Still mother effing sick!!

WTF???? That's all I have to say. I stayed home 2.5 days last week because of a head cold. Then I think I am getting better and the frickin thing moves into my chest and now I have a cough, no voice, and STILL have the congestion. I had to leave work early to come home. Slept for 2 hrs and still felt like crap.

My co-workers think it's cause I didn't stop exercising. I don't think that. I am not pushing myself too hard. Nothing is causing me discomfort. I actually feel better when I am doing it cause it clears out my nose (TMI I know, lol). But now that I have lost my voice and the cough is coming, I'm thinking to give exercise a rest. Definitely the cardio anyway. I'm not going to run tomorrow...or maybe I'll just go for a brisk walk. I don't want to cut it out already. I feel like I have momentum and don't want to give that up.

Here's the other thing. For the first time since I got sick, I want greasy comfort food. The thought of cooking food for myself just tires me out. I got the bf to order swiss chalet tonight. Fries. Gravy. Roll. Butter. Yum, but not so good. My stomach is already rebelling because I've been eating fairly clean for the past week and a half.

I'm not upset about the Swiss Chalet. I'm upset about why I wanted Swiss Chalet. I wanted it because of an emotional desire to have it. I am sick. I am a little whiney (lol), and I definitely wasn't up to cooking. Do you think it qualifies as emotional eating when you're sick? I'm not sure. I'm going to say yes. Because for me, I need control. There was no physical craving for the food. It was all emotional.

This is something that I will be going over in my counselling session tomorrow. This emotional pull. I am trying to go over it with my trainer. She told me that I can have 2-3 "cheat" meals per week. Now, I'm thinking that her cheat meal and my cheat meal are completely different. For me, a cheat me could be like all out. For her, it's using miracle whip. I think there's a disconnect. I told her that I am going to need some guidelines. She told me, no, this is important, you need it. And I told her, yes, I understand that, but with me, control is a HUGE issue. I need guidelines or I will push that boundary and I will end up having the 2-3 "cheat" meals in one meal and think nothing of it. For example, I asked her, ok, what about a dinner out at East Side Marios...pasta dish, bread, caesar salad...one cheat or 3-in-one? She texted back: 3 in one!!!!! See? Disconnect.

I just want to be better :( I also want someone to show me how to put real emoticons in my blog posts, but that's another story.

Back to resting.

First WI Back On :)

Down 4.4! Got to take 44 rocks out of my pounds jar and I put 43 of them in my lost jar...I kept one as a talisman. I don't care that this is normal in the first back of being on track and exercising. Water weight and all that crap...but I don't care. A loss is a loss. It's putting me on a good path to succeed.

To top that off, today, despite feeling like crap, I went to the gym and ran 20 mins at 4.5 (slow I know, but good for me) and stopped only twice...once for 1 min, and once for 30 seconds...then I ran two extra minutes at the end to make up for it. I was talking to my trainer and she wants me to go slower, but sustain it. I don't get to do intervals for a month. I was scared to try it. I don't have very good endurance. But today was a nice surprise. My breathing was totally even, no breathlessness, it was just my legs that got a little tired, and frankly that's wussing out. I was quite happy at the end.

So today was a good day :) Let's keep it going.

2 days till WI

I just want it to be Monday. I hate weekends. Somehow it feels shameful to say that, lol. But I do. Well, at least, there is a part of me that hates weekends. No routine, the feeling of indulgence, a bf who likes to eat out...that doesn't equate weight loss success. So sue me if I just wish the weekend was over.

I snuck a peek at the scale on Friday. I was down 3 lbs from Monday. But I've decided that the official WI will be Monday. That adds a lot of stress to the weekend, to keep on track. There was a reason why I previously had my WI on Friday. But I need that accountability I guess. I want those rocks!!!

I am also going to be entering into week 2 with my trainer, Trudie. I was so mad that I got sick this week. The workouts weren't near as intense as they should have been since I was sick. I am still sick. It sucks. But I am pushing through it. I like my trainer. She seems like the right mixture of tough-love. She's preparing a lot of lower body work, and then I am responsible for cardio on the other days. So far, I've done 4 days this week, and I'm pretty happy with that. I'm also tracking religiously on myfitnesspal.com and on Monday night I'll send her my meals for the week.

Now time to find lunch. I'm thinking 1 slice of a tuna melt. Unfortunately my breakfast kinda bit a hole in my day. Like 500 calories for pancakes...yikes. So I'm going to count out my tuna with the Dimplfemeier bread and a little bit of cheese and see what happens. That, water, and some veggies and I should be good.

Here's to weekend accountability.

I have a secret burning desire...

I want to join a hip-hop class. I don't know why. I am not what you would call coordinated. In fact, I'm as clumsy as all get out. Like, I walk into walls because I underestimate how much space I need (or where the wall is, lol). But for the past year or so, I've had this desire to dance. It's one of the things I wish I could do. There are two big things that I wish I could do: 1) Sing and 2) Dance. I LOVE all those reality shows especially like the Voice or Idol and wish I could do that so bad. Well, I can't sing...there is no hope for that. Horrible tune. Runs in my family. But maybe dancing is something I could do. And why hip-hop? No idea. It looks cool? Pretty sure it wouldn't with me doing it, lol.

I think that I am going to make that a fitness goal. When I get smaller, I want to sign up for hip-hop class. Something very very beginner. I think it'd help my self-esteem.

On another note...I desperately want to move rocks from my "pounds" jar to the "lost" jar. I put my motivation rocks on my tv stand. Especially since I've been sick, I've been staring at those rocks a lot. I was going to take one of the rocks out and carry it with me as a sort of talisman. But then I figured it'd be cheating. I can't take them out until I've earned it. So I have to wait until Monday when I've weighed myself and hopefully get to take some of those rocks out. Then I am going to carry one of them with me in my pocket. When I have a temptation I can hold on to something tangible versus something I can't feel and is only in my head. I can argue very well against myself. That's harder if you're holding on to something that is physical proof of what you're trying to do.

Sigh...this journey had better have a light at the end of the tunnel pretty damn quick.

Motivation Rocks!

My trip to the boonies paid off with pretty motivation rocks!

So I counted out 300 of these darn rocks. Then I weighed myself and had to had 40 more :S Not cool. Turns out I have 34 lbs to lose. Fine. Still doable in the 3-4 month schedule I have set for myself. Today I am just chilling at home. I need to get better before my PT session tomorrow. I am also struggling very hard not to eat everything in sight! I have a love-hate relationship with weekends. And now that I'm sick I'm dreaming of chicken soup and grilled cheese sandwich. I'm going to plug in everything into myfitnesspal and see where the calories land :)

The universe is conspiring against me...

2 days before my first personal training appt and I'm fricking sick! Not cool!!! It's been coming on since Monday. Normally my colds happen pretty quickly, sore throat, then bam, head cold, chest hurts, I'm out for a week. This time it took forever to actually arrive. So of course I was lulled into a false sense of complacency. I thought that it would go away. Nope. Last night I was at a friends house any my voice kept getting more and more hoarse and my nose was dripping and I couldn't breathe. FML is all I got to say about that! Now my head feels like it's about to explode and I'm super tired and I still can't breathe :(

Thank god it's a long weekend. I get to sleep tomorrow too. My plan today is to hit up Michaels in north Toronto to get me some motivational rocks that I've been seeing EVERYWHERE! I first saw it on pinterest. The concept is this...get a jar with however many rocks you need (in my case 300, for every 10th of a pound I want to lose). Then get a second jar or decorative vase or whatever. Then, put the "pounds" jar in a conspicuous place where you're reminded of it. Then, as you lose, place the lost pounds/rocks in the "lost" jar, which is perhaps where your scale is located (or wherever you want it really). I think this is a great idea. I loved it when I did this type of thing with stickers. Which I am also going to pick up at Michaels. I loved getting to put on some big gaudy sparkly sticker to show I had kicked some butt. I'm thinking of getting different stickers for different things. Maybe one kind for activity, one for following through on my eating, etc. Visual keys work for me, might as well go all out.

I was telling my plan to my mom yesterday and she's all on board. But she was like, why are you going all the way to Michaels? I was like, I didn't like the colours of the rocks at the dollar store! She started to laugh at me, and I was like, what?! if something is gonna be motivational for me, don't you think having colours I detest would kinda defeat the purpose?? She agreed :) I love my mom. I hate that she's on the other side of the country from me. But as I am the biggest mommy's girl, we talk like every day, lol.

After the trip to the suburbs is a dinner/movie date with the Moroccan. Something he also planned (this planning thing is kinda throwing me for a loop...two plans in one week??? Craziness! oh, p.s he planned an amazing Valentine's day thing). Then I am coming home to SLEEP! So I can meet with that damn trainer at 6:15 AM (gulp!!) Tuesday morning and not be a pansy!

Have a great (long) weekend!

The final push

I met with the PT consultant today. We talked for almost an hour. She was attentive, and listened to my history and what I needed. It was a great change from my experience at Goodlife. I got my training journal, and I am expecting a call from the trainer selected for me. I also committed to paying $1600. *gulp* That's almost $300 a month for the next 6 months. With that much money I could be lying on a sweet a$$ beach right now. But then again, I'd be depressed cause I'd be too chubby to wear a bathing suit, so I guess that's moot.

However, what the monetary commitment is doing for me is giving me the motivation to address ALL sides of the weightloss equation......food + exercise + psychological well being. I am doing research into overeating and found out that the amazing benefits package I get through the Moroccan's work covers free counselling. I called them today and in addition to that call from the personal trainer, I am also expecting a call from the counsellor selected for the issues I want to cover. I am no longer just focusing on one aspect of this journey (ie. food as with WW), or fitness (as with Insanity or JM). I am doing the WHOLE package. Because I am finally aware of the fact that to fix one side and ignore the other is to apply a bandaid with no real solution.

I kind of feel like I did when I first started WW. The commitment. The drive to succeed. I am going to be accountable to more than just myself, and I am going to get whatever the hell is going on in my head figured out.

This is my push and I can't wait.

Personal Training

I've been feeling pretty stuck lately. I can't seem to keep motivated. I've been trying to analyse this feeling. I need to know what is pushing it, what's keeping me down.

And...I think I've narrowed it down. In my household (aka, my teeny tiny condo with the bf), I am the one who does EVERYTHING. I mean everything. We have a very traditional relationship. I cook, clean, do laundry, pack our lunches, get his clothes ready, basically everything. Am I complaining...hmmm, I don't think so? That's just how we are. That's how he is. I guess some would say, well, just leave it, make him do his own things. But, in the end, I know him. That boy is not going to change. So I take the responsibility. It doesn't usually bother me.

Until....

I get tired. Until I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. When I get pissy that I'm in bed trying to sleep and I get asked to get up and get water (despite him still being up and about). When I start to feel that there is NO ONE to share the responsibility with. Did I also mention that I am also the alarm clock? Yup, I have to push, prod, cajole, threaten, to get him out of bed in the morning so we're not late for work.

So, in the end, I lose the ability/desire to push myself. I am busy motivating everybody else, or pushing everybody else to do something. This is also true in my job. I am the manager of an ESL school. I manage admin staff, teachers, students, everything there is under my management. So at times I feel like, where is the me for me? Where is that person who is going to push me? I am pushing everybody else, who's gonna do it for me? And not my bf...he SUCKS at positive motivation. His form of motivation is to pinch my jiggly bits (pls don't think he's a giant ass, lol...this is post is not painting him in the greatest light, but it's been 4 yrs for a reason! :) )

Sometimes it's easier to just let it go. To fall into oblivion and then I slip of the edge. I need someone to push me. Someone to motivate me, to help me keep going past like 2 weeks, or 1 month.

So, I started searching for personal trainers. Not at my gym. Goodlife can kiss my a$$ in that regard. I am searching for a private company. And, I think I found one. It's not cheap. Holy crap is it not cheap. But, it's twice per week, for 12 weeks. That's 24 sessions, with accountability in between.

I'm constantly asking myself, why can't I get past my plateau? Why can't I get lower than the 140s/150s? Why is WW no longer working? Probably because I've changed. My lifestyle has changed. My fitness level has changed. I don't need to count calories. I need accountability and a new food mentality. I can't get that from WW anymore. I am bored with everything that worked before. This is in essence my last resort. I don't know what to do beyond this.

For the next 12 weeks (once I actually commit), I am going to follow every plan put in front of me. And I am finally going to get a handle on my mental issues around food. I need to research overeating and figure out what my triggers are. Otherwise, I'm never going to reach goal. And I'm never going to be able to maintain it. I'm going to try and re-create that feeling I had when I first started WW. That feeling of determination and desire to keep going no matter what.

Oops

There went two weeks. NYC was great. But it was one long week of a free-for-all. I had bbq, fried chicken, mac n cheese, cheesy fried mashed potatoes (god, that was good!!) and not one work out. I didn't even try. I walked a lot. Like, A LOT, but that was it.

Then, one might ask, what happened to last week? Can't even explain it. I have no excuse. Life? Lack of motivation? I was crazy busy catching up. Lack of money meant very limited groceries. Pick one...any one. This week I am making an attempt again at tracking, at eating properly. I don't know if I want to continue the 17 day diet. It was pretty strict. But maybe that's the control that I need. I did really well with a regimented regime. I don't know if I'm strong enough to allow myself freedom. The 17 DD is expensive. But it's better than spending money on eating out.

So where am I now? Sitting on my couch needing to get up and put on my workout video and get it going. So that's what I'm going to do. Who cares what happened last week? It's today that matters. The past is for analysis, yes, but it is the past.

Besides, once I start, the faster it ends :) Hopefully this is my kickstart and I can start living my healthy life and learn how to get past these obstacles.