I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?
I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.
I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.
I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.
I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.
Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.
I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.
I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.
So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.
This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.
Showing posts with label training. Show all posts
Showing posts with label training. Show all posts
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Monday, 19 November 2012
Weekly Goals
Ok, so I know that Monday is almost over, but I wanted to put out some weekly goals, and somehow I never got around to it on Sunday. This is from a post that someone on the WW boards posted last week, and it stuck with me.
One of my goals last week was to work out 4-5 days last week. I hit 4. I can normally get in 3-4 days Monday-Thursday, but the reason for 4-5 was because I never seem to workout on the weekends and I wanted to push myself to get something done on Saturday or Sunday.
So this week, this is what I want to do:
1) Again, get in 4-5 workouts
3) Drink water at home as well as at work
Things are going really well with WW, but I want to help the plan along as best I can. I used up almost all of my WPs this past weekend, so I don't have a whole lot of wiggle room. But this time around I am actually tracking my WPs, so that's great. In my last kicks at this I didn't really track weekends at all, but now I am much more conscious of what I am doing on the weekends, and I think that's a job done well on my part, and reason why I am doing well at the scale.
My teeth really hurt :( I am pretty much in a blanky/sucky kinda mood. I'd rather kick back with some tea under my duvet with a movie. Looks like I'm getting a cardio morning tomorrow :)
Happy Monday all!
One of my goals last week was to work out 4-5 days last week. I hit 4. I can normally get in 3-4 days Monday-Thursday, but the reason for 4-5 was because I never seem to workout on the weekends and I wanted to push myself to get something done on Saturday or Sunday.
So this week, this is what I want to do:
1) Again, get in 4-5 workouts
- Tonight (if my teeth stop hurting, bloody dentist - if not tonight, then tomorrow morning) - Cardio
- Tuesday - Resistance #5 from 10 lb Shred (could be moved to Sat/Sun)
- Wednesday spin class
- Thursday - Cardio
- Sat/Sun - Resistance #6
3) Drink water at home as well as at work
Things are going really well with WW, but I want to help the plan along as best I can. I used up almost all of my WPs this past weekend, so I don't have a whole lot of wiggle room. But this time around I am actually tracking my WPs, so that's great. In my last kicks at this I didn't really track weekends at all, but now I am much more conscious of what I am doing on the weekends, and I think that's a job done well on my part, and reason why I am doing well at the scale.
My teeth really hurt :( I am pretty much in a blanky/sucky kinda mood. I'd rather kick back with some tea under my duvet with a movie. Looks like I'm getting a cardio morning tomorrow :)
Happy Monday all!
Thursday, 15 November 2012
Work craziness and TMI
This has been a heck of a week. Both long and slow at the same time with the amount of work I need to complete in the 7 hours I am in the office. Sometimes it feels like it just won't end, and other times it feels like time is just speeding by. Next week isn't going to be any different. First of all, my 5 month performance evaluation is upon me. This is what determines if I get recommended for permanent status or not. Gulp. I am not expecting anything other than relatively good news, but still, it's stressful. Then on top of that I have one or two meetings pretty much every day on top of a few presentations I am making to various classes, and then my regular work load. I'm tired just thinking about it and CANNOT WAIT for my Christmas break (fully paid, thank you collective agreement). Also, in just over one month my mom will be here!! That and a brief vacation with Christmas thrown in is what's getting me through the next few weeks.
So in terms of how my week has been going for food and fitness, I keep having pretty much Fri-Sun as a write off. I still track it though. That's my major accomplishment from all the other times I've done WW. I used to not track weekends. Now I am, and it does make me a little more accountable. But I kinda just went into a bf is back celebatory overload. Plus, I came home early on Monday and had a larger than normal (point and portion wise) lunch and snacked on saltine crackers, so my sodium levels were through the roof. Aside from that, Tues-present have been good. Well planned out and tracked meals with no overages. I also got in 3 days of exercise this week, though my goal is 4-5 since I want to ensure I get in some weekend exercise since I keep conveniently "forgetting" about it. What my WI is going to show me tomorrow is anyone's guess. I could go either way, or STS. It shall be a mystery until approximately 8:40 tomorrow morning.
Fitness was good. I am getting really hooked on spin class, and my Tommy Europe 10lb Shred workouts are a nice change of pace.
So what is the TMI you may be wondering? (or maybe not, lol)...well yesterday when I was getting dressed in the morning I paid no attention to how what I was wearing could possibly effect me later in the day. With that being said, has anyone ever exercised in a thong? A lace thong for that matter? Not a g-string, cause I honestly think that would have been better...a thong actually has TOO much material in this particular context. Holy hell the chafing! I was about 5 seconds into the first set of high knees when I realised, oh crap...baaaaaaad underwear choice today! And I had three interval sets to get through! And it wasn't just the more vigorous exercises either, crunches killed me...I guess cause there's a lot of movement when you're going up and down in the crunch position? Let me just say that there was some intense tenderness last night and this morning, and that I sure as hell put on my full coverage underwear in preparation for my workout after work today! Lesson learned. Ladies, pull out the granny panties when exercising! You will thank me later ;)
So that's my week so far. Time will tell for the scale. But in most other areas I feel good. Pretty in control and really enjoying seeing and feeling my body take on a new shape.
I'll be back tomorrow with my WI :)
So in terms of how my week has been going for food and fitness, I keep having pretty much Fri-Sun as a write off. I still track it though. That's my major accomplishment from all the other times I've done WW. I used to not track weekends. Now I am, and it does make me a little more accountable. But I kinda just went into a bf is back celebatory overload. Plus, I came home early on Monday and had a larger than normal (point and portion wise) lunch and snacked on saltine crackers, so my sodium levels were through the roof. Aside from that, Tues-present have been good. Well planned out and tracked meals with no overages. I also got in 3 days of exercise this week, though my goal is 4-5 since I want to ensure I get in some weekend exercise since I keep conveniently "forgetting" about it. What my WI is going to show me tomorrow is anyone's guess. I could go either way, or STS. It shall be a mystery until approximately 8:40 tomorrow morning.
Fitness was good. I am getting really hooked on spin class, and my Tommy Europe 10lb Shred workouts are a nice change of pace.
So what is the TMI you may be wondering? (or maybe not, lol)...well yesterday when I was getting dressed in the morning I paid no attention to how what I was wearing could possibly effect me later in the day. With that being said, has anyone ever exercised in a thong? A lace thong for that matter? Not a g-string, cause I honestly think that would have been better...a thong actually has TOO much material in this particular context. Holy hell the chafing! I was about 5 seconds into the first set of high knees when I realised, oh crap...baaaaaaad underwear choice today! And I had three interval sets to get through! And it wasn't just the more vigorous exercises either, crunches killed me...I guess cause there's a lot of movement when you're going up and down in the crunch position? Let me just say that there was some intense tenderness last night and this morning, and that I sure as hell put on my full coverage underwear in preparation for my workout after work today! Lesson learned. Ladies, pull out the granny panties when exercising! You will thank me later ;)
So that's my week so far. Time will tell for the scale. But in most other areas I feel good. Pretty in control and really enjoying seeing and feeling my body take on a new shape.
I'll be back tomorrow with my WI :)
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Little bit of that feeling coming back
Last week wasn't so great for me. Some emotional eating, a lot of sadness etc. This week I'm doing really well. Have some of that euphoria feeling from the first two weeks on program coming back. Well, right now I just feel really really tired. But before there was some euphoria :)
Yesterday I did resistance workout #1 from Tommy Europe's 10 lb Shred. I downloaded the Gymboss timer app for my iphone. I really wish that it was more editable. I tried to change the timer but then found out I couldn't just pick up where I left off, so I had to wait for ALL of my intervals to go through to catch up. That was annoying. But I finished. And it was better than nothing. Today my back and abs are feeling it a bit, so that's great. I'm thinking of waking up early tomorrow morning to get in resistance workout #2 because with a full day in Waterloo for work (hiring co-op students), the chances of me being able to work out plus prep for my class on Saturday is next to none. So if I work out tomorrow morning, that leaves tomorrow evening for marking and prep. Oh, the exciting life I lead!
So I am happy with the week and how it's going. I felt so much stronger in spin class today. The instructor like egged me on during one portion because I started to slow down. I'm glad to say that I pushed it out. She also said I was improving. AND...I swear my ass doesn't look as big on those tiny seats as it used to :) Still the biggest person in that room, but if I keep going, it won't always be that way.
I'm a little worried about Thursday because I have to get up super early, which usually means little to no breakfast. But I wonder if I can take my oatmeal in my thermos? Is that possible? Hmmm, something to think about. Then, lunch is something out. My manager already told me not to pack a lunch, because we're going to expense something. The good thing? She's a stick. She eats really well, so that's motivation. But more than that it's just going to be a very long day with potential unexpected food situations with WI on Friday.
Also, I am watching the US election. Holy crap. Come on Obama!!!! I'd be so scared to be a woman in the US if Romney won. Even with our Conservative government I don't have that fear because despite the length of time Harper's been in power, I think he's too afraid of our liberal leaning country to take away women's rights or open up the abortion debate again. I can't believe that the US is willing to take a step backward 50 years. Come on people...the country was in a mess...how can one person undo 8 years of destruction in only 4 years?? But I am not going to get into it, because I will admit that politics are not my forte, Canadian or American. Just hoping for a democratic win down south.
Lastly....my Moroccan comes home on Saturday! Presents and my Moroccan?? Awesome day :) That means I have some primping to do Friday/Saturday, which includes my very first brazilian! God I'm scared. It just sounds so painful! Ugh...the things we do ;)
Yesterday I did resistance workout #1 from Tommy Europe's 10 lb Shred. I downloaded the Gymboss timer app for my iphone. I really wish that it was more editable. I tried to change the timer but then found out I couldn't just pick up where I left off, so I had to wait for ALL of my intervals to go through to catch up. That was annoying. But I finished. And it was better than nothing. Today my back and abs are feeling it a bit, so that's great. I'm thinking of waking up early tomorrow morning to get in resistance workout #2 because with a full day in Waterloo for work (hiring co-op students), the chances of me being able to work out plus prep for my class on Saturday is next to none. So if I work out tomorrow morning, that leaves tomorrow evening for marking and prep. Oh, the exciting life I lead!
So I am happy with the week and how it's going. I felt so much stronger in spin class today. The instructor like egged me on during one portion because I started to slow down. I'm glad to say that I pushed it out. She also said I was improving. AND...I swear my ass doesn't look as big on those tiny seats as it used to :) Still the biggest person in that room, but if I keep going, it won't always be that way.
I'm a little worried about Thursday because I have to get up super early, which usually means little to no breakfast. But I wonder if I can take my oatmeal in my thermos? Is that possible? Hmmm, something to think about. Then, lunch is something out. My manager already told me not to pack a lunch, because we're going to expense something. The good thing? She's a stick. She eats really well, so that's motivation. But more than that it's just going to be a very long day with potential unexpected food situations with WI on Friday.
Also, I am watching the US election. Holy crap. Come on Obama!!!! I'd be so scared to be a woman in the US if Romney won. Even with our Conservative government I don't have that fear because despite the length of time Harper's been in power, I think he's too afraid of our liberal leaning country to take away women's rights or open up the abortion debate again. I can't believe that the US is willing to take a step backward 50 years. Come on people...the country was in a mess...how can one person undo 8 years of destruction in only 4 years?? But I am not going to get into it, because I will admit that politics are not my forte, Canadian or American. Just hoping for a democratic win down south.
Lastly....my Moroccan comes home on Saturday! Presents and my Moroccan?? Awesome day :) That means I have some primping to do Friday/Saturday, which includes my very first brazilian! God I'm scared. It just sounds so painful! Ugh...the things we do ;)
Friday, 2 November 2012
Let's turn that crap around
3rd on program WW WI...down 1.0 lb!!!!!!!!!! Friggin stoked about that. I am 1.2 lbs away from getting my 5%. I really really want that next week. Because once that's down, the next 5% puts me smack dab in the 140s and holy sh*t that'd be amazing! Cause then it's only 2 x 8lbs away from goal. I was smiling from ear-to-ear at my WI this morning. I worked really hard to get back on track after my Sat-Sun blips. What's ironic is that on Sunday I didn't even go over my daily PP target...I just ate crap and felt like crap. Saturday was just a gong show that I have no desire to repeat.
So let's look back at this week and figure out what I did. I did get in some activity. About 3 days. I say "about" cause I am not sure I should count Monday. On Monday I didn't have as much time as I thought I would after work and the trip to get new light bulbs for my kitchen, so I did probably about 15-20 minutes of lower body toning work. Nothing too crazy. Tuesday I did spin class...wow. Even the instructor was dying...that's saying something. I totally didn't want to go, but I knew what would happen if I didn't. I felt so awesome when I was done (never during...during always sucks, lol).
Wednesday I got called to supply teach so my nicely planned out evening of a healthy quesadilla with level 2 of the 30 day shred went out the window. I had a take out burrito instead for like 11 PP...it wasn't even that good...how can a burrito be bland?? It doesn't seem possible, but there you go. I got home at almost 10 pm. I was not going to work out...after working like a 10 hour day, sorry, nope. But, I did set my alarm early and Thursday I got up at 7 am and Ms. Jillian and I met over level 2 of her shred. Killed me just like last time...good times. I felt so good about that. It set me up for the rest of the day and complemented the healthy choices I had been making throughout the week.
So my week could have been better...I had a lot more initially planned, especially in terms of activity. But what I take away from this week is the decisions I made. This week's meeting topic was about decisions (food decisions, but still)...and so looking back at the decisions I made I am happy with my progress and my 1.0 lb loss. I stuck with my decision to stay OP even though getting called to teach threw a wrench in my plans. I persevered in finding a meeting I could attend on Thursday night because I knew I had to come to work early today and couldn't stay for my meeting, and the one I was going to go to on Wednesday I couldn't because of the teaching. But it was important for me to be in that room with the support and tell people that I ate two dinners on Saturday, and just ground myself in other people's stories. This had me trekking all the way out to Jane/Bloor for godsakes. That's determination, lol.
So what about next week? Well, I have already pointed out my dinner of pizza tonight. That's my last "splurge" before my bf comes home. Sunday might be difficult because I am volunteering at the Royal Winter Agricultural fair, and that's fair food, including a baked apple blossom that is amazing. To combat anything that may happen I need to up my activity. So I am going back to a training book I bought last year by Tommy Europe. It has great resistance and cardio workouts to help do overall body shaping and strengthening. He focuses on high intensity workouts and I know those work for me. That and spin class should keep me going!
Have a fantastic weekend!
So let's look back at this week and figure out what I did. I did get in some activity. About 3 days. I say "about" cause I am not sure I should count Monday. On Monday I didn't have as much time as I thought I would after work and the trip to get new light bulbs for my kitchen, so I did probably about 15-20 minutes of lower body toning work. Nothing too crazy. Tuesday I did spin class...wow. Even the instructor was dying...that's saying something. I totally didn't want to go, but I knew what would happen if I didn't. I felt so awesome when I was done (never during...during always sucks, lol).
Wednesday I got called to supply teach so my nicely planned out evening of a healthy quesadilla with level 2 of the 30 day shred went out the window. I had a take out burrito instead for like 11 PP...it wasn't even that good...how can a burrito be bland?? It doesn't seem possible, but there you go. I got home at almost 10 pm. I was not going to work out...after working like a 10 hour day, sorry, nope. But, I did set my alarm early and Thursday I got up at 7 am and Ms. Jillian and I met over level 2 of her shred. Killed me just like last time...good times. I felt so good about that. It set me up for the rest of the day and complemented the healthy choices I had been making throughout the week.
So my week could have been better...I had a lot more initially planned, especially in terms of activity. But what I take away from this week is the decisions I made. This week's meeting topic was about decisions (food decisions, but still)...and so looking back at the decisions I made I am happy with my progress and my 1.0 lb loss. I stuck with my decision to stay OP even though getting called to teach threw a wrench in my plans. I persevered in finding a meeting I could attend on Thursday night because I knew I had to come to work early today and couldn't stay for my meeting, and the one I was going to go to on Wednesday I couldn't because of the teaching. But it was important for me to be in that room with the support and tell people that I ate two dinners on Saturday, and just ground myself in other people's stories. This had me trekking all the way out to Jane/Bloor for godsakes. That's determination, lol.
So what about next week? Well, I have already pointed out my dinner of pizza tonight. That's my last "splurge" before my bf comes home. Sunday might be difficult because I am volunteering at the Royal Winter Agricultural fair, and that's fair food, including a baked apple blossom that is amazing. To combat anything that may happen I need to up my activity. So I am going back to a training book I bought last year by Tommy Europe. It has great resistance and cardio workouts to help do overall body shaping and strengthening. He focuses on high intensity workouts and I know those work for me. That and spin class should keep me going!
Have a fantastic weekend!
Monday, 15 October 2012
I hurt and I was ok!
I did the following workout today: http://toneitup.com/blog.php?Stair-Blasting-Circuit-5596 from Tone It Up. I used the stairs in my building. The workout said to find stairs with about 50 steps...so I live on the 12th floor, and so I ran from the 12th to the 17th, feeling all virtuous till I remembered my building doesn't have a 13th or 14th floor! lol. But all in all it was about 3-4 floors per stair interval. My heart was pounding! You run your stairs, walk back, then do a toning move (burpees in a stair well anybody??) then stairs again, then toning move, etc., etc.
Wow is all I have to say. Over in about 15-20 minutes, legs burning, lungs burning (there was a lot of burning going on! lol). This is something I can do easily! Now that I know how much time it doesn't take, this would be a nice morning wake-up.
Part of my fitness fear has been about finding things I like. Running and I will never be besties...bootcamp, umm, nope (was ok when I first started out, but now I just get frustrated at the slow pace and standard moves), dvds, can only go through those so many times. I need booty busting workouts that I can do easily, and so I really love that site I stumbled upon. These are motivating and hard core and I am happy to say that I like doing them (only done 2 so far, so maybe I'm in the honeymoon phase), but part of my fear has been about trying new things. But I tried this workout, and I took on spinning (class tomorrow!) so I think I am finally finding what works.
I am a little concerned about my lung power. When I do intense cardio my bronchials BURN...like hurt so much I can feel it in my teeth (anyone else??)...I try to breath through my nose and that helps a bit, but I don't know if that's something I should get looked at, or if that's just because I let my lung health decline a bit by not going to the gym. I don't get faint or dizzy or anything, I can still breathe, but it hurts.
Anyway, very happy with myself today...stayed completely OP and I found a great workout. I also read an inspiring WW story from one of those weekly emails they send. The lady was a serial WW-er (ahem, like me), and I really liked her message about it all clicking for her. I'm not going to sit here and announce that I am never going off plan every again, cause hello set up for failure...but it's motivational nonetheless :)
Wow is all I have to say. Over in about 15-20 minutes, legs burning, lungs burning (there was a lot of burning going on! lol). This is something I can do easily! Now that I know how much time it doesn't take, this would be a nice morning wake-up.
Part of my fitness fear has been about finding things I like. Running and I will never be besties...bootcamp, umm, nope (was ok when I first started out, but now I just get frustrated at the slow pace and standard moves), dvds, can only go through those so many times. I need booty busting workouts that I can do easily, and so I really love that site I stumbled upon. These are motivating and hard core and I am happy to say that I like doing them (only done 2 so far, so maybe I'm in the honeymoon phase), but part of my fear has been about trying new things. But I tried this workout, and I took on spinning (class tomorrow!) so I think I am finally finding what works.
I am a little concerned about my lung power. When I do intense cardio my bronchials BURN...like hurt so much I can feel it in my teeth (anyone else??)...I try to breath through my nose and that helps a bit, but I don't know if that's something I should get looked at, or if that's just because I let my lung health decline a bit by not going to the gym. I don't get faint or dizzy or anything, I can still breathe, but it hurts.
Anyway, very happy with myself today...stayed completely OP and I found a great workout. I also read an inspiring WW story from one of those weekly emails they send. The lady was a serial WW-er (ahem, like me), and I really liked her message about it all clicking for her. I'm not going to sit here and announce that I am never going off plan every again, cause hello set up for failure...but it's motivational nonetheless :)
Monday, 1 October 2012
Back to normal
Well, the inlaws left yesterday. After 3 months. My final thoughts? Mixed. Sometimes it felt very very long. Sometimes it felt like it flew by. It was not his parents. They are extremely nice people. My only issue was the break-up in my routine. The taking over of my house, my territory, etc., that was an issue. But overall, I was happy at how happy my boyfriend was when they were here. That outweighs the cons that I experienced.
So speaking of routine. People are generally creatures of habits, and the break in my routine and not having my "territory" (aka, my kitchen and my normal food routine) has my hips showing the strain. Also, note to self, don't buy pants one size too big. I got excited at the Gap cause a pair of their skinny jeans fit me. I didn't think ahead to when they got broken in and relaxed...so they're now too big for me. So I have a false sense of complacency that all is well in that department. All is not well. It's not really showing in my upper body, but my lower half feels so much heavier than it did two months ago. I did really well during Ramadan and before, but I fell apart after that.
So, as I partake in a fall cleanse of my apartment I am going to focus on getting back in routine and focusing on what's good for me.
I used to be really good at goals. I was a competitive rifle shooter for over 14 years. I could make and attain goals no problem. I was on the national team when I was 16 years old. I'm not completely certain why my weight and fitness goals are difficult.
I've been successful in my competitive history. Is that the difference? But I've also been successful in weight loss. I got to the point I am at right now and I've maintained. But I want more. So I will keep trying. I will never give up.
October Goals:
1) pack my own lunch to work
2) Spin class 1x/week
3) Resistance with integrated cardio 2x/week
4) Salad with every dinner and/or lunch
5) Weigh in once per week
Back to normal. Back to routine. Success will follow.
So speaking of routine. People are generally creatures of habits, and the break in my routine and not having my "territory" (aka, my kitchen and my normal food routine) has my hips showing the strain. Also, note to self, don't buy pants one size too big. I got excited at the Gap cause a pair of their skinny jeans fit me. I didn't think ahead to when they got broken in and relaxed...so they're now too big for me. So I have a false sense of complacency that all is well in that department. All is not well. It's not really showing in my upper body, but my lower half feels so much heavier than it did two months ago. I did really well during Ramadan and before, but I fell apart after that.
So, as I partake in a fall cleanse of my apartment I am going to focus on getting back in routine and focusing on what's good for me.
I used to be really good at goals. I was a competitive rifle shooter for over 14 years. I could make and attain goals no problem. I was on the national team when I was 16 years old. I'm not completely certain why my weight and fitness goals are difficult.
I've been successful in my competitive history. Is that the difference? But I've also been successful in weight loss. I got to the point I am at right now and I've maintained. But I want more. So I will keep trying. I will never give up.
October Goals:
1) pack my own lunch to work
2) Spin class 1x/week
3) Resistance with integrated cardio 2x/week
4) Salad with every dinner and/or lunch
5) Weigh in once per week
Back to normal. Back to routine. Success will follow.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Trying vs. Doing
I've thought about this before, when I was worried my intensity wasn't high enough. Now I think I'm just not doing enough. I think I am coasting. I ran twice this week. I plan on going tomorrow, but that's three times. I am getting back to my 10K training. I ran an easy 2 miles a couple days ago, and I'm going to try for 2.5 tomorrow to get back on my schedule. But there I go again...I'm going to "try"...why not, "I'm going to do 2.5 tomorrow"? My PT sessions start again Monday, so that's good. Gets me back on track with interval/strength training.
I think it's my runs that I need to amp up. I think I need to add in some speed work, sprints etc., because one thing I do notice already is my body getting used to the distances. I know that straight cardio is not the answer to weight loss, and I think I have this huge fear of plateauing due to my decision to try distance running. But then I think "hey, I'm working out 5 days a week, I'm doing enough"...but it's about working smarter right? Or perhaps in this case it is about working harder. At this moment my runs only equal about 30 minutes of cardio. I think I need to add more interval training into that. My PT sessions normally focus on my lower half, but there are lots of things you can do without overworking your muscles. I'm thinking of looking into yoga. With my back issues I think strength and stretching would be really beneficial. I also really want to do a bootcamp but just haven't been able to afford it. If I do PT, running, yoga, and potentially bootcamp is that too much, or just enough? I just keep going back to the fact that after my runs, ya I'm winded, but I'm not destroyed. This will probably change the closer I get to 10K. But for now, it feels easy.
So I'm thinking that I need to double up some days. Run in the morning, PT at night; yoga in the evening, bootcamp/intervals in the morning etc. I am looking for that magical mixture of activity that will help me push past my limits and get where I want to be.
Going back to my title...I always say "try"...I'm going to "try" to go to the gym, I'm going to "try" to do 2.5 miles, I'm going to "try" to clean up my nutrition. It's time to just "do". Commit and focus, sacrifice where needed. I get a lot of inspiration from Alice over at Mommy Blog. She's got kids and still does everything from scratch and works out like crazy. Her post about food and not wanting her kids to eat at McDonald's really got to me. If someone who has a husband, two kids, amazing weight loss goals, and is going back to work soon can still work out like that, and cook everything from scratch, then why the heck can't I? There is no reason. I work 9-5. I have a demanding bf, not gonna lie, lol, but other than work and him and my small condo that I am essentially responsible for my life is not that stressful. It's not like before when I worked 3 jobs and was NEVER home. The only thing stopping me is my own apathy and that's pathetic.
I have the luxury of having a PT, of being able to do yoga and bootcamp (thank you new job), of being able to buy nutritious food, and of having the time to do everything from workout to eat properly. What I'm hampered with is my whining. "Oh it's hard, it takes too much time", "I just want a poutine!" Is a poutine really more important than reaching my goal? In the moment sometimes it is, lol. But overall, no it's not. This journey takes a certain amount of sacrifice. Between that and my illusion that I am working as hard as I can is what stops me every time.
So despite the fact that I have like a 100 special occasions coming up in the next few weeks (co-worker leaving next week, then my departure the week after), I am going to stop "trying" and start "doing". My goal for June is that. To actually push past my level and to stop my whining. And whenever I notice that I am slipping into whining (cause let's be honest, I should have a coping mechanism cause it's gonna happen), I will remind myself why I'm doing this:
1) To be healthy
2) To be the size (not necessarily weight) that I want
3) To bring back my self esteem
4) To prove that I can
I am going to find a yoga centre, or maybe even look in to the bodyflow classes at my gym cause $$ is still kinda tight. I am going to do everything my trainer tells me to do sans bitchy attitude. I am going to commit to eating healthy and continue to find healthy recipes that work for me so that I am satisfied with what I am eating. Because June is about "doing" and I am tired of just "trying".
I think it's my runs that I need to amp up. I think I need to add in some speed work, sprints etc., because one thing I do notice already is my body getting used to the distances. I know that straight cardio is not the answer to weight loss, and I think I have this huge fear of plateauing due to my decision to try distance running. But then I think "hey, I'm working out 5 days a week, I'm doing enough"...but it's about working smarter right? Or perhaps in this case it is about working harder. At this moment my runs only equal about 30 minutes of cardio. I think I need to add more interval training into that. My PT sessions normally focus on my lower half, but there are lots of things you can do without overworking your muscles. I'm thinking of looking into yoga. With my back issues I think strength and stretching would be really beneficial. I also really want to do a bootcamp but just haven't been able to afford it. If I do PT, running, yoga, and potentially bootcamp is that too much, or just enough? I just keep going back to the fact that after my runs, ya I'm winded, but I'm not destroyed. This will probably change the closer I get to 10K. But for now, it feels easy.
So I'm thinking that I need to double up some days. Run in the morning, PT at night; yoga in the evening, bootcamp/intervals in the morning etc. I am looking for that magical mixture of activity that will help me push past my limits and get where I want to be.
Going back to my title...I always say "try"...I'm going to "try" to go to the gym, I'm going to "try" to do 2.5 miles, I'm going to "try" to clean up my nutrition. It's time to just "do". Commit and focus, sacrifice where needed. I get a lot of inspiration from Alice over at Mommy Blog. She's got kids and still does everything from scratch and works out like crazy. Her post about food and not wanting her kids to eat at McDonald's really got to me. If someone who has a husband, two kids, amazing weight loss goals, and is going back to work soon can still work out like that, and cook everything from scratch, then why the heck can't I? There is no reason. I work 9-5. I have a demanding bf, not gonna lie, lol, but other than work and him and my small condo that I am essentially responsible for my life is not that stressful. It's not like before when I worked 3 jobs and was NEVER home. The only thing stopping me is my own apathy and that's pathetic.
I have the luxury of having a PT, of being able to do yoga and bootcamp (thank you new job), of being able to buy nutritious food, and of having the time to do everything from workout to eat properly. What I'm hampered with is my whining. "Oh it's hard, it takes too much time", "I just want a poutine!" Is a poutine really more important than reaching my goal? In the moment sometimes it is, lol. But overall, no it's not. This journey takes a certain amount of sacrifice. Between that and my illusion that I am working as hard as I can is what stops me every time.
So despite the fact that I have like a 100 special occasions coming up in the next few weeks (co-worker leaving next week, then my departure the week after), I am going to stop "trying" and start "doing". My goal for June is that. To actually push past my level and to stop my whining. And whenever I notice that I am slipping into whining (cause let's be honest, I should have a coping mechanism cause it's gonna happen), I will remind myself why I'm doing this:
1) To be healthy
2) To be the size (not necessarily weight) that I want
3) To bring back my self esteem
4) To prove that I can
I am going to find a yoga centre, or maybe even look in to the bodyflow classes at my gym cause $$ is still kinda tight. I am going to do everything my trainer tells me to do sans bitchy attitude. I am going to commit to eating healthy and continue to find healthy recipes that work for me so that I am satisfied with what I am eating. Because June is about "doing" and I am tired of just "trying".
Monday, 28 May 2012
Back!
From Vegas that is! It was great. Lots of fun. Not as much food as I was expecting (which was good!) but not the healthiest options. We did a lot of great stuff...highlight was the helicopter tour to the Grand Canyon. Amazing. We also did the Hoover Dam, saw some shows, and did a lot of walking. It was HOT. omg. But not southern Ontario hot with all of it's stupid humidity. It was a nice dry heat. Great trip.
When I got back my back was still hurting. So I took it easy. Today it was feeling better so I went for a 1.5 mile run. God I hate coming back to running after being away from it. How does 1 week make so much difference?? I struggled to get to that 1.5 miles. Sigh. Oh well. Wednesday we go again. Hopefully a morning run if the heat is ok. I don't do humid muggy running. But mornings through June should still be ok. It's just July and August that are concerning. My plan for tomorrow is to take a circuit from my Jillian Michael's Hot Bod in a Box and do a strength interval workout. It's killer. I recommend it to anyone. Wednesday running again, Thursday strength intervals, Friday running, then Saturday or Sunday surprise :)
Can't rest on those proverbial laurels. As I was heading out of work today I moaned to my co-worker, "I don't want to go to the gym!" She was like "don't! Walk with me to Union instead!" But I replied "no, if not today, then when?" It's so important for me to buck my usual trend and actually get back on track on the first available day. Today was the day. If I didn't go today, I know that I would have made an excuse for tomorrow, then Wednesday, Thursday, etc. Nevermind sliding down that slope, I'd be barreling down headfirst straight into a poutine.
My main concern is to get my 10K training back on track. I've got a race to run in a month and a half. I want to be prepared. I also really want to lose my ass. Running builds strong legs right? Somebody please tell me that running helps shape up the lower half?? Sigh. That's my only rant today :)
From other aspects of life, I'm waiting for my offer package from GB. Not offer letter, but offer PACKAGE. It's being UPS'd...it's too big to send in the regular mail. Seriously?? What's in that thing?? My acceptance to university seems to be less complicated. I am anxiously anxiously waiting for that package. Then maybe it'll feel real.
Time to relax a bit, then bed :)
When I got back my back was still hurting. So I took it easy. Today it was feeling better so I went for a 1.5 mile run. God I hate coming back to running after being away from it. How does 1 week make so much difference?? I struggled to get to that 1.5 miles. Sigh. Oh well. Wednesday we go again. Hopefully a morning run if the heat is ok. I don't do humid muggy running. But mornings through June should still be ok. It's just July and August that are concerning. My plan for tomorrow is to take a circuit from my Jillian Michael's Hot Bod in a Box and do a strength interval workout. It's killer. I recommend it to anyone. Wednesday running again, Thursday strength intervals, Friday running, then Saturday or Sunday surprise :)
Can't rest on those proverbial laurels. As I was heading out of work today I moaned to my co-worker, "I don't want to go to the gym!" She was like "don't! Walk with me to Union instead!" But I replied "no, if not today, then when?" It's so important for me to buck my usual trend and actually get back on track on the first available day. Today was the day. If I didn't go today, I know that I would have made an excuse for tomorrow, then Wednesday, Thursday, etc. Nevermind sliding down that slope, I'd be barreling down headfirst straight into a poutine.
My main concern is to get my 10K training back on track. I've got a race to run in a month and a half. I want to be prepared. I also really want to lose my ass. Running builds strong legs right? Somebody please tell me that running helps shape up the lower half?? Sigh. That's my only rant today :)
From other aspects of life, I'm waiting for my offer package from GB. Not offer letter, but offer PACKAGE. It's being UPS'd...it's too big to send in the regular mail. Seriously?? What's in that thing?? My acceptance to university seems to be less complicated. I am anxiously anxiously waiting for that package. Then maybe it'll feel real.
Time to relax a bit, then bed :)
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Nearing the end
Of my 3 month commitment with my personal trainer. I really couldn't afford her the first time, and I definitely can't afford a renewal. And I'm not even sure I would renew. In the beginning, let's say the first 6 weeks, it was great. But after I hurt my back and had some limitations I felt that she just kinda checked out. Stopped checking in with me on my off days, and I got 2 at home workouts in the entire 12 weeks. I personally would have thought that the amount of money paid for this I would have gotten more than 2 at home workouts. Then there's this attitude in the workouts. And honestly, I don't like it. Today I was going through mountain climbers (I hate mountain climbers) and she kept pushing (but let me make it clear that it wasn't positive pushing, it had a rough angle to it that I didn't like) and she kept saying "go! you ate crap, you have to get that crap out!" Uh, when did I say I ate nothing but crap?? I said I had a rough time on Saturday and Sunday, but it wasn't even close to how bad my eating was in the past. I just kinda had bigger portions of some things like carbs and salt. That does not equate yelling at me during mountain climbers. And I stopped and told her that. Not cool.
It's like as soon as I started to struggle, she checked out. wtf? Isn't that when I need her the most?? And today when I told her that I was getting frickin tired of trying so hard, tired of being healthy (like I usually am at this point, like 3-4 months in), all she said was "gotta control the mind". Uh, ok...sure, I'll get right on that. Good advice. I know I need to control my mind! But perhaps I need external motivation and support to help me. That's what I was looking for.
See, this is my pattern...I am gung ho for about 3 months-ish...then I falter and I start to wear down and lose my motivation. That's why I got a personal trainer, to get me past that point. I'm just not sure it's working. It doesn't matter regardless. Even if I was 100% sure about everything, I can't afford to renew. So I will have to go back to doing it on my own. I have a lot of resources at my disposal, and maybe I need to work out my own demons by myself.
It's like as soon as I started to struggle, she checked out. wtf? Isn't that when I need her the most?? And today when I told her that I was getting frickin tired of trying so hard, tired of being healthy (like I usually am at this point, like 3-4 months in), all she said was "gotta control the mind". Uh, ok...sure, I'll get right on that. Good advice. I know I need to control my mind! But perhaps I need external motivation and support to help me. That's what I was looking for.
See, this is my pattern...I am gung ho for about 3 months-ish...then I falter and I start to wear down and lose my motivation. That's why I got a personal trainer, to get me past that point. I'm just not sure it's working. It doesn't matter regardless. Even if I was 100% sure about everything, I can't afford to renew. So I will have to go back to doing it on my own. I have a lot of resources at my disposal, and maybe I need to work out my own demons by myself.
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