It has not been a stellar week for me. At least, I don't think so. This is why...I feel that feeling coming on again. That feeling you get when you've been doing something for a long time and you start to get tired and lose motivation. I worked out Monday. I had my trainer on Tuesday. Then I had another trainer appt on Wednesday because we missed a session last week. But I think what is throwing me is that I didn't do my plan on Wednesday. MWF are cardio days. I do whatever version of my run that I'm on at the time. But because of the trainer appt I didn't do it. I had planned on getting up early and getting it out of the way and then meeting my trainer for resistance in the afternoon. But I woke up before my alarm and changed the time. Then I was going to do it after my trainer appt., but she put me through some gruelling cardio (think multiple sets of jumping jacks, skipping, and mountain climbers done in a circuit rotation...ugh), and I was tired and I didn't want to do it. I think this was the first time I had backed out of a planned workout. Except for maybe one Friday, but then I'd do Saturday and Sunday to make up for it.
It's like there was a dent in my motivation armour. Or a crack. Because when Friday rolled around and I had to attend a potluck at my school, I kinda went nuts. I ate about 1000 calories for lunch. I had pasta and dumplings and pizza and chocolate chip cookies and banana bread and real coke. I felt gross for the entire afternoon. And why did I do it? I don't know. I don't know what it is about the presence of food and my inability to turn away. I'll definitely be bringing that up with my counsellor next week. Then on Friday I skipped the gym. Again, cardio day. Again, I bailed. Fine, I could take Friday as my rest day and do Saturday and Sunday instead.
Except what happens today? I get back downtown after work and head to the mall (there actually was something I needed). But I'm out too long and the bf and I have plans to meet at 5-ish for some well needed time together. I don't have enough time to workout and get ready, so I forgo the workout and instead focus on straightening my hair. My bf and I are working out tomorrow morning, but it feels like I am very tenuously holding on to a very slippery slope. I peeked at the scale this afternoon and I showed a STS from Monday. That's good news. But my dinner may push that over the edge. We went to Lone Star Steakhouse. I wanted fajitas because I knew that aside from the tortillas, I could handle the choice. I didn't account for the complimentary tortilla chips and salsa. My hand just kept reaching for the basket even though my head was screaming "NO!" Then I had the fajitas and while my plan was to ignore the sour cream, that got put on as well. Along with eating bites of the bf's caesar salad that came with his steak.
So all in all this week I've had 3 very heavy, fat laden meals. Wings, potluck, and tex mex. This does not bode well for Monday. But I'm also scared about my success. This is exactly the same feeling I had before when things started to fall apart. I'm also not tracking as dilligently, as in I forget to do it, or eat before it's planned out. This is very reckless considering how fast I can go down in situations like this. This feeling is not comforting and I'm scared.
Tomorrow is of course a new day, and I will tackle it head on. But there is still some fear and I need to focus on that and learn how to conquer it before I can fully move on.