I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?
I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.
I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.
I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.
I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.
Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.
I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.
I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.
So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.
This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.
Showing posts with label mental issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental issues. Show all posts
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Not so scary
Yesterday I made the plan to go to spin class...and guess what? I actually went to spin class. It was hard. So hard. My legs were killing me. My breath was short. I felt like I weighed a tonne sitting on that bike. Really, mirrors in spin class are just mean. Anyway...I was also the biggest person in that room. That galled a bit. But as the demonic instructor was yelling at us I just focused on what I saw in the mirror. I focused on the bulge of my butt, the extra wide hips and I stared them down. I focused on them and just imagined that they were shrinking. That the pain and breathlessness were those heinous parts of me melting away. Gave me strength when I wanted to stop pedalling.
That was the hardest part. Getting in the door. Actually sucking it up and getting to the gym. I was scared. I admit that. There was total fear involved. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel like I totally conquered that fear. I feel better going to spin class. I'll go again next week, and I really want to go to the one the week after that since Goodlife is opening a brand new gym for that gym and the cycling room looks amazing. But I'm still scared of my resistance workouts. Scared to get into the gym and do what I did before. Scared for my back. Scared of how I look in the mirrors and what others may be thinking (though I realise this is in my head, but still...) Seeing how squishy I've gotten in the past 2 months. Not being able to use the amount of weight I did before. So many fears and self-doubts running around in my head.
I have tomorrow planned as my resistance day. Either at the gym in my condo, or at a Goodlife on the way home. It's a lower body workout. Lot of body weight exercises with speed burst cardio built in. I don't want to build up this huge program in my head and intimidate myself. I've done that before.
I can't psych myself out. I am my own worst enemy, and getting back into fitness is scary and hard for me. I'll update tomorrow on how it went.
In other news....I'm going to a WW meeting on Friday. I'm not even telling my bf. I don't need any negative reactions right now. I'm just pretending that I have to go early to work. I haven't been the biggest WW supporter in the last 2 years or so. But one of the main reasons I stopped going to meetings is because I didn't have one that I liked, and I can't do online...if you're capable of doing online, just use MFP...way better tracking system, and it's free. I was the most successful doing meetings. I've never replicated that on my own. Huh, guess all the research behind their product makes sense ;)
I am going to try. I was cleaning out my closet this past weekend and found my weight tracker from 2009. I was down to 139. Holy sh*t was all I could think. It was a real kick in the pants, eye opener, whatever cliched phrase you want to use. And I consistently went down each week. I went from 152 to 139 in about 7-8 weeks or so. Not too shabby.
Time to mark some papers and prepare for my weekend teaching gig...the fun never ends :)
That was the hardest part. Getting in the door. Actually sucking it up and getting to the gym. I was scared. I admit that. There was total fear involved. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel like I totally conquered that fear. I feel better going to spin class. I'll go again next week, and I really want to go to the one the week after that since Goodlife is opening a brand new gym for that gym and the cycling room looks amazing. But I'm still scared of my resistance workouts. Scared to get into the gym and do what I did before. Scared for my back. Scared of how I look in the mirrors and what others may be thinking (though I realise this is in my head, but still...) Seeing how squishy I've gotten in the past 2 months. Not being able to use the amount of weight I did before. So many fears and self-doubts running around in my head.
I have tomorrow planned as my resistance day. Either at the gym in my condo, or at a Goodlife on the way home. It's a lower body workout. Lot of body weight exercises with speed burst cardio built in. I don't want to build up this huge program in my head and intimidate myself. I've done that before.
I can't psych myself out. I am my own worst enemy, and getting back into fitness is scary and hard for me. I'll update tomorrow on how it went.
In other news....I'm going to a WW meeting on Friday. I'm not even telling my bf. I don't need any negative reactions right now. I'm just pretending that I have to go early to work. I haven't been the biggest WW supporter in the last 2 years or so. But one of the main reasons I stopped going to meetings is because I didn't have one that I liked, and I can't do online...if you're capable of doing online, just use MFP...way better tracking system, and it's free. I was the most successful doing meetings. I've never replicated that on my own. Huh, guess all the research behind their product makes sense ;)
I am going to try. I was cleaning out my closet this past weekend and found my weight tracker from 2009. I was down to 139. Holy sh*t was all I could think. It was a real kick in the pants, eye opener, whatever cliched phrase you want to use. And I consistently went down each week. I went from 152 to 139 in about 7-8 weeks or so. Not too shabby.
Time to mark some papers and prepare for my weekend teaching gig...the fun never ends :)
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
My one true foe...
Weekends. *sigh* I hate weekends. Minus the sleeping in and not going to work thing I really don't like them. I hate the break in routine. I hate the festival/special occasion feel of them. I hate the uncontrolled eating that derails my entire effing week. Not a fan. Now, this is not new. A lot of "lifestyle change" people dislike weekends for the very same reasons I do. Even my mom doesn't like weekends and she doesn't work, so there's not too much routine to break there. Every day's a weekend for her, lol.
I really don't know how to handle weekends. I'm starting to think I should move my WI to mid-week (it's currently Friday). Because after weighing in I do have a sort of "holiday" feeling where I think, oh I can have that cheat meal now, and that cheat meal turns into 3 days. I plan any outings with friends on Fridays, which only perpetuates the problem. I am a believer in having a splurge meal once a week. Otherwise I think you'll go crazy. And that's kinda how I start to feel by Friday...kinda tired of the grind of watching everything that goes into my mouth and wanting that "treat". But, and here's the kicker here, I can't stop it at that one meal. One meal a week is fine. But I can't stop after that one meal. It starts an avalanche that lasts all bloody weekend, and then on Monday (or Tuesday with the whole long weekend thing this past weekend), I'm back to playing catch up. My weight loss is slower as a result. I eat really well during the week. Exactly what I plan. Occasionally having to be very insistant with my in-laws who insist I eat with them during their late Ramadan meals (they use bread as a fork...no joke...fine for fasting people, but not so good for a bottom heavy carb lover at 1:00 am!) But otherwise I'm pretty good Monday-mid Friday. Then I go AWOL. I know that I'd go down faster if I could conquer this.
I really like where I'm at fitness wise. I'm making a huge concerted effort to work out and to work out hard. Spin 1-2x/week, bootcamp 2x/week, resistance/cardio 1-2x per week. That's amazing for me and I look forward to it. But all of that is moot if I don't keep my eating under control from Friday night to Sunday night. It gets all undone and it's so frustrating.
How does one create a routine on the weekend? Because if you can manage a semblance of a routine I think it would break the "holiday" feeling. Nothing kills the mood like routine, lol. With Ramadan it's been hard, cause I try to be out of the house a lot and sometimes it's hard to pack things with me. I don't know if I'd be disrespectful by openly preparing my food in the morning. I usually go to the gym for a couple hours on Saturday to get out of my house. But again, if I hit up the food court and get a poutine afterwards, what the heck's the point?? My next step is to prepare things like my protein shakes and stuff at night when it's less noticeable and freeze them for the next day. Sheesh, by the time I get a routine Ramadan will be over and I'll be back at square one!
One thing I have been doing is in my snacks. I pack very protein fibre rich snacks so that I'm not tempted into diving into the bread once I get home. I also don't snack at work on bad things, which I am quite proud of. But again, that's during the week. During the weekends I have a lot more trouble because I'm surrounded by poor options. I know that I am the one that decides what goes into my body. I'm not blaming eating poutine on anybody but myself. But what I really want is a coping mechanism for the weekends.
I think I have to take away that element of "treating" myself. I normally plan a meal or something on Friday, and I think I need to remove that expectation. I'm not sure how to do this without feeling deprived. Unless I use a scale like what has been mentioned on the WW boards. It's got to be a 10/10 on the desire scale. If I could live without it, then meh, let it go. I need to stop planning these treats. I have a "go big or go home mentality", so when I plan a cheat meal, boy am I ever cheating! I think last week it was 4 cheese fettuccini alfredo (I made it myself, but still), with garlic bread and chocolate ice cream for dessert. Anything worth doing is worth doing well eh? Take away the plan and the expectation drops. This could be the one time where not planning could aid in weight loss. It so very often goes the other way, lol. This past week was Red Lobster. Le sigh. So I am taking that expectation away and I will plan instead to make a better choice with whatever I am up against. I will also prepare as much as my food ahead of time so I can stash it in my gym bag on Saturday and Sunday.
If I can make a routine, this will go a lot easier, on myself mentally as well as my waist line!
I really don't know how to handle weekends. I'm starting to think I should move my WI to mid-week (it's currently Friday). Because after weighing in I do have a sort of "holiday" feeling where I think, oh I can have that cheat meal now, and that cheat meal turns into 3 days. I plan any outings with friends on Fridays, which only perpetuates the problem. I am a believer in having a splurge meal once a week. Otherwise I think you'll go crazy. And that's kinda how I start to feel by Friday...kinda tired of the grind of watching everything that goes into my mouth and wanting that "treat". But, and here's the kicker here, I can't stop it at that one meal. One meal a week is fine. But I can't stop after that one meal. It starts an avalanche that lasts all bloody weekend, and then on Monday (or Tuesday with the whole long weekend thing this past weekend), I'm back to playing catch up. My weight loss is slower as a result. I eat really well during the week. Exactly what I plan. Occasionally having to be very insistant with my in-laws who insist I eat with them during their late Ramadan meals (they use bread as a fork...no joke...fine for fasting people, but not so good for a bottom heavy carb lover at 1:00 am!) But otherwise I'm pretty good Monday-mid Friday. Then I go AWOL. I know that I'd go down faster if I could conquer this.
I really like where I'm at fitness wise. I'm making a huge concerted effort to work out and to work out hard. Spin 1-2x/week, bootcamp 2x/week, resistance/cardio 1-2x per week. That's amazing for me and I look forward to it. But all of that is moot if I don't keep my eating under control from Friday night to Sunday night. It gets all undone and it's so frustrating.
How does one create a routine on the weekend? Because if you can manage a semblance of a routine I think it would break the "holiday" feeling. Nothing kills the mood like routine, lol. With Ramadan it's been hard, cause I try to be out of the house a lot and sometimes it's hard to pack things with me. I don't know if I'd be disrespectful by openly preparing my food in the morning. I usually go to the gym for a couple hours on Saturday to get out of my house. But again, if I hit up the food court and get a poutine afterwards, what the heck's the point?? My next step is to prepare things like my protein shakes and stuff at night when it's less noticeable and freeze them for the next day. Sheesh, by the time I get a routine Ramadan will be over and I'll be back at square one!
One thing I have been doing is in my snacks. I pack very protein fibre rich snacks so that I'm not tempted into diving into the bread once I get home. I also don't snack at work on bad things, which I am quite proud of. But again, that's during the week. During the weekends I have a lot more trouble because I'm surrounded by poor options. I know that I am the one that decides what goes into my body. I'm not blaming eating poutine on anybody but myself. But what I really want is a coping mechanism for the weekends.
I think I have to take away that element of "treating" myself. I normally plan a meal or something on Friday, and I think I need to remove that expectation. I'm not sure how to do this without feeling deprived. Unless I use a scale like what has been mentioned on the WW boards. It's got to be a 10/10 on the desire scale. If I could live without it, then meh, let it go. I need to stop planning these treats. I have a "go big or go home mentality", so when I plan a cheat meal, boy am I ever cheating! I think last week it was 4 cheese fettuccini alfredo (I made it myself, but still), with garlic bread and chocolate ice cream for dessert. Anything worth doing is worth doing well eh? Take away the plan and the expectation drops. This could be the one time where not planning could aid in weight loss. It so very often goes the other way, lol. This past week was Red Lobster. Le sigh. So I am taking that expectation away and I will plan instead to make a better choice with whatever I am up against. I will also prepare as much as my food ahead of time so I can stash it in my gym bag on Saturday and Sunday.
If I can make a routine, this will go a lot easier, on myself mentally as well as my waist line!
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Internal Motivation
What's yours? I'm on a mission to find mine. At least mine that lasts longer than 3 months. Have you ever watched the tv show X-Weighted? On it there is a weight loss goal as well as a fitness goal. I think the fitness goal is almost as important as the weight loss goal since we all know that focusing just on the numbers can get pretty damn frustrating. So I have chosen a fitness goal. My friend, who I usually run my races with (and by "usually" I mean the grand total of TWO that I have ever done (or will have done by tomorrow afternoon, lol) asked me if I wanted to do a 10K in August along the Grand River. Having barely done 5K before, I was skeptical. I "struggle" with 5K. And I put struggle in " " cause I think it's mainly mental. A big ol' game of "omg, I've never done this before so I can't consistently do it now" But why the hell can't I do 10K? I'm gonna make myself into a runner if it kills me. This is the one thing that I have never truly given up on. I always come back to it. Even when I am "off" so to speak, I always start again by coming back to running. Can't say that about other forms of cardio. I also love resistance training, but that's beside the point right now.
So I googled (love google) 10K training programs. Armed with an 8 week program and mapmyrun.com (cause I so can't afford a Garmin or similar right now) I am going to start training for 10K this week. This is my fitness goal. I haven't concretely found the website for the run, but I *think* it's this one: http://guelphvictors.ca/display.php?page=Fergus cause my friend mentioned lunch and swimming at her parents' house afterwards (I think she was trying to bribe me, lol), and I think they live in Cambridge. So Fergus would be close. On a bonus, if this is the one, I can go to the Scottish highland games! lol. (dad's side of the family came over from Scotland in the 1800s...it's in my blood).
The training program starts with 1.5 miles (2.4 ish km) which I can already do. I've been doing about 2ish miles already, steady state, so 1.5 shouldn't be a problem. The other big news? I'm gonna do it outside. I am going to do all of my training (minus the brutally hot days and potentially rainy days, ew) outside. I have a course all mapped out for Tuesday and I'm excited.
I want something tangible I can focus on. Not the fluctuation frustration of the scale. Maybe this can be the internal motivation that I need? I want to focus on my fitness. Building my muscle, increasing my cardio endurance. I'm not going to stop weighing in, but I will have more of a focus on the other things. I need to find what works for me otherwise I'm never going to make it.
So I googled (love google) 10K training programs. Armed with an 8 week program and mapmyrun.com (cause I so can't afford a Garmin or similar right now) I am going to start training for 10K this week. This is my fitness goal. I haven't concretely found the website for the run, but I *think* it's this one: http://guelphvictors.ca/display.php?page=Fergus cause my friend mentioned lunch and swimming at her parents' house afterwards (I think she was trying to bribe me, lol), and I think they live in Cambridge. So Fergus would be close. On a bonus, if this is the one, I can go to the Scottish highland games! lol. (dad's side of the family came over from Scotland in the 1800s...it's in my blood).
The training program starts with 1.5 miles (2.4 ish km) which I can already do. I've been doing about 2ish miles already, steady state, so 1.5 shouldn't be a problem. The other big news? I'm gonna do it outside. I am going to do all of my training (minus the brutally hot days and potentially rainy days, ew) outside. I have a course all mapped out for Tuesday and I'm excited.
I want something tangible I can focus on. Not the fluctuation frustration of the scale. Maybe this can be the internal motivation that I need? I want to focus on my fitness. Building my muscle, increasing my cardio endurance. I'm not going to stop weighing in, but I will have more of a focus on the other things. I need to find what works for me otherwise I'm never going to make it.
Monday, 9 April 2012
Am I Not Ready?
I saw my counselor today and we were running through some of the issues I have with my inability to leave food if I see it. She told me that I have this Depression-era thinking that food is not going to be around, so I get the most of it when I can. This can stem back to my childhood (don't get me wrong, we were NEVER without food), but we had to travel 45 mins into the next town to get it, and we went twice per month (pay day). Eating out was a novelty, a treat. So I have this thinking that I am never going to have this special food so I'd better get as much of it as I can when I do get it. Fine when I was in a situation where it wasn't readily available. Not so fine when you live in the biggest city in Canada and literally everything is at your doorstep.
Anyway, she told me that probably the best solution for me was prevention. Don't have that trigger food. Don't go to ethnic restaurants (I think I had an episode at the Indian place on the weekend that would make my bf jealous, lol)...don't put yourself in the situation where you're going to have to face these huge temptations.
Now, I have a problem with this. How is that living?? How is turning down social engagements, always vetoing restaurants, never eating things that are truly pleasurable, living life? Why can't I be taught strategies for getting through these things, not just avoidance. Because you know what happens when you avoid? When, eventually, you are put back into that situation, you go friggin ape shit..pardon my language. You go nuts. I want to be taught moderation. How to learn to say no to some things, but that it's ok to say yes to some things. She told me that I wasn't interested in compromise. I said, no, that's not true. I don't KNOW HOW to compromise in a way that still allows me to live how I want to live and reach my goal. I am not adverse to cheat nights. I can do the 80/20 split. That's not a problem. But what happens when you have things that go over your allotted cheat meals? If my plan is 1 night out a week, what happens if there is more than one engagement? Say no? That seems odd. That seems like letting your problem control you rather than learning how to face and get over the problem.
I don't want to learn how to AVOID things...I want to learn how to CONTROL things. Avoidance is not the control strategy I want to use.
I want to eat those good foods. And then she told me, well maybe you're not ready for this. Maybe you're on your way to being ready, but not completely. Maybe you have to own up to the decisions you make, saying yes, maybe I would be in better shape if I didn't hit Baskin Robbins twice last week (this is an example, I haven't eaten ice cream in forever, lol). See that pisses me off. How am I not ready? How is my trying to find a way to have my cake and eat it too (hehe) not being ready? I want strategies (real ones, not avoiding), to deal with this situations. I want to know why I think the way I do and how to cope with it. I don't want to avoid life to be thin.
If I wasn't ready I never would have employed the various tools that I have. I think it's easier to avoid things than to learn how to deal with them. I can't avoid everything. I want the mental strategies to know how to cope, not pretend food doesn't exist.
Anyway...next week is my last session (I only get so many from my benefits). It's helped me to talk some things through. But I don't think we ever got to the root of what it was. Or if we did, I don't think we were coming at it from the same angle. I think hitting on the Depression-era mentality was important. But I am still no closer to figuring out how to conquer that, or changing my mindset, than I was at the beginning. That's frustrating. That means that I'm really no closer to figuring out my mental issues than I was 6 weeks ago. Looks like I'm back to figuring it out on my own. But at least I have some things to go on.
Bed...trainer session tomorrow.
Anyway, she told me that probably the best solution for me was prevention. Don't have that trigger food. Don't go to ethnic restaurants (I think I had an episode at the Indian place on the weekend that would make my bf jealous, lol)...don't put yourself in the situation where you're going to have to face these huge temptations.
Now, I have a problem with this. How is that living?? How is turning down social engagements, always vetoing restaurants, never eating things that are truly pleasurable, living life? Why can't I be taught strategies for getting through these things, not just avoidance. Because you know what happens when you avoid? When, eventually, you are put back into that situation, you go friggin ape shit..pardon my language. You go nuts. I want to be taught moderation. How to learn to say no to some things, but that it's ok to say yes to some things. She told me that I wasn't interested in compromise. I said, no, that's not true. I don't KNOW HOW to compromise in a way that still allows me to live how I want to live and reach my goal. I am not adverse to cheat nights. I can do the 80/20 split. That's not a problem. But what happens when you have things that go over your allotted cheat meals? If my plan is 1 night out a week, what happens if there is more than one engagement? Say no? That seems odd. That seems like letting your problem control you rather than learning how to face and get over the problem.
I don't want to learn how to AVOID things...I want to learn how to CONTROL things. Avoidance is not the control strategy I want to use.
I want to eat those good foods. And then she told me, well maybe you're not ready for this. Maybe you're on your way to being ready, but not completely. Maybe you have to own up to the decisions you make, saying yes, maybe I would be in better shape if I didn't hit Baskin Robbins twice last week (this is an example, I haven't eaten ice cream in forever, lol). See that pisses me off. How am I not ready? How is my trying to find a way to have my cake and eat it too (hehe) not being ready? I want strategies (real ones, not avoiding), to deal with this situations. I want to know why I think the way I do and how to cope with it. I don't want to avoid life to be thin.
If I wasn't ready I never would have employed the various tools that I have. I think it's easier to avoid things than to learn how to deal with them. I can't avoid everything. I want the mental strategies to know how to cope, not pretend food doesn't exist.
Anyway...next week is my last session (I only get so many from my benefits). It's helped me to talk some things through. But I don't think we ever got to the root of what it was. Or if we did, I don't think we were coming at it from the same angle. I think hitting on the Depression-era mentality was important. But I am still no closer to figuring out how to conquer that, or changing my mindset, than I was at the beginning. That's frustrating. That means that I'm really no closer to figuring out my mental issues than I was 6 weeks ago. Looks like I'm back to figuring it out on my own. But at least I have some things to go on.
Bed...trainer session tomorrow.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
2nd WI tomorrow
I'm a little nervous. I did a peek on Saturday morning (baaaad Megs, I know), and I wasn't that impressed with the result. I was down 0.4, but I feel like it should be more. But then I wonder, should it really? I had Swiss Chalet on Tuesday. Pizza on Friday (but portioned and monitored). Even though it fit into my plan (ok, the Swiss Chalet didn't let's not sugar coat), that's not as healthy food as I could prepare myself. There is a lot of sodium in pizza, even though I tried to chug the water.
I think what's getting to me is how loooooong this takes. I forgot that part. And I am so PISSED, so absolutely pissed that I let myself get here. I was down to 140! I was 15lbs away from goal. As my bf asked the other day, how the hell did I get from 140 to 164??? How did I let myself get that high again? Pardon my language, but fuck is all I have to say! So angry. The only saving grace is that I feel a difference this time. My mental attitude is getting better. I'm actually addressing my mental issues with food. I may have been down to 140, but obviously there was something wrong that I couldn't maintain it. That I couldn't keep it going. Until I conquer my head, I'll never be able to get to goal and actually sustain it. But I'm still pissed.
I told my trainer that she's free to amp things up with me. We've been going pretty slow (IMO) as she kind of evaluates what I can do, and the best program for me. She keeps telling me that we have to walk before we can run, but I want to run! Running burns more calories! lol. I only have her for 3 months because personal training is so expensive. I really want to reach my goal in that time and with that sneak peek yesterday I lose my confidence that I can.
Sigh...the fact that in a week it's "that time", means this week it's PMS time! I don't get bitchy when this happens...I get sad and introspective. And sad and introspective leads to emotional eating. Blah. I could already feel it today. I went for a run, (20 mins non-stop!! wooo!) and it was hard! Harder than Friday. Not sure why. Maybe I'm tired? I've noticed this with running, the exact same thing can feel so different day to day. And afterwards I wasn't as euphoric as I normally am when I have a workout. So the sadness is creeping in and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't see my counselor till the 13th, so I think I have my work cut out for me this week.
Hopefully (as much as I hate relying on the scale to boost my mood), tomorrow will show good results and just show me that it's working and give me the strength to keep going (I will regardless, it'd just be easier).
I think what's getting to me is how loooooong this takes. I forgot that part. And I am so PISSED, so absolutely pissed that I let myself get here. I was down to 140! I was 15lbs away from goal. As my bf asked the other day, how the hell did I get from 140 to 164??? How did I let myself get that high again? Pardon my language, but fuck is all I have to say! So angry. The only saving grace is that I feel a difference this time. My mental attitude is getting better. I'm actually addressing my mental issues with food. I may have been down to 140, but obviously there was something wrong that I couldn't maintain it. That I couldn't keep it going. Until I conquer my head, I'll never be able to get to goal and actually sustain it. But I'm still pissed.
I told my trainer that she's free to amp things up with me. We've been going pretty slow (IMO) as she kind of evaluates what I can do, and the best program for me. She keeps telling me that we have to walk before we can run, but I want to run! Running burns more calories! lol. I only have her for 3 months because personal training is so expensive. I really want to reach my goal in that time and with that sneak peek yesterday I lose my confidence that I can.
Sigh...the fact that in a week it's "that time", means this week it's PMS time! I don't get bitchy when this happens...I get sad and introspective. And sad and introspective leads to emotional eating. Blah. I could already feel it today. I went for a run, (20 mins non-stop!! wooo!) and it was hard! Harder than Friday. Not sure why. Maybe I'm tired? I've noticed this with running, the exact same thing can feel so different day to day. And afterwards I wasn't as euphoric as I normally am when I have a workout. So the sadness is creeping in and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't see my counselor till the 13th, so I think I have my work cut out for me this week.
Hopefully (as much as I hate relying on the scale to boost my mood), tomorrow will show good results and just show me that it's working and give me the strength to keep going (I will regardless, it'd just be easier).
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