I'm on the mend from my cold. That's a relief. I went back to work today. It was rough in the beginning. I walk in and find a whole bunch of things changed. I was not impressed. That is my school and non-school people were changing things. Stressful morning, but even though I really wanted a Tim Horton's double double, I didn't let myself give in. I knew what I was having for lunch and knew it wouldn't fit. Victory for me :)
But my title means something else. I'm not just physically feeling better. I'm mentally feeling better. At least right now, lol. Wednesday was rough. So was Thursday. Wednesday I had my very first counselling appointment at Weight Care. It was only my first session, so I don't know if I can have that much of an opinion right now, but the lady I saw seemed really nice, and her specialisation is lifestyle management, specifically weight management. The session in itself was good. But it was the effects of that session that I wasn't expecting.
It kind of opened a floodgate. A floodgate that really wasn't looking too sturdy because I was sick and cranky anyway. It brought feelings to the surface that I had a hard time dealing with later that day. Especially being back home by myself (still off sick from work). There was a lot of negativity and just melancholia. I had an inner battle over a package of mr. noodle's (you know those like instant ramen noodle things?) I looked up the NI. 400 calories, nevermind the sodium. I put it out of my mind. Except it didn't go very far. I calculated half of the package. I told myself that it wasn't worth it. I went back and forth. Thought I was safe and started preparing my lunch of a turkey sandwich on super healthy german bread. Then my head was back on those damn noodles. I got the package out of the cupboard. Analysed the NI again. Made a decision. Filled the pot with water. Made another decision and emptied the pot. Filled it again. Emptied it again. Finally threw the frickin noodles into the garbage where they belonged.
Win right? Well I very nearly lost. It really could have gone either way. I have no idea what stopped me (and it'd be nice to know what it was in order to call on it in the future!) I had my healthy sandwich and veggies and a few hours later when I wasn't feeling bloated and gross I could appreciate the decision I had made. But it was so close to being the wrong decision. That's what's scary. What's also scary is how long that debate went on. Seriously, like 30 mins of back and forth. That's an awful lot of my life gone on stupid ass things.
But I got through Wednesday (I may or may not have had a tear-filled breakdown on my bf later, but that's another story). Thursday was ok. My main problem was that I was BORED. I didn't want to risk work cause I was still not as close to 100% as I would have liked so I was home again. Bored, bored, bored. I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't hungry. Then I foraged in Sobey's for more fruit and healthy protein so I could have at least a good snack.
But finally, today I mentally feel better. I am recovered from Wednesday. I think it's partially due to how I'm feeling after my renewed attack on exercise, but it's also after reaching a pretty great milestone for myself. At the gym after work I was able to run for 20 mins without stopping! I've never done that before. I've been stuck on intervals before my trainer told me to go for a steady pace versus intervals. I've been scared, and now that fear is gone! It was a fantastic feeling. It may have been at 4.5, but who cares? Baby steps.
It's also because nutrition wise I'm starting to find that balance. I organised a staff lunch today. Pizza Hut. I love Pizza Hut. I get it for their greasy thick crust alone. Well, rather than throwing my whole day out the window I planned my meals accordingly. I had a light lunch and dinner to account for the 2 slices of pizza that I wanted. I then re-adjusted when I had a third slice and half a cup of pepsi (not diet! the horror!) I was over my calories for the day, but then I hit the gym. After my skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks I came in just under and I am extremely proud of that. In the past I would have had probably 4 slices of pizza, several cups of pop, and a whole lotta dipping sauce. Then I probably would have said "screw it" for the rest of the day. I may have gone over my plan but I didn't go crazy and I am 100% accountable for every bite of it. This is not my typical day, so I can handle it. This is very good progress.
So in all, I'm starting to feel better. Starting to get a handle on things. I'm not gonna lie and say I've got it in the bag. I feel like a recovering addict. One day at a time. I may lose it all another day, but I have this day to show that I can do it and that I'm moving in the right direction.