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Sunday, 18 September 2011

Looking for that wagon...again

I can't believe that my last post was about a month ago. I completely dropped the ball there. It's been a rough month with work and that has kind of spilled over into everything else.

To catch up, Ramadan is over. So the boy and I are back to normal on that front. I also have my 5K coming up in 4 short weeks. Yikes. Have I been training? Uh, ya, no. I started way back in August. Then stopped. I'm not sure what my excuse is this time. Work? Maybe. I work a lot. But that doesn't stop other people. Extreme laziness? Much more likely. I haven't gotten to the point where running is so much like second nature that I miss it when I don't do it. I have so much stress and so little free time that I am like one of those obsessive hoarders with the free time I do have. Exercise just isn't high up on the list of things I want to do when I have free time. This is likely because I think of exercise as work. I'm not sure if this is it? I don't think so. Who wants to do work? No one. So if I have that attitude then I am never going to do it. My mom is an inspiration on this front. She works out like 5 times a week, and feels as if her day is missing something if she happens to miss a day. If I miss a day I'm secretly (or not so secretly) thrilled because it's one less thing I have to do. That's not really conducive to what I'm trying to do here.

Some people argue that thinking of exercise as "work and therefore mandatory" will make it easier to do. I think I am about to buck that trend. I work 9-5, and then 6-8:30 pm, Monday to Friday, and then 9-1:00 pm on Saturdays. I sure as hell don't want to do anything else termed "work". I want to rest. I want do I change my viewpoint from exercise being something, like work, that I have to do, to something that I do to relieve stress, to relax etc.? Other people do it, and I am just not sure how they do it. Probably by just sucking it up and doing it, lol.

I know you have to do something you enjoy...and while I am not enthusiastically enjoying running just yet, I definitely don't hate it. I like the feeling of my muscles working, of stretching and lengthening as I open my stride. I love being in the zone and just focusing on my breathing and pushing through to levels I haven't been at before. I don't dislike it. That's not the problem. Well, except for running outside, I still have a love-hate relationship with that.

I've written before about changing my attitude about exercise to something I "get" to do, versus something I "have" to do. Obviously I am still struggling.

I have also been struggling with my eating. No tracking in any capacity. And definitely not making the best choices. There has been Mcdonalds, cupcakes, fish and chips, and general just bad food behaviour. I have to go back to some tracking system and dig down deep and find my willpower from wherever the hell it's been hiding the last 2 months. I can say no to a bloody cupcake...that's right...I CAN say no! My choice. Eff all those food pushers. The only person who has the final say on what goes in my mouth is ME. If I hurt someone's feelings because I refused food, so be it. My overall feelings of worth and health well being are far more important.

So...short story long...I am looking to climb back on that wagon. A little bruised and battered, and slightly squishier than I was a few months ago, but with grim determination to take some control of my life in light of the frickin chaos that is reigning in other areas that I can't control. I don't want to go back to where I was...perhaps that's motivation enough.

Here's to always climbing back aboard...have a great Sunday.