WI 3

Up....0.2. I was angry (this morning when I WI) but then I got over it. I didn't hold onto my serenity, but that's a whole other story to come. It's my TOM. I also had a sodium laden meal yesterday. But to be honest, if I don't see something major next week I am going to lose it. I don't think my sanity or my confidence could handle a gain or a STS. It won't matter how many small changes I notice, or how many lists I make, or how many times I say that the scale is just one part. Yes, it's one part, but I need that part to work with the other parts. I need it to drop. Is that bad? I feel like it's bad to actually admit how much I need the scale to drop. I feel like I'm supposed to say it doesn't matter at all. But for me, it does.

I'm still focusing a lot on my inches lost (haven't taken my 4 week measurements yet, but I can feel it). I'm still focusing on what I feel (generally lighter and more in control), and I'm still focusing on the feeling of getting stronger.

But in addition to all of that, I need that number to drop. Oh sure, I'm in the middle of an emotional battle and a commercial for Red Lobster's Lobster Fest comes on tv...sigh. lol...c'est la vie, non?

Anyway, as I said, I was good this morning. I was good this afternoon, I headed to the gym with a veritable spring in my step. Time to rock out my second run at 5.0. (did my first yesterday). Hopped on that treadmill, did my warm up, and then started my jog.

Eff it was awful. Absolutely bloody awful. I couldn't make it 10 minutes without stopping. I took a 1 minute break and got back on. Made it maybe another 5 or 6 minutes and took another break. My legs were tired, I was breathing pretty heavily (after 14 yrs of competitive history, breathing is never an issue for me, I can breathe like a champ), but today it was hard. I got back on and made if for the 7-8 minutes I had left, then I stretched, and left the gym in a funk. I was angry. I was sad. Actually, more sad than anything.

I know bad runs happen. They happen all the time, especially for someone building up their endurance. Running isn't second nature to me yet, so some days are gonna be rough. I think also with running at 5.0 the day before, and resistance on Saturday, my body was just tired. It's only been 3 weeks ish (this week is my 4th week back on track), and it will take time for my body to get used to the level of activity I am demanding from it. But it just brought to the surface the frustration at my WI, and the fact that I let myself get to this stage when it could have been prevented. I just felt like everything is so hard this time around. Nothing is easy. So I basically had a pity party in my head on my way home. Got myself into a good funk on the streetcar. Texting the bf was no help. His response? Don't ruin my kebob (I had planned a special dinner for tonight). Gee, thanks babe.

I ended up calling my mom and breaking down on her. It was good to get it out, but I'm still sad. I see my counsellor tomorrow, which is a very very good thing. Two weeks is much too long to go by without seeing someone. There've been a lot of emotional food choices in the past two weeks (most victories, but some oopses as well).

The only positive thing that came from this? I didn't binge. I didn't walk into Sobey's and buy junk. I came home and had an apple with natural PB (which was already tracked as one of my snacks for today). Then I had an orange. The orange was emotional eating. It wasn't planned for. So on one head, emotional eating is emotional eating, but on the other hand, it was a frickin orange. I'll take that over a bag of kettle chips any day.

Tomorrow is a new day (ever feel like Scarlett O'Hara when you say that??) and I will have my early morning session with my trainer and I will feel good about myself and what I'm doing. Because positive thinking is in my control, even when a lot of things are not.