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Thursday, 15 March 2012

What do you do when...

Your bf decides to bring his parents over from his native country to live with you (!) in your 560 square foot condo (!) for 4+ months (!)

I've met his parents. His parents are very nice. They are nice people, I like his family (not that we can communicate at all with the no English and no Arabic/Berber thing). But in a small downtown Toronto condo??? With ZERO discussion or consultation with me? I'm torn between screaming and crying. I don't know if this is cultural or not....but I CANNOT live in a small space with many ppl! I am into families living on their own! Living on top of each other is not in my effing culture.

You know what? I'm not even frickin mad that they're coming. If we had a bigger place (god, even an effing TWO bedroom condo!) then I honestly would not care as much. As long as everyone had a place to go and I could go away and close a door and block it all out. But let me give you an idea of my door, go right past a closet and in-suite laundry and you have bathroom. Go straight and you have a hella long hallway that opens up into an open concept living/dining/kitchen space. Walk into the middle of that open concept space and then turn around and face back toward the hallway. What do you see? Our bedroom! With a CLEAR GLASS siding door!!!!!!! That's it. That's my condo. Oh, and a 70 sq. ft. balcony. Can I ask them to stay on the balcony? Something tells me that'd be wrong. THAT's why I'm pissed. Because he took absolute no thought to my feelings. He didn't consider my feelings or thoughts on this matter at all.

When he brought it up I tried to explain to him why I didn't want them to come. No, not to not come, but that they can't stay with us. It's too small! Why couldn't he wait until we had something bigger? But he'd immediately get defensive and say it's his house (uh, only 50%, the other 50% is mine, just sayin'), and it's his family and he'll do what he wants. Great. Thanks for taking into equation your 4+ yr gf who you've lived with for a year now. Thanks for calmly discussing things with me and acknowledging that there might be some issues to having two more ppl in our condo for untold months. Thanks for proving unequivocally that I mean next to nothing to you.

He's not really speaking to me right now. When he texted me today I felt like I was going to cry. I know what my life is going to be like for several months and I just got so depressed. It's going to mean fights with him (because I'll expect things from him that he won't do, such as alone time, speaking English, and making sure that my home is kept in the condition I want it in). It's going to mean a lot of late nights because they can stay up and talk for hours (did I mention the glass sliding door?? doesn't keep out a lot of noise when your living room is right outside of it and you're trying to sleep and there are 3 ppl yelling in a foreign language). It's going to mean Ramadan with his more conservative parents and being pressured to follow along. It's going to mean a complete lack of intimacy and affection because of some ingrained fear of PDA. It's going to mean several months of intense loneliness and potential sadness and I think it's completely unfair that I just be expected to go along with it. They are really nice ppl...but they were here for 3 months before (2 yrs ago), and my bf and I didn't even live with each other and I had such a hard time dealing with it.

I met him after work, and I was angry. Sad and angry. And he was talking about it, and it just came out "oh, I'm surprised they got the visa". Since I've been working more closely with international students and the trouble they have getting visas, I was surprised his parents got theirs. There are things like income, ties to the country, and potential to not leave Canada that the visa officers look into. A lot of people are denied because of those reasons. But I shouldn't have mentioned it. I didn't mention it as a personal attack to his parents (as he took it). I just meant at the specifics of similar types of applications. He took it personal. Very personal. But now there's no way I can talk to him about the issues with them coming here. He's taking it so personally that it would be impossible to talk about it further.

I am so hurt. His complete lack of consideration is a serious blow to me and our relationship. This was a huge decision that was made completely without me, despite it affecting me immensely. I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Maybe if he had discussed it AT ALL with me prior to getting them to apply, then I would feel better. Maybe if we had nailed down the living arrangements (trade off with his brother perhaps?) maybe I would feel better. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that now I feel like crap and that I'm about to lose my bf.

I know what's going to happen. We're going to make up with the promise that I never bring this up ever again. I will inwardly seethe over everything that pisses me off. And I will try to get through this. If I can. If we can.


  1. If it were me? I'd say: "Fine, I'll find somewhere else to live for 4 months while your parents take over OUR home; you can pay the bills for you and your parents, and I'll rent somewhere/anywhere (do your parents live close enough that you can crash there for 4 months? or at a sibling's?), and when they move out, we can re-convene." I don't know your boyfriend and I don't know the entire situation of your many years together, but if my boyfriend DARED to make such a big decision without first talking to me about it, and then having the audacity to give ME the cold shoulder even tho HE's the one who screwed up!? Grrr! I'm angry on your behalf

    1. Thank you so much for your comment :) My bf sometimes suffers from what I call "Sultan-ism" aka, he sometimes thinks he's the ruler of the universe (and I am being so culturally sensitive by using the word Sultan because he's Moroccan, lol). I don't know how he got it into his head that this was ok. Sigh. I don't want to be forced from my home :( I'd rather he move out for those months. Grr, hard all around, but thanks for your sympathy anger! I appreciate it :)