I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?

I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.

I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.

I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.

I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.

Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.

I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.

I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.

So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.

This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.

Little bit of that feeling coming back

Last week wasn't so great for me. Some emotional eating, a lot of sadness etc. This week I'm doing really well. Have some of that euphoria feeling from the first two weeks on program coming back. Well, right now I just feel really really tired. But before there was some euphoria :)

Yesterday I did resistance workout #1 from Tommy Europe's 10 lb Shred. I downloaded the Gymboss timer app for my iphone. I really wish that it was more editable. I tried to change the timer but then found out I couldn't just pick up where I left off, so I had to wait for ALL of my intervals to go through to catch up. That was annoying. But I finished. And it was better than nothing. Today my back and abs are feeling it a bit, so that's great. I'm thinking of waking up early tomorrow morning to get in resistance workout #2 because with a full day in Waterloo for work (hiring co-op students), the chances of me being able to work out plus prep for my class on Saturday is next to none. So if I work out tomorrow morning, that leaves tomorrow evening for marking and prep. Oh, the exciting life I lead!

So I am happy with the week and how it's going. I felt so much stronger in spin class today. The instructor like egged me on during one portion because I started to slow down. I'm glad to say that I pushed it out. She also said I was improving. AND...I swear my ass doesn't look as big on those tiny seats as it used to :) Still the biggest person in that room, but if I keep going, it won't always be that way.

I'm a little worried about Thursday because I have to get up super early, which usually means little to no breakfast. But I wonder if I can take my oatmeal in my thermos? Is that possible? Hmmm, something to think about. Then, lunch is something out. My manager already told me not to pack a lunch, because we're going to expense something. The good thing? She's a stick. She eats really well, so that's motivation. But more than that it's just going to be a very long day with potential unexpected food situations with WI on Friday.

Also, I am watching the US election. Holy crap. Come on Obama!!!! I'd be so scared to be a woman in the US if Romney won. Even with our Conservative government I don't have that fear because despite the length of time Harper's been in power, I think he's too afraid of our liberal leaning country to take away women's rights or open up the abortion debate again. I can't believe that the US is willing to take a step backward 50 years. Come on people...the country was in a mess...how can one person undo 8 years of destruction in only 4 years?? But I am not going to get into it, because I will admit that politics are not my forte, Canadian or American. Just hoping for a democratic win down south.

Lastly....my Moroccan comes home on Saturday! Presents and my Moroccan?? Awesome day :) That means I have some primping to do Friday/Saturday, which includes my very first brazilian! God I'm scared. It just sounds so painful! Ugh...the things we do ;)

WI back on track

Down 5.2 :D Did a big 'ol happy dance at that one. I couldn't stop smiling. Yes, it's the first week back, and I am not to expect losses like this to continue. But it was so nice to see that giant number and connect it to how well I was feeling and know that the feeling helped the loss. I want to keep that feeling.

I had a splurge meal tonight (Indian for my bf's last night in Canada till he leaves for Morocco for 3 weeks). Tomorrow will be my first real test...a weekend, and I'll be alone. That's two tests in one. I teach tomorrow, and normally I am STARVING when I finish. Most likely because I eat a hurried breakfast at like 8, then a small snack at 11 or so, so of course my tummy starts rebelling at 1:30 when I finish. I am very much a routine type of person when it comes to eating. Put that together with sadness and it's not a pretty picture.

But I am not going to let an empty house derail that feeling I had this week and that super charged feeling I had at WI today. What my bf's absence means is a true focus on myself. I can cook whatever I want (well, I do anyway, but even more so now), I can exercise and not have to worry about anyone else. I can basically just do my thing without having to think of anyone else for 3 weeks. That could be my silver lining to all of this. And yes, it will be a struggle because I know my triggers, but I have to learn to push that stuff aside and focus on what works. I'm going to say it again, it's all about that feeling I posted about yesterday. I can still feel it (slightly less now with a belly full of butter chicken and naan)...and it's a very powerful motivator.

So tomorrow I drop my bf at the airport at 5:00 pm. I'll probably be back home by 5:30 or so. My plan for tomorrow evening is to clean my house. Wooo, big Saturday night plans eh? But honestly, it's a disaster and I'll feel better about it if I just get it out of the way. I don't know if I'll exercise or not. I might do a JM dvd (which, btw, I just realised that I had posted about wanting to do the 30DS and finish it...totally forgot about it...doing other workouts now, so all is not lost :) )...no one will be home, so I don't have to be quiet.

Sunday the National Women's Show is in Toronto...thinking of maybe going to do that...but what I am also going to do is another version of my stair circuit workout. It's quick, it's killer, and I can change it up. This time I am going to do the booty workout from Tone It Up followed, or preceded by the stair circuit...just to beef up the stair workout a little bit, and because I want to do a butt workout at least 3x per week, because according to people in the know, do something like that 3x per week for at least a month and you start to see results...as I have never been consistent in my butt workouts, this has yet to be seen (by me anyway)....

That plus following my routine eating habits (no more splurges for me!) and I just might make it through the weekend unscathed!