emotional eating. It wasn't planned for. So on one head, emotional eating is emotional eating, but on the other hand, it was a frickin orange. I'll take that over a bag of kettle chips any day.

Tomorrow is a new day (ever feel like Scarlett O'Hara when you say that??) and I will have my early morning session with my trainer and I will feel good about myself and what I'm doing. Because positive thinking is in my control, even when a lot of things are not.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Comfort food

What is it about food that is so comforting? I'm trying to figure out why I gravitate to certain foods when I'm feeling emotional (read: pissed or sad).

Do you know what my ultimate comfort food meal is? Cheese toast (or tuna melt) with tomato soup and LOTS of premium plus saltine crackers, with a big ice tea (the kind you make from a mix). On the surface there's not a whole lot wrong with it, because it really depends on the ingredients I use (low fat vs. regular fat cheese, the amount of miracle whip I use, the type of bread etc., and the amount of saltines I actually end up eating). But I do eat to extreme fullness. There is a lot of salt in this meal, and I love it.

I didn't know what I was planning for lunch today. But I do know that I didn't follow my overall plan. My grand plan for today was breakfast, then grocery shopping, then gym, then lunch. But now I am so full that I have to put off the gym until later in the day.

So why the comfort food? Sigh. I peeked again. Apparently I am not the type of person who learns from her mistakes! lol. I peeked this morning and got pissed off. I was up 0.2. Yet, a) it's TOM, b) I was dressed and had already eaten breakfast, and c) my WI IS TOMORROW!!!!

Ugh. Remember my last post when I said that "oh the scale is just one part blah blah blah"? Damn, what a hypocrite I am! Not even a day later! I know why I did it. I was feeling confident. Even dressed and after I had eaten, I was feeling confident that it'd be down. Silly Meighan. Not silly to have confidence, but silly to not keep that confidence going until tomorrow morning and just have pride that I can hold out for an entire week.

Because where did that peek lead me? To eat waaaay too much and ignore my hunger signals, and to make a meal that wasn't really as OP as I would have liked. As I was making it, I also had some negative energy thoughts running through my head. Somewhere along the lines of "eff the scale, I'm gonna do what I want!" Um, Megs, that's what got you into this situation in the first place! Using food as a weapon. But who am I hurting? Myself! I am deliberately hurting myself! That's crazy. No one else is going to be hurt by my poor choices, so what gives?

So that's the million dollar question...if my choices are only hurting me, then why do I keep making the wrong decisions based on destructive thought patterns? Something to ponder...

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Small changes

This is something that I struggle with. Looking for the small changes in the midst of a very long and big journey that I'm on. So I'm making an attempt to pay more attention to the little changes that are happening in my life and with my body in order to appreciate everything a lot more.

1) I was able to do 15 "real" push ups without stopping. I then was able to do 2 more sets of 10 before I collapsed (an improvement from a week ago btw)

2) My waist is definitely smaller. My shirts are fitting looser.

3) I can run/jug for 20 minutes straight without feeling like I'm gonna die

4) I'm starting to balance out my meals more. Thinking of food more of fuel than pleasure (but still focusing on fueling food that I enjoy :) )

5) I am tracking every day. Today I reached a milestone on MFP...20 straight days of tracking.

6) My "girls" are getting smaller, lol. My cup no longer runneth over in my 34D bra (I prefer the full C I had when I was in the 140s). I'm sorry, but I refuse to shell out $60 for a bra just cause they're a little bigger than the average girl. So I'm wearing out the D bras that I have in preparation of my re-admittance to C-land ;)

That's a pretty good list. I feel smaller, lighter, and more in control. I still have major oopses with food. I try and journal those experiences the best I can, but overall I think I'm definitely heading back to a better head space.

WI is on Monday, which I'm looking forward to (is that weird??) but I think it's a little different than last week. The scale is just one aspect of this thing I'm doing. Just look at that list above...those are some great things to be happy about. The number on the scale is just a part of that, not the whole kit and caboodle.

Tomorrow is a jog day...gotta bump it to 5.0 on the treadmill. I'm a little scared, but I'll take it one minute at a time :)

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Eating out blues

I love eating out. Give me a choice between home made and eating out and I will choose eating out 9 times outta 10. However, when I am OP, I try not to eat out as much because obviously it's really not that good for you. Even choosing the healthier options, nothing beats what you can put together yourself at home and you know exactly what's it in.

I had a dinner with co-workers today. I wasn't really stressing it cause I knew about it since last week and I got up at 6:30 this morning to hit the gym before work cause I know I wouldn't go after work, and I ate balanced and light throughout the day.

My issue with eating out is twofold:

#1 - I NEVER choose the "healthier" option. Ever. It's a very odd justification too. I'm paying to eat out and therefore I want choose whatever the hell I want, not what I can cook at home. However, do I not pay for my healthy groceries? Do I not pay for the food I use to cook at home? So how does this justification work? Not sure. My head's messed up sometimes. But that's my justification.

#2 - I have a very very very hard time following my hunger signals when I eat out. I want to get my "money's worth" I guess? It's also because I don't get to eat that food all the time, so I go all glutton on it.

Went went to Marche Restaurant downtown Toronto. For those not in the know, it's a market style restaurant with all of these different stations and your food gets cooked in front of. omg, the choices!! I walked around like 4 times trying to figure out what I wanted. I ended up with the halibut fish and chips. I LOVE halibut. I'm from the west coast and halibut is my favourite white fish. It was a huge portion too. It was just soo good! I wanted to enjoy every bite of it. I left some fries on the plate (like 4, lol) and probably 1/4 of the fish. But for probably 5 minutes before I actually stopped I had this running through my head: "you're full, obey your hunger signs! You're full, obey your hunger signs!" It took much longer than I would have liked to stop eating. It also took a lot of strength to push the plate away and give the rest to my co-workers.

Then, despite my actually acknowledging my hunger signs and pushing the plate away, I still wanted dessert. I didn't have room for dessert. The fish and chips had my at my cap for the day, including eating what I got from my workout in the morning. My co-worker had mentioned getting something and I thought, hmm, maybe we could share. Then she backed out. I think the only thing that stopped me was that if I got dessert, I'd be the only one at the table indulging. It may not sound like a lot, but it felt like I would stick out, stigma almost is how I would describe it (not that any of my co-workers would EVER make me feel that way, this is all in my head, lol). So I didn't get dessert. But I thought about it. Seriously thought about it.

I'm glad I didn't get dessert. I didn't need it. I had sweets yesterday and have no need to indulge again. I think what also saved me is that I had some candies on the way out of the restaurant (they had jellybeans and hard candies as you leave). God, there was so much sugar in those things! They made me feel ill. It gave me no desire to have anything else except water to flush this out of my system.

So despite the progress I've made in other areas, eating out still remains a huge challenge. One that I am not terribly sure how to overcome.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Shouldn't have Peeked

That'll teach me. I should know better. I've been doing this long enough to know that peeking is bad news. It usually sets you up for a fail. Usually this is what happens when you scale peek:

A) You're up, so you get prematurely depressed (despite the fact that you're probably not following your WI ritual and did it at a different time of day, etc.)
B) You're down and you get happy, till you get stressed about maintaining that till the actual WI
C) You're down, but not by what you wanted and again enter in stress about the actual WI

That's not healthy. I never used to be a multi-weigher. I think my scale can smell my desperation and fear, and like dogs and children, is reacting to it. That's my only explanation.

I was down 0.4 lbs today. The same as my peek on Saturday morning. A loss is a loss right? Ya, I know, but it's not really. Because I'm human, and most humans want to see greater rewards for any amount of effort that they put in. I think I honestly thought that I would lose a pound between Saturday and Monday. But, it's time to be realistic...was I really deserving of a big loss this week? I don't think so.

First, I had a big loss last week. So, like the 2nd week in Biggest Loser, a smaller loss is to be expected. Second, I had unlimited Swiss Chalet (meaning I didn't plan for it, I didn't adjust my daily intake to account for it, I just went free wheelin' essentially), and I had pizza. Twice. The first time is well documented in an earlier post, and I dealt with that decision last Friday. I was severely dehydrated the rest of the day. The second pizza incident was yesterday. Bf and I had gone to Cora's for brunch (had to stand in line outside in like -10 degrees for like 20 mins, but worth it!)...I had two poached eggs, a whole wheat english muffin, two turkey sausages (the small ones), fruit, and hashbrowns...I love cora's hashbrowns, but that's a big breakfast for me. So I wasn't interested in eating lunch till about 4 pm after I had gotten back from my run. We had pizza left over from Friday, so I warmed up 1 (ONE!! sorry, minor euphoria moment there cause that doesn't usually happen), and ate it with cut up veggies. It was completely balanced, but it still was on the outer ranges of healthy for me.

Third, I didn't get in the level of activity that I wanted. I worked out 5 times last week, but I think on my off days from my trainer I need to be doing more. I need to push myself more. On Friday I think I am going to try running for 30 mins. See what happens. I'll have to talk to my trainer tomorrow, but I feel like what I'm doing isn't enough.

Put it all together and at the size that I am, I don't think that 0.4 is unexplainable.

So my decision this week is to try and eat cleaner. I have a co-worker dinner on Wednesday, and Korean food on Saturday. But other than that, I should be able to have a better control on my nutrition. That's the key.

In other news, still sad for no apparent reason. Sigh...gotta love being a girl ;)

Sunday, 4 March 2012

2nd WI tomorrow

I'm a little nervous. I did a peek on Saturday morning (baaaad Megs, I know), and I wasn't that impressed with the result. I was down 0.4, but I feel like it should be more. But then I wonder, should it really? I had Swiss Chalet on Tuesday. Pizza on Friday (but portioned and monitored). Even though it fit into my plan (ok, the Swiss Chalet didn't let's not sugar coat), that's not as healthy food as I could prepare myself. There is a lot of sodium in pizza, even though I tried to chug the water.

I think what's getting to me is how loooooong this takes. I forgot that part. And I am so PISSED, so absolutely pissed that I let myself get here. I was down to 140! I was 15lbs away from goal. As my bf asked the other day, how the hell did I get from 140 to 164??? How did I let myself get that high again? Pardon my language, but fuck is all I have to say! So angry. The only saving grace is that I feel a difference this time. My mental attitude is getting better. I'm actually addressing my mental issues with food. I may have been down to 140, but obviously there was something wrong that I couldn't maintain it. That I couldn't keep it going. Until I conquer my head, I'll never be able to get to goal and actually sustain it. But I'm still pissed.

I told my trainer that she's free to amp things up with me. We've been going pretty slow (IMO) as she kind of evaluates what I can do, and the best program for me. She keeps telling me that we have to walk before we can run, but I want to run! Running burns more calories! lol. I only have her for 3 months because personal training is so expensive. I really want to reach my goal in that time and with that sneak peek yesterday I lose my confidence that I can.

Sigh...the fact that in a week it's "that time", means this week it's PMS time! I don't get bitchy when this happens...I get sad and introspective. And sad and introspective leads to emotional eating. Blah. I could already feel it today. I went for a run, (20 mins non-stop!! wooo!) and it was hard! Harder than Friday. Not sure why. Maybe I'm tired? I've noticed this with running, the exact same thing can feel so different day to day. And afterwards I wasn't as euphoric as I normally am when I have a workout. So the sadness is creeping in and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't see my counselor till the 13th, so I think I have my work cut out for me this week.

Hopefully (as much as I hate relying on the scale to boost my mood), tomorrow will show good results and just show me that it's working and give me the strength to keep going (I will regardless, it'd just be easier).

Friday, 2 March 2012

Feeling Better

I'm on the mend from my cold. That's a relief. I went back to work today. It was rough in the beginning. I walk in and find a whole bunch of things changed. I was not impressed. That is my school and non-school people were changing things. Stressful morning, but even though I really wanted a Tim Horton's double double, I didn't let myself give in. I knew what I was having for lunch and knew it wouldn't fit. Victory for me :)

But my title means something else. I'm not just physically feeling better. I'm mentally feeling better. At least right now, lol. Wednesday was rough. So was Thursday. Wednesday I had my very first counselling appointment at Weight Care. It was only my first session, so I don't know if I can have that much of an opinion right now, but the lady I saw seemed really nice, and her specialisation is lifestyle management, specifically weight management. The session in itself was good. But it was the effects of that session that I wasn't expecting.

It kind of opened a floodgate. A floodgate that really wasn't looking too sturdy because I was sick and cranky anyway. It brought feelings to the surface that I had a hard time dealing with later that day. Especially being back home by myself (still off sick from work). There was a lot of negativity and just melancholia. I had an inner battle over a package of mr. noodle's (you know those like instant ramen noodle things?) I looked up the NI. 400 calories, nevermind the sodium. I put it out of my mind. Except it didn't go very far. I calculated half of the package. I told myself that it wasn't worth it. I went back and forth. Thought I was safe and started preparing my lunch of a turkey sandwich on super healthy german bread. Then my head was back on those damn noodles. I got the package out of the cupboard. Analysed the NI again. Made a decision. Filled the pot with water. Made another decision and emptied the pot. Filled it again. Emptied it again. Finally threw the frickin noodles into the garbage where they belonged.

Win right? Well I very nearly lost. It really could have gone either way. I have no idea what stopped me (and it'd be nice to know what it was in order to call on it in the future!) I had my healthy sandwich and veggies and a few hours later when I wasn't feeling bloated and gross I could appreciate the decision I had made. But it was so close to being the wrong decision. That's what's scary. What's also scary is how long that debate went on. Seriously, like 30 mins of back and forth. That's an awful lot of my life gone on stupid ass things.

But I got through Wednesday (I may or may not have had a tear-filled breakdown on my bf later, but that's another story). Thursday was ok. My main problem was that I was BORED. I didn't want to risk work cause I was still not as close to 100% as I would have liked so I was home again. Bored, bored, bored. I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't hungry. Then I foraged in Sobey's for more fruit and healthy protein so I could have at least a good snack.

But finally, today I mentally feel better. I am recovered from Wednesday. I think it's partially due to how I'm feeling after my renewed attack on exercise, but it's also after reaching a pretty great milestone for myself. At the gym after work I was able to run for 20 mins without stopping! I've never done that before. I've been stuck on intervals before my trainer told me to go for a steady pace versus intervals. I've been scared, and now that fear is gone! It was a fantastic feeling. It may have been at 4.5, but who cares? Baby steps.

It's also because nutrition wise I'm starting to find that balance. I organised a staff lunch today. Pizza Hut. I love Pizza Hut. I get it for their greasy thick crust alone. Well, rather than throwing my whole day out the window I planned my meals accordingly. I had a light lunch and dinner to account for the 2 slices of pizza that I wanted. I then re-adjusted when I had a third slice and half a cup of pepsi (not diet! the horror!) I was over my calories for the day, but then I hit the gym. After my skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks I came in just under and I am extremely proud of that. In the past I would have had probably 4 slices of pizza, several cups of pop, and a whole lotta dipping sauce. Then I probably would have said "screw it" for the rest of the day. I may have gone over my plan but I didn't go crazy and I am 100% accountable for every bite of it. This is not my typical day, so I can handle it. This is very good progress.

So in all, I'm starting to feel better. Starting to get a handle on things. I'm not gonna lie and say I've got it in the bag. I feel like a recovering addict. One day at a time. I may lose it all another day, but I have this day to show that I can do it and that I'm moving in the right direction.