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Sunday, 4 March 2012

2nd WI tomorrow

I'm a little nervous. I did a peek on Saturday morning (baaaad Megs, I know), and I wasn't that impressed with the result. I was down 0.4, but I feel like it should be more. But then I wonder, should it really? I had Swiss Chalet on Tuesday. Pizza on Friday (but portioned and monitored). Even though it fit into my plan (ok, the Swiss Chalet didn't let's not sugar coat), that's not as healthy food as I could prepare myself. There is a lot of sodium in pizza, even though I tried to chug the water.

I think what's getting to me is how loooooong this takes. I forgot that part. And I am so PISSED, so absolutely pissed that I let myself get here. I was down to 140! I was 15lbs away from goal. As my bf asked the other day, how the hell did I get from 140 to 164??? How did I let myself get that high again? Pardon my language, but fuck is all I have to say! So angry. The only saving grace is that I feel a difference this time. My mental attitude is getting better. I'm actually addressing my mental issues with food. I may have been down to 140, but obviously there was something wrong that I couldn't maintain it. That I couldn't keep it going. Until I conquer my head, I'll never be able to get to goal and actually sustain it. But I'm still pissed.

I told my trainer that she's free to amp things up with me. We've been going pretty slow (IMO) as she kind of evaluates what I can do, and the best program for me. She keeps telling me that we have to walk before we can run, but I want to run! Running burns more calories! lol. I only have her for 3 months because personal training is so expensive. I really want to reach my goal in that time and with that sneak peek yesterday I lose my confidence that I can.

Sigh...the fact that in a week it's "that time", means this week it's PMS time! I don't get bitchy when this happens...I get sad and introspective. And sad and introspective leads to emotional eating. Blah. I could already feel it today. I went for a run, (20 mins non-stop!! wooo!) and it was hard! Harder than Friday. Not sure why. Maybe I'm tired? I've noticed this with running, the exact same thing can feel so different day to day. And afterwards I wasn't as euphoric as I normally am when I have a workout. So the sadness is creeping in and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't see my counselor till the 13th, so I think I have my work cut out for me this week.

Hopefully (as much as I hate relying on the scale to boost my mood), tomorrow will show good results and just show me that it's working and give me the strength to keep going (I will regardless, it'd just be easier).

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