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Saturday, 11 February 2012

Personal Training

I've been feeling pretty stuck lately. I can't seem to keep motivated. I've been trying to analyse this feeling. I need to know what is pushing it, what's keeping me down.

And...I think I've narrowed it down. In my household (aka, my teeny tiny condo with the bf), I am the one who does EVERYTHING. I mean everything. We have a very traditional relationship. I cook, clean, do laundry, pack our lunches, get his clothes ready, basically everything. Am I complaining...hmmm, I don't think so? That's just how we are. That's how he is. I guess some would say, well, just leave it, make him do his own things. But, in the end, I know him. That boy is not going to change. So I take the responsibility. It doesn't usually bother me.


I get tired. Until I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. When I get pissy that I'm in bed trying to sleep and I get asked to get up and get water (despite him still being up and about). When I start to feel that there is NO ONE to share the responsibility with. Did I also mention that I am also the alarm clock? Yup, I have to push, prod, cajole, threaten, to get him out of bed in the morning so we're not late for work.

So, in the end, I lose the ability/desire to push myself. I am busy motivating everybody else, or pushing everybody else to do something. This is also true in my job. I am the manager of an ESL school. I manage admin staff, teachers, students, everything there is under my management. So at times I feel like, where is the me for me? Where is that person who is going to push me? I am pushing everybody else, who's gonna do it for me? And not my bf...he SUCKS at positive motivation. His form of motivation is to pinch my jiggly bits (pls don't think he's a giant ass, lol...this is post is not painting him in the greatest light, but it's been 4 yrs for a reason! :) )

Sometimes it's easier to just let it go. To fall into oblivion and then I slip of the edge. I need someone to push me. Someone to motivate me, to help me keep going past like 2 weeks, or 1 month.

So, I started searching for personal trainers. Not at my gym. Goodlife can kiss my a$$ in that regard. I am searching for a private company. And, I think I found one. It's not cheap. Holy crap is it not cheap. But, it's twice per week, for 12 weeks. That's 24 sessions, with accountability in between.

I'm constantly asking myself, why can't I get past my plateau? Why can't I get lower than the 140s/150s? Why is WW no longer working? Probably because I've changed. My lifestyle has changed. My fitness level has changed. I don't need to count calories. I need accountability and a new food mentality. I can't get that from WW anymore. I am bored with everything that worked before. This is in essence my last resort. I don't know what to do beyond this.

For the next 12 weeks (once I actually commit), I am going to follow every plan put in front of me. And I am finally going to get a handle on my mental issues around food. I need to research overeating and figure out what my triggers are. Otherwise, I'm never going to reach goal. And I'm never going to be able to maintain it. I'm going to try and re-create that feeling I had when I first started WW. That feeling of determination and desire to keep going no matter what.

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