I am not fearful. I am not afraid of December. That's a first. I was TERRIFIED last December. Mainly because the WW meeting I was attending was being cancelled like 2 weeks before Christmas and then I couldn't find another meeting/time that fit and then I just went all balls crazy on the food and gained like 10lbs.
I would like to say that November-December are incredibly hard on me. I'm sure it's hard on many many people, but this time of year I'm afraid I'm a bit selfish in terms of what I feel. My dad passed on Christmas day 5 years ago this year. I start blanking out and going through cycles of depression/sadness right around November. I have a counselling appt. booked tomorrow because last week I couldn't move. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was lethargic and feeling like I had a weight sitting on my chest, holding me down. My arms felt heavy and it was a huge challenge to go about my day and not just spend it crying curled up in my bed with my puppy. I will go through bouts of this until we move into January (and then periodically throughout the year, but not as bad). I have never seen anyone before for this, and I think I am beyond due for it.
Alas, not all is gloom and doom. I have three weeks until the Moroccan and I go on a cruise to the Bahamas!! 7 nights out of NYC. This will be my first year not being with my mom, so I needed a vacation to take my mind off of it. Until we get back and then he's jetting off to Dubai for a week, leaving me alone for New Years and my birthday. I'd better get something pretty out of it.
We got our Christmas tree yesterday so now my energy is spent trying to keep my dog from jumping up for all the ornaments. I tried to put a barricade around it this morning and we shall see if that works. So I am putting myself into the Christmas spirit and will start my baking soon.
My crossfit and food are going well. I'm so glad I found such a supportive crossfit gym. The people I normally train with are amazing. It's very rewarding to finally find something fitness related that I actually like.
So my plan for December is to be normal. To not have a plan really. I will workout, I will track and portion my food, and I will be conscious of what I'm doing. There is no reason to be afraid of this month.
:)
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Monday, 2 December 2013
Friday, 14 December 2012
Update!
Some good news and some bad news.
The good? Down 1.2....wooooo, strong pull in a very good direction.
The bad? They are closing my meeting location. It was perfect...on the way to work, at 9 am, able to stay for the whole meeting before I have to be at work, and able to weigh in on an empty stomach (which is my own personal ritual).
I found out last week, but kinda thought a Christmas miracle or something would happen and the closure wouldn't happen. No such luck. It really bummed me out. I don't understand their mentality for doing it right now. For a company that supposedly cares about the people, I find it really difficult to understand why they would take something away from people who need it so much right at the time of year when we're likely at our most vulnerable. Let's cause emotion for those who emotionally eat. Doesn't sit right with me. They could have waited until the holidays are over. It's really really bad timing.
This has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps the first real challenge of my current WW initiative. I am attached to that meeting. To the people and the leader. To lose that is extremely difficult. It will take everything I have to get through it.
Today after my meeting was a prime example of how this change could affect me if I let it. I had already decided to have pizza for lunch. But I was going to have a slice. 10 maybe 13 pp with a coke zero and I will have splurged but not gone overboard. Instead, after my meeting, the thought of having a small pizza versus a slice came into my head and never really left. So for lunch I had a small pizza with garlic dip and coke zero. And not just 2 or 3 slices of that pizza. The entire damn thing. Now, it was a small pizza...quite small actually (for the $10 I paid for it...but beside the point)...so umm, 6 small slices I think? Likely 4 slices of a regular medium pizza.
Then for dinner, I get Chinese food. Chicken fried rice and stir fried shrimp. Then Christmas cookies.
This was not my plan. I am having Jack Astors tomorrow night for a date with the bf. I had every intention of having my slice of pizza and then reasonable dinner because I knew I was having a huge dinner tomorrow.
But what's important is what I take away from this and how I handle it. Christmas is going to be insane. But for the first year I don't want to say "eff it, it's only once a year." I don't want to slip back. I am 2.6 away from getting my 10%. That's 16 lbs. That puts me over halfway to my goal. I am in the 140s now and it feels great. I don't want to lose that. But what I do from this point forward is going to dictate whether I lose that or not. I can say here that I don't want to lose that feeling or my progress, but actions speak louder than words. Without the action to back it up, the words mean nothing.
My plan for this week is:
1) Regular work out routine on Sunday
2) Work out on Monday...I get off work at 3:30. Why do I have so much difficulty working out on a day when I get off so early?? It's weird.
3) Tuesday is spin...always great
4) Wednesday - Jillian Michaels something or other
5) Thursday I pick my mom up from the airport, but I am also going to try and get to the 9:30 am meeting one subway stop from my school. I won't be able to stay for the meeting, but since weigh in happens 30 minutes before, I'll still get that. Then that evening I'll go to the same location to actually attend the meeting.
And through all of this I will keep up with my good eating habits that I've been developing (and doing pretty darn good at if I do say so myself).
Let's see if I can tackle this head on so it doesn't bury me.
Have a great weekend.
The good? Down 1.2....wooooo, strong pull in a very good direction.
The bad? They are closing my meeting location. It was perfect...on the way to work, at 9 am, able to stay for the whole meeting before I have to be at work, and able to weigh in on an empty stomach (which is my own personal ritual).
I found out last week, but kinda thought a Christmas miracle or something would happen and the closure wouldn't happen. No such luck. It really bummed me out. I don't understand their mentality for doing it right now. For a company that supposedly cares about the people, I find it really difficult to understand why they would take something away from people who need it so much right at the time of year when we're likely at our most vulnerable. Let's cause emotion for those who emotionally eat. Doesn't sit right with me. They could have waited until the holidays are over. It's really really bad timing.
This has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps the first real challenge of my current WW initiative. I am attached to that meeting. To the people and the leader. To lose that is extremely difficult. It will take everything I have to get through it.
Today after my meeting was a prime example of how this change could affect me if I let it. I had already decided to have pizza for lunch. But I was going to have a slice. 10 maybe 13 pp with a coke zero and I will have splurged but not gone overboard. Instead, after my meeting, the thought of having a small pizza versus a slice came into my head and never really left. So for lunch I had a small pizza with garlic dip and coke zero. And not just 2 or 3 slices of that pizza. The entire damn thing. Now, it was a small pizza...quite small actually (for the $10 I paid for it...but beside the point)...so umm, 6 small slices I think? Likely 4 slices of a regular medium pizza.
Then for dinner, I get Chinese food. Chicken fried rice and stir fried shrimp. Then Christmas cookies.
This was not my plan. I am having Jack Astors tomorrow night for a date with the bf. I had every intention of having my slice of pizza and then reasonable dinner because I knew I was having a huge dinner tomorrow.
But what's important is what I take away from this and how I handle it. Christmas is going to be insane. But for the first year I don't want to say "eff it, it's only once a year." I don't want to slip back. I am 2.6 away from getting my 10%. That's 16 lbs. That puts me over halfway to my goal. I am in the 140s now and it feels great. I don't want to lose that. But what I do from this point forward is going to dictate whether I lose that or not. I can say here that I don't want to lose that feeling or my progress, but actions speak louder than words. Without the action to back it up, the words mean nothing.
My plan for this week is:
1) Regular work out routine on Sunday
2) Work out on Monday...I get off work at 3:30. Why do I have so much difficulty working out on a day when I get off so early?? It's weird.
3) Tuesday is spin...always great
4) Wednesday - Jillian Michaels something or other
5) Thursday I pick my mom up from the airport, but I am also going to try and get to the 9:30 am meeting one subway stop from my school. I won't be able to stay for the meeting, but since weigh in happens 30 minutes before, I'll still get that. Then that evening I'll go to the same location to actually attend the meeting.
And through all of this I will keep up with my good eating habits that I've been developing (and doing pretty darn good at if I do say so myself).
Let's see if I can tackle this head on so it doesn't bury me.
Have a great weekend.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Updates 'R Us
This has been a rough rough week. In a follow up to my previous post, I lost again, this time at the tail end of my TOM. Down 4.4 through my TOM. Not too shabby. So down another 2lb this week. That officially put me back in the 140s! 149.8, but whatever :) That was my Christmas goal to myself. To lose basically 13lbs before Christmas. I have 0.8 to hit the actual 13, but I am stoked nonetheless.
So weight loss good. I didn't use any WPs over the week (considering I had used basically all of them at Red Lobster last weekend, this was a good thing). I only got about half of spin class....my regular instructor was away and there was a sub. Oh god was she awful. I was bored in spin class. That's not normal. The songs were slow and boring, and so was the instructor. I don't waste time doing things I don't enjoy, especially since I knew I had marking etc. to do, so I left. Then I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday.
Why may you ask? Well...it could have something to do with the fact that bf and I put an offer on a bigger condo in our same building. It was accepted and we entered into the hell of negotiations and getting financing.
Now here's the situation....we could have gotten it. Realistically, between what we both make in our salaries and contract/freelance work, we would have been approved to carry both the mortgage of our current place (we wanted to rent it out, not sell), and the mortgage of the new place. That's about 600K...but we would have been approved. However, and this is our mistake...I take full responsibility for what happened. After the offer was accepted, we had 24 hours to come up with the $18,000 down payment. This was not going to be a problem since my bf had about 25K in his bank account from freelance work. The plan was for him to pay for the deposit, closing fees etc., and I would pay him back monthly. However, when we started looking at it, a) his money is in USD because most of his clients are American, and therefore with the exchange rate right now he would lose a lot of $$ if he were to convert it right now, and b) when it came right down to it, I couldn't afford the increased mortgage on top of paying him a loan fee. It would put my personal debt ratio up crazy high.
So on Friday morning (after my WI, which I think was helped by the like 1/4 of my dinner I was able to stomach the night before), I called the realtor and told him that we couldn't put together the deposit. He started freaking out, and got me freaking out because when you accept an offer to purchase a property, that's a legally binding document. We were contractually obligated, at that point, to purchase the property. This went on for a couple hours (and being told that the sellers could take us to court if they wanted to)...finally, I called my mortgage broker and told him to strip our incomes...take out the contract/freelance work. Would we still qualify? No? Problem solved. Got him to talk to the realtor and this whole mess was over. Property purchases are usually conditional on financing...It was such a hellish day. I can only imagine what the sellers felt like. I never in a million years wanted to cause that hardship to them. We truly, 100% wanted that condo. It was wonderfully upgraded, 2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms, parking, locker, quiet etc., good price (which in downtown Toronto is saying something). I truly feel bad for accepting something and then going back on it less than 24 hours away. I know how stressful it must be to be selling in this market. But when we looked at the brass tacks of it all, it just isn't doable at this time. We were too hasty. We're outgrowing our current place, and that frustration has led us to jump ahead of ourselves.
I had a stress ear/headache all day yesterday and just felt sick to my stomach. Apparently the realtor also called bf and was almost threatening like...I kinda had to laugh at that...you try to take the hard line with the Moroccan and he'll go in the opposite direction just to spite you. He could 100% agree with you, but if you try to pressure him, he'll go the opposite way just cause.
So it's not been a good time lately. But did I go to food? Nope. I was tempted at Starbucks yesterday morning eyeing those chocolate caramel muffins they have. It was one of the few times I actually consciously said "no, this isn't going to solve your problems," and left with my 2 pp skinny peppermint mocha.
I did indulge in a grilled cheese and clam chowder for lunch today, but I'd been thinking about it for awhile, so I'm ok with it.
Now I'm Christmas baking (I give cookie packages to co-workers) and watching the BLTs!
Here's hoping next week is better!
So weight loss good. I didn't use any WPs over the week (considering I had used basically all of them at Red Lobster last weekend, this was a good thing). I only got about half of spin class....my regular instructor was away and there was a sub. Oh god was she awful. I was bored in spin class. That's not normal. The songs were slow and boring, and so was the instructor. I don't waste time doing things I don't enjoy, especially since I knew I had marking etc. to do, so I left. Then I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday.
Why may you ask? Well...it could have something to do with the fact that bf and I put an offer on a bigger condo in our same building. It was accepted and we entered into the hell of negotiations and getting financing.
Now here's the situation....we could have gotten it. Realistically, between what we both make in our salaries and contract/freelance work, we would have been approved to carry both the mortgage of our current place (we wanted to rent it out, not sell), and the mortgage of the new place. That's about 600K...but we would have been approved. However, and this is our mistake...I take full responsibility for what happened. After the offer was accepted, we had 24 hours to come up with the $18,000 down payment. This was not going to be a problem since my bf had about 25K in his bank account from freelance work. The plan was for him to pay for the deposit, closing fees etc., and I would pay him back monthly. However, when we started looking at it, a) his money is in USD because most of his clients are American, and therefore with the exchange rate right now he would lose a lot of $$ if he were to convert it right now, and b) when it came right down to it, I couldn't afford the increased mortgage on top of paying him a loan fee. It would put my personal debt ratio up crazy high.
So on Friday morning (after my WI, which I think was helped by the like 1/4 of my dinner I was able to stomach the night before), I called the realtor and told him that we couldn't put together the deposit. He started freaking out, and got me freaking out because when you accept an offer to purchase a property, that's a legally binding document. We were contractually obligated, at that point, to purchase the property. This went on for a couple hours (and being told that the sellers could take us to court if they wanted to)...finally, I called my mortgage broker and told him to strip our incomes...take out the contract/freelance work. Would we still qualify? No? Problem solved. Got him to talk to the realtor and this whole mess was over. Property purchases are usually conditional on financing...It was such a hellish day. I can only imagine what the sellers felt like. I never in a million years wanted to cause that hardship to them. We truly, 100% wanted that condo. It was wonderfully upgraded, 2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms, parking, locker, quiet etc., good price (which in downtown Toronto is saying something). I truly feel bad for accepting something and then going back on it less than 24 hours away. I know how stressful it must be to be selling in this market. But when we looked at the brass tacks of it all, it just isn't doable at this time. We were too hasty. We're outgrowing our current place, and that frustration has led us to jump ahead of ourselves.
I had a stress ear/headache all day yesterday and just felt sick to my stomach. Apparently the realtor also called bf and was almost threatening like...I kinda had to laugh at that...you try to take the hard line with the Moroccan and he'll go in the opposite direction just to spite you. He could 100% agree with you, but if you try to pressure him, he'll go the opposite way just cause.
So it's not been a good time lately. But did I go to food? Nope. I was tempted at Starbucks yesterday morning eyeing those chocolate caramel muffins they have. It was one of the few times I actually consciously said "no, this isn't going to solve your problems," and left with my 2 pp skinny peppermint mocha.
I did indulge in a grilled cheese and clam chowder for lunch today, but I'd been thinking about it for awhile, so I'm ok with it.
Now I'm Christmas baking (I give cookie packages to co-workers) and watching the BLTs!
Here's hoping next week is better!
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Saturday and Sunday
Here I am, all alone, my Moroccan safely in Morocco. I suck at being alone. I don't know where it stems from. I know when I was in high school I actually preferred to be alone...I skipped school to avoid my friend circle and their petty ass problems (I couldn't wait for university). That's not to say I was a loner, but I had "moods". I've always wondered if I had depression. Maybe something minor, not debilitating because I can swing pretty easily into sadness and melancholia for no particular reason.
Anyway, getting off track...once I hit probably middle to alte university being alone wasn't so good for me anymore. Once my dad passed, I couldn't handle it at all. I sometimes have nightmares when I have to sleep alone, and if I can't keep busy or hang out with my friends, I start thinking way too much and enter melancholia again. So I have my work cut out for me in the next three weeks.
I let myself wallow a bit yesterday. I had 4 slices of chicken bruschetta pizza from Pizza Pizza (tracked it all...21 points worth of pizza) and a cookie which I also tracked. I also had a hot chocolate that turned out to be 6 pp...SIX!! I only drank half. I cleaned my apt., and managed to watch a movie without snacking.
I also went to sleep with my 26 year old wrinkles dog stuffed animal (anyone remember those?? puppet/stuffed animal? got mine when I was 3 :) ), but at least I wasn't snacking, lol.
So that was my Saturday. It could have been a lot worse. On my drive back from the airport it took an hour and a half to get home...a trip that normally takes 30 mintes. Effing construction. So add extreme frustration and sadness together and my night could have been a lot worse. I really had to fight it though. I could feel it. I basically had to run past the Sobey's entrance when I was parking the car, inner monologue the whole way to keep me from buying junk food. All the old demons were there whispering in my ear..."it's just one night..." "you can get it all back tomorrow..." "you've been working hard..." And above all of that I just kept thinking of that feeling I had all last week and at my WI on Friday. That kept me walking past Sobeys. Because I had Indian food and pizza I knew that it would be a fight to show a loss this coming Friday. I don't have a lot to lose on my body frame, so splurges really show up if I'm not careful. Did I have extra stuff from what was already in my apt? Yes, but I didn't bring anything new in, and that's a major victory.
This morning I woke up, had my planned breakfast (2 eggs, piece of rye toast, coffee with 1 tbls creamer), continued to clean my apt (I hate laundry and floors and left them to today, lol), watched some tv, and then put this workout together:
Anyway, getting off track...once I hit probably middle to alte university being alone wasn't so good for me anymore. Once my dad passed, I couldn't handle it at all. I sometimes have nightmares when I have to sleep alone, and if I can't keep busy or hang out with my friends, I start thinking way too much and enter melancholia again. So I have my work cut out for me in the next three weeks.
I let myself wallow a bit yesterday. I had 4 slices of chicken bruschetta pizza from Pizza Pizza (tracked it all...21 points worth of pizza) and a cookie which I also tracked. I also had a hot chocolate that turned out to be 6 pp...SIX!! I only drank half. I cleaned my apt., and managed to watch a movie without snacking.
I also went to sleep with my 26 year old wrinkles dog stuffed animal (anyone remember those?? puppet/stuffed animal? got mine when I was 3 :) ), but at least I wasn't snacking, lol.
So that was my Saturday. It could have been a lot worse. On my drive back from the airport it took an hour and a half to get home...a trip that normally takes 30 mintes. Effing construction. So add extreme frustration and sadness together and my night could have been a lot worse. I really had to fight it though. I could feel it. I basically had to run past the Sobey's entrance when I was parking the car, inner monologue the whole way to keep me from buying junk food. All the old demons were there whispering in my ear..."it's just one night..." "you can get it all back tomorrow..." "you've been working hard..." And above all of that I just kept thinking of that feeling I had all last week and at my WI on Friday. That kept me walking past Sobeys. Because I had Indian food and pizza I knew that it would be a fight to show a loss this coming Friday. I don't have a lot to lose on my body frame, so splurges really show up if I'm not careful. Did I have extra stuff from what was already in my apt? Yes, but I didn't bring anything new in, and that's a major victory.
This morning I woke up, had my planned breakfast (2 eggs, piece of rye toast, coffee with 1 tbls creamer), continued to clean my apt (I hate laundry and floors and left them to today, lol), watched some tv, and then put this workout together:
This is a stair circuit I put together based on the original one I saw at Tone It Up. Since I live in a condo, I have a perfect space to do stairs, and they're amazing for the legs and butt (my problem areas!) I did 5 flights of two sets of stairs...I hope that makes sense. Math and anything related to math is not my strong suit. So 5 floors, and each floor has two sets of 6 stairs...anyway, it's tough. Then in between each stair interval I do a toning move. The last couple times I did this type of workout I did a mixture of upper and lower body, but today I did all booty. In total I think it took me 25 minutes and I was sweating and panting by the end of it. I am not a fan of steady state cardio, so this is a great way to get your heart rate up and get your toning in as well. Better fat burning capabilities.
So what's left for my day? Lunch, shower, grocery shopping, dinner, early to bed cause Monday's an early work day.
Tomorrow I'm going to a WW meeting...not my meeting, I'm not going to WI, but I don't have time to stay for my entire meeting on Fridays because I have to be at work at 10, and it seems to go past 9:30, so tomorrow evening I'll hit a meeting to get the full topic and stay for the powerstart session afterwards. Then I can be more relaxed on Friday.
Hopefully, if I can stay busy enough, I won't have time to be sad :)
Have a great Sunday!
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