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Sunday, 25 March 2012


So apparently what follows tiredness is anger. I woke up in a pissy mood today. I don't know why. I got to sleep in. I got to cuddle with my bf, but it quickly went sour. Our plan was to have something light to eat then hit the gym, then on to our regular Sunday activities of getting groceries and (me) cleaning the apt. But my bf went directly to his computer and started working (he's really busy on freelance projects right now). I said, let's go. He said, ya, after my coffee, then he asked me to make him coffee. I did it but inside I was boiling.

Now, this is odd. Who gets pissed over being asked to make coffee? I think it was because we had this plan and he was delaying it cause of work. I got pissed because he was ignoring what I wanted to do. We didn't get downstairs until like 11 and I was still angry. Every time he asked me to do something for him I got angry. I was just in a bad mood. I was sick and tired of being responsible for everything. And that includes weight loss. I am getting angry that I have to do all this work that for some people it comes so naturally.

This mood stayed with me all through grocery shopping. We always get a zipcar when we get groceries, it just makes it easier. He met me after working with a friend so had his laptop and mouse and we put it in the glove compartment. After groceries he drops me at home and goes to return the car. He comes back like 15 mins later and asks me if I have his mouse (I had taken his laptop). I said no, it's in the glove box. He said he couldn't find it. Then he starts yelling that he had given it to me to keep and how did I leave it behind, etc, etc. I lost it. It's his goddamned mouse, and therefore his responsibility to find it. With me being so close to the edge, I just started yelling right back. We just blew up at each other.

It felt good, lol. To vent whatever anger I had been feeling. Because I am not sure where this anger is directed. This is not a major fight for us, so I know the anger isn't purely about him. The main source of my anger was my annoyance the last couple days of how hard I have to work to lose weight and keep myself going. I'm pissed that I have to do it. And I think this is resulting from skipping Friday and Saturday. Skipping my workouts is remnant of past behaviour when I wasn't totally committed. It's a sign of reverting back to how I was before. This guilt somehow turns to anger? Not sure. I guess anger at myself and so I take it out on the world at large? I can see that.

I worked out today and I am more or less on track in terms of food. That anger and my lack of control with buffets will definitely be a subject for my counseling session this week. I need some clarity.

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