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Sunday, 12 August 2012

What's your take on...

Plastic surgery? Yes, no, maybe? I'm not a huge fan of the aging process (I got that 3-0 coming up in less than 6 months), but when it comes to my face and whatnot, I am not in favour of serious surgery. I'm not gonna stand on a soap box and say I'm never going to get injectables for wrinkles, but I'm also not going to think about it right now when I'm holding on pretty well. Some people I think start waaaaaay too early, then you're stuck with it for years and years. I'd rather do preventative action right now (good diet, good topical treatments), than be stuck on Juvederm or Botox form 30 onwards...that's not cool.

However, serious surgery for my face? No. No facelift or eye lifts or anything. I don't want to alter my appearance. I'm cute and happy with that, lol.

However, as with pretty much all girls, yes, there are some things I'd like to change. But this has more to do with my shape versus my appearance (don't know if those are different, but to me they are). Since losing my first batch of weight (30-40 lbs) I have turned from an hour glass to a pear. I am not a fan of pears. This means that I am no longer proportional. I am bottom heavy and I hate it. Ever since I was a kid I've been like this. It's really a losing battle considering my genetics. Take a look at my aunt's and'll see the family resemblance. It's getting to the point that no matter how much I weigh, I'm going to look like a bloody pear. I also have excess skin from losing 40-ish pounds. That's a lot of jiggle going on down there.

So today, I went to see a noted plastic surgeon in Toronto about liposuction on my butt/thighs. Because no matter how much muscle I build, I still have these fat deposits that will not go away. I am seriously considering plastic surgery to change my shape. Because after 5 yrs of weight loss efforts I still don't look the way I want to. I have gotten so much healthier and I am really happy with that. But I also want my bottom to match my top. I have a 29 inch waist....with a 45 inch butt, and 25 inch thighs. This is so disproportionate and I am extremely unhappy with how I look on the bottom. I hate seeing myself without pants. With clothes on I am ok (minus the wideness). But as soon as I undress I am unhappy. I always turn my back to the mirror in my bedroom and undress with the lights off so that my bf can't see. Not that he hasn't seen me naked before, but I try to limit how often it happens. I hate that when I sit down it like pools around me. And that you can poke my butt and watch it jiggle. I can feel the muscle underneath, but I can't get rid of the extra layers on top of it.

I want to actually look how I feel. I feel small. I feel cute and pretty. I want to look the same way all over. So I went over everything with the doctor. He said he'd take fat from my inner thighs, and a little but from the outer (there's a bulge), and then love handles, and some from the bottom of my butt. He only takes 4 litres of fat maximum so as to not endanger his patients. He said I could expect to lose two inches from each thigh, and about 8lbs of fat. After 6 months or so if the extra skin didn't bounce back, then I could get a tightening treatment if I was unhappy. It's tempting. It's really really tempting. I told him that I am not so concerned with my weight overall. I know that lipo is not a weight loss treatment. It's contouring when you are at/near your goal weight. I'm at about 152 right now. I'd ideally like to be at 140 to even think of having the procedure. Get as small as possible then contour. That makes the most sense to me. So he advised me to work on the next 2-3 months on losing the extra 10 lbs or so, then come back for another consult.

Thoughts? Pro or con? I am obviously worried about the dangers involved in any surgery. I like how his clinic takes a moderate approach to lipo so as to limit the danger. There are doctors who take more fat at one time, but it increases the risks exponentially. I have read up on this doctor extensively, and he answered all of my questions. There was no push to do the procedure. He told me to wait and come back in a few months when I am closer. He was also very clear on what he could do for me and what the procedure wouldn't do. That's important so you don't have unrealistic expectations. Aside from the dangers, there is also of course the cost. $9600 including taxes. That's a lot of money. I could take a trip with that money. Pay down debt with that money. Save that money. Is it worth it to increase my self-esteem to spend almost $10,000?? I'm still wrestling with that one. Obviously it'd be on a payment plan. Probably around $300/month for 3 years. $383. Credit guy just called me. Maybe it'd be better to go through bank of bf....much lower interest, lol.

I'm not going to decide now. I'm going to get closer to goal and see what changes in my shape and what doesn't. I already do resistance and interval cardio, so it's not just that I've been neglecting one form of fitness. I honestly think that I was born like this, and if I'm going to change it, I'm going to need to do something fairly drastic.

What do you think? Would you consider it?

Friday, 10 August 2012

WI Time

Now that I am no longer seething in rage (though I try not to think about it or I'll relapse), I can post my WI. I'm down 0.2. No I was not happy. But I'll take it as down being down.

I also did something else today. I didn't declare Friday my "cheat" day. I let it be as a normal day, and while I did have a treat at lunch, that was it. No full blown meal. Nothing to go crazy about. Let's see if I can keep it going throughout the rest of the weekend.

As for what happened as per my last post. My bf came home and was righteously angry on my behalf. He himself said that his brother is banned from our home, although I don't know how much credit I'm going to give that. I asked what possible excuse his brother had for going into my email and he said it happened "by accident". Ya, accident that you stumbled upon that exact email? No you searched through it. I don't even know if I left my email open. Now, it being my computer, I'm pretty much always signed in. He said that he went to check his email and accidentally got into mine. That's perfectly understandable. It's happened to me a lot too. But you know what you don't do? You don't then just start going through the effing messages. You sign out and sign into your own damn account. Asshole. Oops, getting mad again.

I also told my bf that I am more than willing to take him and his parents out for Eid al-Fitr next week (celebrating the end of Ramadan). I had already offered it. But I also said that I will only go if it's just the four of us. I will not, absolutely will not, go if that ass is going to be there. That could pose a problem since Eid is a huge family thing. Because his parents don't know that he's no longer allowed back here, or really any of the story, if they ask if he's coming, it's going to be pretty hard to explain why not. Basically my bf can make a choice. Celebrate Eid with me and his parents, or with his brother and his parents. I'm not fussy. I just won't be there if his brother is (since I offered to pay for it, it kinda saves me $100 anyway, lol). My bf tends to agree with what I say at first, then changes his mind, or "forgets" as the date gets closer. But I'm not budging. I don't give a rat's ass if I ever see him again.

Anyway...time for dinner...I know I'm not fasting, but man I hate eating dinner at 8:30 at night!! 1 more week!

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

I lied...

I think my one true foe is emotional eating. Maybe weekends and emotional eating are tied? I had a really bad day. Or rather, a large portion of it was horrible, but I can compartmentalize pretty well, so I tucked it away till later.

So here it is. My bf has a brother. Brother and I don't get along. I really don't like him actually. I think he's lazy and a free loader and all around I have no time for him or his BS. He's married, and his wife is going to have a baby in January. Most men would step up and say, hey, I need a job, any job, cause my wife is going to go on mat leave and then we'll have to exist on mat leave income (her job does supplement up to 85% but still). But him? Nope. Baby coming in less than 6 months, with wifey likely going on mat leave, let's say a month before the due date, and no job. He's held ONE job in Canada. For a month. He quit cause his manager was "mean". Really. You didn't like your manager. Who does?? You don't quit your first Canadian job that you desperately need to gain experience and build on your contacts just because you don't like your manager. Suck it up!

Anyway...that's just some background on what type of person he is.

He's also a snooper. I have expressly forbidden my bf from allowing his brother to roam around our apartment. He goes into everything! Seriously, he's like a toddler. One time I was in NYC and on skype with my bf and saw the brother go into our bedroom just looking around.

So where is all this going? Today I get an email from my bf saying "read plz". So I read it, and it's an excerpt from an email I sent to my trainer a couple days ago. In it I said the "inlaws are at the idiot brother's house" and then I went on to say that I don't have any problems except my inlaws trying to feed me at like 1 am and me not knowing how to say no thank you, I can't eat couscous at 1 am, I'll get fat (language barrier). My bf wrote in the email "what is this supposed to mean?" At first I was like, crap, I called his brother an idiot, maybe he took offense (forgetting that he himself has said the exact same thing, but hey, we're weird with family). Then I started the hell did he know?? Where did he get the excerpt. And why just an excerpt? If my bf had been the one to get it, he would have seen the whole email. So I email him back explaining what I meant...then I was like, ummm, why you reading my email???

He ignored my email and my resulting text messages. Then after work I called him and he picked up and he's all like, who did you send that to? What does it mean? I told him I sent it to my trainer, and he's still acting all pissy. So I asked, where did you get it...why were you in my email? He's like "brother (name omitted) sent it to me". HIS BROTHER WENT INTO MY PERSONAL COMPUTER AND INTO MY EMAIL AND SENT STUFF HE DIDN'T LIKE TO MY BF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently his dad had a dr's appt, and he needed a file in our apt. So my bf sent the brother with his parents to get it. During that time he went onto my computer and did such a gross violation of my privacy that I am still livid. bf is still acting pissy and we hang up, and I'm texting him going, uh, excuse me??? I call your brother an idiot and THAT'S the big news here? Not the fact that he broke into my email?? My bf was like, you called me an idiot.

No. I. Didn't. All because of a misread apostrophe, my bf was all mad cause he thought I was calling him an idiot to my trainer. Seriously??? All of this because of a mis-read apostrophe?? So after that was cleared up, I'm like, what about what your brother did???? Oh we'll get it sorted out. No big deal. Really?? I have personal stuff on my computer. For one, I have quite revealing pics to mark my progress. Do you really want your brother to see those? Or my banking info? Or even just FB and email???

I am so mad at both of them. I was crying because I felt so violated. Oh...he also opened a word doc and put "You are the biggest idiot" in big gold letters so of course I'd see it when I opened my computer.

My bf's like, I'll get a formal apology. Eff that. I don't want a fake apology from that insincere ass. He won't mean it. He'll think it's a big joke. I told my bf to screw that, and that simply he is banned from my house. He is not welcome here. If he wants to see my bf, they can meet on the second floor where our amenities are. But in no uncertain terms is he welcome in my house. I also told my bf that he needs to do something. I am not going to let this go.

To some maybe I am overreacting. But with our history and how he has treated me (the brother, not my bf), I think I am well within my rights to take it as far as I can.

So after all of this...I sat down while my healthy dinner was cooking and ate tortilla chips and salsa and a handful of peanut M&Ms. So angry. So hurt. So violated. Not a great day.

Outside of this compartment, everything else was good. Had my first express bootcamp today. It was a fit test. Did well! But kinda wiped out by everything else. Let's see what happens when my bf gets home. Let's see how he handles this.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

My one true foe...

Weekends. *sigh* I hate weekends. Minus the sleeping in and not going to work thing I really don't like them. I hate the break in routine. I hate the festival/special occasion feel of them. I hate the uncontrolled eating that derails my entire effing week. Not a fan. Now, this is not new. A lot of "lifestyle change" people dislike weekends for the very same reasons I do. Even my mom doesn't like weekends and she doesn't work, so there's not too much routine to break there. Every day's a weekend for her, lol.

I really don't know how to handle weekends. I'm starting to think I should move my WI to mid-week (it's currently Friday). Because after weighing in I do have a sort of "holiday" feeling where I think, oh I can have that cheat meal now, and that cheat meal turns into 3 days. I plan any outings with friends on Fridays, which only perpetuates the problem. I am a believer in having a splurge meal once a week. Otherwise I think you'll go crazy. And that's kinda how I start to feel by Friday...kinda tired of the grind of watching everything that goes into my mouth and wanting that "treat". But, and here's the kicker here, I can't stop it at that one meal. One meal a week is fine. But I can't stop after that one meal. It starts an avalanche that lasts all bloody weekend, and then on Monday (or Tuesday with the whole long weekend thing this past weekend), I'm back to playing catch up. My weight loss is slower as a result. I eat really well during the week. Exactly what I plan. Occasionally having to be very insistant with my in-laws who insist I eat with them during their late Ramadan meals (they use bread as a joke...fine for fasting people, but not so good for a bottom heavy carb lover at 1:00 am!) But otherwise I'm pretty good Monday-mid Friday. Then I go AWOL. I know that I'd go down faster if I could conquer this.

I really like where I'm at fitness wise. I'm making a huge concerted effort to work out and to work out hard. Spin 1-2x/week, bootcamp 2x/week, resistance/cardio 1-2x per week. That's amazing for me and I look forward to it. But all of that is moot if I don't keep my eating under control from Friday night to Sunday night. It gets all undone and it's so frustrating.

How does one create a routine on the weekend? Because if you can manage a semblance of a routine I think it would break the "holiday" feeling. Nothing kills the mood like routine, lol. With Ramadan it's been hard, cause I try to be out of the house a lot and sometimes it's hard to pack things with me. I don't know if I'd be disrespectful by openly preparing my food in the morning. I usually go to the gym for a couple hours on Saturday to get out of my house. But again, if I hit up the food court and get a poutine afterwards, what the heck's the point?? My next step is to prepare things like my protein shakes and stuff at night when it's less noticeable and freeze them for the next day. Sheesh, by the time I get a routine Ramadan will be over and I'll be back at square one!

One thing I have been doing is in my snacks. I pack very protein fibre rich snacks so that I'm not tempted into diving into the bread once I get home. I also don't snack at work on bad things, which I am quite proud of. But again, that's during the week. During the weekends I have a lot more trouble because I'm surrounded by poor options. I know that I am the one that decides what goes into my body. I'm not blaming eating poutine on anybody but myself. But what I really want is a coping mechanism for the weekends.

I think I have to take away that element of "treating" myself. I normally plan a meal or something on Friday, and I think I need to remove that expectation. I'm not sure how to do this without feeling deprived. Unless I use a scale like what has been mentioned on the WW boards. It's got to be a 10/10 on the desire scale. If I could live without it, then meh, let it go. I need to stop planning these treats. I have a "go big or go home mentality", so when I plan a cheat meal, boy am I ever cheating! I think last week it was 4 cheese fettuccini alfredo (I made it myself, but still), with garlic bread and chocolate ice cream for dessert. Anything worth doing is worth doing well eh? Take away the plan and the expectation drops. This could be the one time where not planning could aid in weight loss. It so very often goes the other way, lol. This past week was Red Lobster. Le sigh. So I am taking that expectation away and I will plan instead to make a better choice with whatever I am up against. I will also prepare as much as my food ahead of time so I can stash it in my gym bag on Saturday and Sunday.

If I can make a routine, this will go a lot easier, on myself mentally as well as my waist line!

Friday, 3 August 2012

Portion Sizes

So with the in-laws here there have been some adjustments. I am quite happy to report that the fears I posted about a couple months ago have not been realised. While not easy, it has not been as hard, or as bad as I imagined having my bf's parents stay with us. They are extremely nice people who make an extreme effort to reciprocate any kindness shown to them. This means that when I come home my house is clean (down to laundry folded and put away and our bed made!) and more often than not dinner is on the way. As I mentioned in my last post, it is Ramadan which poses its own difficulties, but honestly, the thing I have the hardest time with is the late hours versus not being able to eat in my own home during the day. They stay up really late. They also like to talk. A lot. I don't know many other Moroccans, but this Moroccan family (especially my bf's mom) likes to talk A LOT. And loudly! My bedroom is connected to the living room...that doesn't equal easy sleeping. So I have ear plugs, and I recently invested in a sleep mask to block out the extra light. It's only for another two weeks before the schedule goes back to normal.

Now, what does this all have to do with portion control? Simple. With bf's mom cooking a lot, I've been noticing a huge change in their portions versus western portions. Now, I know this is no secret. This is quite common knowledge that portion sizes in North America are crazy big. But I didn't expect it in my house. I thought I did pretty well in my house. Apparently not. And I think the reason why is because I have never ever had to make do without. Yes, there have been some weeks where the pickings were slim and I probably had to make do with eating things I didn't really like and it wasn't that plentiful, but never have I done without. So I've noticed that I apparently use meat like it's going out of style. If I am making pasta with chicken in it I will use 3-4 chicken breasts for the 4 of us. My bf's mom would probably use 2, maybe even 1.5. Boy can she stretch out ingredients. During Ramadan Moroccans break their fast with harira, a lentil and chick pea soup made with stewing beef or lamb/goat. With lamb being at a premium in Canada, I buy beef for them. She makes a large pot of soup with about a handful of cut up stewing beef. A handful. And her hands aren't big either. Further, it's not noticeable. Everybody gets some. No, it's not abundant, but everyone gets some (my bf the most of everyone, spoiled mama's boy). You're not hungry at the end of it. It's enough to be satisfied. If I had made the soup, I likely would have put in a good 0.5-1.0 lb of stewing beef. And this is where the difference lies in our cultures, going back to haves and have nots. Same with her couscous. Sometimes she'll put in a chicken leg for each person, sometimes not. And no one ever goes hungry.

In my bf's family there are 7 kids. In a rural part of a developing country, that doesn't usually spell out abundance. Sometimes I have to tell my bf to slow down when he's eating because in a communal eating environment the fastest one gets the best parts. I have to remind him that no one is going to get his food and there is more if he wants. All of this is a great lesson in my own portion control. I don't need tons of food to be satisfied. I also don't need tons of meat. Yes I need my protein, but I don't need to overdose on it. They also eat a lot of beans etc., which is a cheaper, some argue healthier, way to get protein. I can also fill up on other things like veggies (as in the couscous).

It was an interesting observation and one that I hope to take to heart once Ramadan and their visit is over. We can make do on a lot less, and I plan to start living like that.

Have a great long weekend!