WI

This is my second on program WI. Down 0.6. So more than half a pound. Yes, a let down from last week, but I've been in this game long enough to know that big losses are not usually followed by big losses. So right now I am fighting disappointment because down is down right? I don't want to get into the habit of justifying what happens on the scale. What I mean is that if a loss is smaller than I was expecting and I justify it away then it makes it way too easy to justify gains. Is that just my own twisted logic?

So last night I had dinner out with my good friend from university. We went to undergrad and grad school together. We went to Spring Rolls...probably not the best place to go when watching one's sodium intake but I planned out a strategy in advance. A take out box from the beginning, only eat half, eat more of the veggies than the noodles. I also paid attention to my hunger signals. I probably still ate past my satisfaction level, but I wasn't stuffed either...not really close to the stuffed feeling actually, and I left a good amount of noodles and other good stuff on my plate. I also guzzled water the entire time, lol. Boy did I have to pee when I left (very stupidly didn't go at the restaurant...that's dicey when you're dealing with the TTC...you never know when you're going to get home).

So let's look at this...0.6 is not what I was hoping for...however, could it have been a smaller loss, or even a STS or a gain? Hell yes it could have. I could have said to hell with it, let's finish that plate, get dessert and coffee and just throw in the towel. Did I do that? No. Kudos to me. What about earlier in the day? Did I say to myself, well, my dinner is gonna blow my dailies, might as well give in? No I did not. I pointed out my dinner in the morning, and then allocated the rest of my points accordingly. I was 2 PP over my dailies because I had a non fat latte in the morning cause I had to teach a grammar seminar at 9 am and you just can't do that without caffeine. So double kudos to me. After work and before dinner when I was really starting to get hungry, did I binge on crackers or anything else I could find to satiate myself before dinner? No I did not. Triple kudos. I didn't get in the activity I wanted after dinner because I had to prep for my class on Saturday, but there were so many good choices in my day that I can let that slide. I am proud of each and every one of the good choices I made. I powered through and that's amazing.

My feelings of euphoria that I was feeling last week may have passed because I am dealing with other emotions right now, but I am still extremely happy about how I handled yesterday and those are feelings that stick around (versus the honeymoon period). As of tomorrow my bf will have been gone a whole week, with two WHOLE weeks to go before he returns. It's really amazing how attached you become to the man-boys one chooses to live with (or whomever you choose to live with). I have good friends, and I am definitely not one of those girls who has no life outside her bf...but I really really miss my Moroccan, and it is my personal challenge to get through the next two weeks (seriously, 14 days has never seemed this long) without letting my sad and lonely emotions get the best of my weight loss. I think it's really important to get through this without eating my feelings.

So in light of everything, my 0.6 loss is a trophy for me. A nice shiny one that shows that I can make it through despite everything else that is going on in my life. Can't ask for more than that :)

Not so scary

Yesterday I made the plan to go to spin class...and guess what? I actually went to spin class. It was hard. So hard. My legs were killing me. My breath was short. I felt like I weighed a tonne sitting on that bike. Really, mirrors in spin class are just mean. Anyway...I was also the biggest person in that room. That galled a bit. But as the demonic instructor was yelling at us I just focused on what I saw in the mirror. I focused on the bulge of my butt, the extra wide hips and I stared them down. I focused on them and just imagined that they were shrinking. That the pain and breathlessness were those heinous parts of me melting away. Gave me strength when I wanted to stop pedalling.

That was the hardest part. Getting in the door. Actually sucking it up and getting to the gym. I was scared. I admit that. There was total fear involved. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel like I totally conquered that fear. I feel better going to spin class. I'll go again next week, and I really want to go to the one the week after that since Goodlife is opening a brand new gym for that gym and the cycling room looks amazing. But I'm still scared of my resistance workouts. Scared to get into the gym and do what I did before. Scared for my back. Scared of how I look in the mirrors and what others may be thinking (though I realise this is in my head, but still...) Seeing how squishy I've gotten in the past 2 months. Not being able to use the amount of weight I did before. So many fears and self-doubts running around in my head.

I have tomorrow planned as my resistance day. Either at the gym in my condo, or at a Goodlife on the way home. It's a lower body workout. Lot of body weight exercises with speed burst cardio built in. I don't want to build up this huge program in my head and intimidate myself. I've done that before.

I can't psych myself out. I am my own worst enemy, and getting back into fitness is scary and hard for me. I'll update tomorrow on how it went.

In other news....I'm going to a WW meeting on Friday. I'm not even telling my bf. I don't need any negative reactions right now. I'm just pretending that I have to go early to work. I haven't been the biggest WW supporter in the last 2 years or so. But one of the main reasons I stopped going to meetings is because I didn't have one that I liked, and I can't do online...if you're capable of doing online, just use MFP...way better tracking system, and it's free. I was the most successful doing meetings. I've never replicated that on my own. Huh, guess all the research behind their product makes sense ;)

I am going to try. I was cleaning out my closet this past weekend and found my weight tracker from 2009. I was down to 139. Holy sh*t was all I could think. It was a real kick in the pants, eye opener, whatever cliched phrase you want to use. And I consistently went down each week. I went from 152 to 139 in about 7-8 weeks or so. Not too shabby.

Time to mark some papers and prepare for my weekend teaching gig...the fun never ends :)

Fitness challenges

I am feeling down right now. I got up this morning and put on my workout gear (lil bit tighter btw), and set up to do the 30DS. 30 seconds into it (literally like 30 seconds), my bf is like, I can't work like this (he's does freelance and has a few big projects in the works). It wasn't even up high. He's like, can't you use a headset or something? Uh, no...how does one work out tethered to the bloody tv? So I said, can't you use your headset? He has a wireless headset so he can listen to his music and not annoy me. I'm like, it's 30 minutes, you can't handle it for 30 minutes? Stony silence is all I got. I asked him about his headset, nothing. Then he's like, whatever, fine, just work. Which is code for, do it but I'm not going to be happy about it and I'll freeze you out for the next few hours.

So I turned it off. And he's like, I said do it! Just work! I'm like, no, you obviously can't handle 30 minutes of inconvenience so it's obvious you don't want me to do this. And he was like "ya right". I can't mimic the sound he made, but it was the incredulous sound...like, sure, blame me for not working out, cause you always find an excuse. It's so unfair. Getting back into fitness is hard! And he throws up an obstacle in my way, and then acts as if I am the one getting in the way of me working out? He can't handle 30 effing minutes of a workout DVD? When I handled 3 months of his family yelling (their form of talking) when I was trying to sleep?

So I'm disheartened. It was just such a selfish move. One of those moves that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. One of those moves that shatters my confidence and makes me not want to do anything. I was already self-conscious about working out in front of him anyway.

I have another workout that doesn't require a DVD. But I'm feeling so self-conscious now that I don't even want to do that. 

Why today when I was just getting back into it? Why on this lovely holiday long weekend? Ugh there are a lot of whys and a lot of pity parties I could be holding for myself right now. I just need to buck up and do my other workout. If I don't, then he wins and I lose, because I'm the only one who suffers when I don't do the things I said I would.

Just wanted to get it out there.

Fitness Challenge...

I did fairly well on my goals this past week in terms of bringing my lunches to work. I did have take out chinese and thai food as well, but one or two meals are ok.

I didn't do well on my fitness goals. It's so hard to start things back up again. I was trying to analyse what I felt about that. And I think what I felt was fear. Fear of going back to spin class because holy hell is it hard (almost that same fear of doing it the first time). Fear of the pain that is sure to follow because I haven't done my workouts in about 2 months. Fear of once again getting to a good place and then letting it go again.

I have also thought a bit about my goals. I tend to make big goals. Maybe I am a baby goal person? I can't make monthly goals it appears, because I can't sustain it.

So part of my fitness fear is because prior to August I did hard core workouts. Big weights, whole lotta butt and leg stuff. I stopped that because I once again threw out my back and I just couldn't continue. Now that I am better I need to get back into the gym, or back into fitness (cause it doesn't have to be the gym). But I'm scared a little bit. Of the workouts I used to do. So I decided to make a smaller fitness goal for myself. I actually want to make it through the 30 Day Shred. I need to ease back into fitness, and 30 minutes a day seems an ok way to do that.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it 30 days straight, that's not feasible for me, so I am going to try for 5 days out of the week. I tend to get bored with the 30 DS, so that's why I want to try to get through each level in 10 days or so. What happens on the 30 DS is pretty easy (in terms of the moves), compared to what I had been doing, so something familiar and non-threatening. 

I am going to start tomorrow. My bf and I have a Thanksgiving day brunch cruise around the Toronto harbour tomorrow...so what better day to start than on a day of a buffet and the day before turkey dinner?

I don't want a repeat of what happened in the Gap dressing room yesterday...disgust...anger...shame..sadness. I can't keep doing that. And I'm so sick of constantly making promises and goals and then having to renege or just fail. Kinda hurts the self esteem ;) I'm also thinking of going back to WW...meetings, not online. There's a meeting on Friday mornings that I could do before I go to work. I don't know how I feel about points plus...but it is quite apparent that I can't continue on my own.