I think I have finally come to the somewhat unfortunate (depends on one's perspective here) realisation that never mind sugar etc. is bad for me, but I cannot put it in my body anymore. My body is maxed out. Yesterday was a horrible day. I ate nothing but cookies, and then some leftover Chinese food later in the day. Seriously...nothing but cookies from 7:30 am until 6:00 pm. And while it actually wasn't a lot of cookies (about 6 or 7 I believe), but not eating anything in a day other than sugar and then topping that with greasy Chinese? Lord I was hurting. Truthfully, even by lunchtime yesterday I was feeling sick (this was about 3 cookies in btw), and I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat the nice healthy quiche I had brought (it had spinach AND kale in it! There were major brownie points in that quiche! Homemade too...so not even processed...sigh). My head was killing me and I could barely keep my eyes open they hurt so much. I was getting chills even though my office was perfectly warm. I felt no other symptoms, so I can't attribute it to the flu or anything, but boy did I not feel well. I even told my manager as a head's up, like hey, don't know what's going on, but I'm not feeling well and worst case scenario I won't be here tomorrow.
When I got home I had dinner and I thought I would feel better, but obviously it matters what you eat cause eating leftover Chinese didn't help matters.
I went to bed at 9:00 pm and I was sweating, even though with it being -20 outside right now, it's not like my home is super duper warm.
And today? Well I did call in sick because I just felt so run down and achy. And the cravings? Holy crap the cravings. I want sugar. I crave sugar. I cannot think about anything but sugar. I can't think about anything but food period. Never mind being annoying, it's frickin scary. I will not let this happen again. I will not go back to the 160s and feel tight and chubby and gross.
It's just an eye-opener to me just how bad that food made me feel. I haven't had that reaction before. Bad food is bad for you, yes I know...but I've never had that physical reaction to it before (well except the whole ear ache thing when I eat McDonalds).
My body is literally crying out for healthy non-processed food. I have to take this as a sign and move forward and leave the junk behind. I just can't do it anymore. I had made that choice relatively easily back in Sept-Dec. Time to do it again. I don't want this feeling to come back. I'd much rather have that feeling of satisfaction that I am doing well for myself and moving in the direction I want.
Rough lesson, but hopefully lesson learned.
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Friday, 25 January 2013
Friday, 14 December 2012
Update!
Some good news and some bad news.
The good? Down 1.2....wooooo, strong pull in a very good direction.
The bad? They are closing my meeting location. It was perfect...on the way to work, at 9 am, able to stay for the whole meeting before I have to be at work, and able to weigh in on an empty stomach (which is my own personal ritual).
I found out last week, but kinda thought a Christmas miracle or something would happen and the closure wouldn't happen. No such luck. It really bummed me out. I don't understand their mentality for doing it right now. For a company that supposedly cares about the people, I find it really difficult to understand why they would take something away from people who need it so much right at the time of year when we're likely at our most vulnerable. Let's cause emotion for those who emotionally eat. Doesn't sit right with me. They could have waited until the holidays are over. It's really really bad timing.
This has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps the first real challenge of my current WW initiative. I am attached to that meeting. To the people and the leader. To lose that is extremely difficult. It will take everything I have to get through it.
Today after my meeting was a prime example of how this change could affect me if I let it. I had already decided to have pizza for lunch. But I was going to have a slice. 10 maybe 13 pp with a coke zero and I will have splurged but not gone overboard. Instead, after my meeting, the thought of having a small pizza versus a slice came into my head and never really left. So for lunch I had a small pizza with garlic dip and coke zero. And not just 2 or 3 slices of that pizza. The entire damn thing. Now, it was a small pizza...quite small actually (for the $10 I paid for it...but beside the point)...so umm, 6 small slices I think? Likely 4 slices of a regular medium pizza.
Then for dinner, I get Chinese food. Chicken fried rice and stir fried shrimp. Then Christmas cookies.
This was not my plan. I am having Jack Astors tomorrow night for a date with the bf. I had every intention of having my slice of pizza and then reasonable dinner because I knew I was having a huge dinner tomorrow.
But what's important is what I take away from this and how I handle it. Christmas is going to be insane. But for the first year I don't want to say "eff it, it's only once a year." I don't want to slip back. I am 2.6 away from getting my 10%. That's 16 lbs. That puts me over halfway to my goal. I am in the 140s now and it feels great. I don't want to lose that. But what I do from this point forward is going to dictate whether I lose that or not. I can say here that I don't want to lose that feeling or my progress, but actions speak louder than words. Without the action to back it up, the words mean nothing.
My plan for this week is:
1) Regular work out routine on Sunday
2) Work out on Monday...I get off work at 3:30. Why do I have so much difficulty working out on a day when I get off so early?? It's weird.
3) Tuesday is spin...always great
4) Wednesday - Jillian Michaels something or other
5) Thursday I pick my mom up from the airport, but I am also going to try and get to the 9:30 am meeting one subway stop from my school. I won't be able to stay for the meeting, but since weigh in happens 30 minutes before, I'll still get that. Then that evening I'll go to the same location to actually attend the meeting.
And through all of this I will keep up with my good eating habits that I've been developing (and doing pretty darn good at if I do say so myself).
Let's see if I can tackle this head on so it doesn't bury me.
Have a great weekend.
The good? Down 1.2....wooooo, strong pull in a very good direction.
The bad? They are closing my meeting location. It was perfect...on the way to work, at 9 am, able to stay for the whole meeting before I have to be at work, and able to weigh in on an empty stomach (which is my own personal ritual).
I found out last week, but kinda thought a Christmas miracle or something would happen and the closure wouldn't happen. No such luck. It really bummed me out. I don't understand their mentality for doing it right now. For a company that supposedly cares about the people, I find it really difficult to understand why they would take something away from people who need it so much right at the time of year when we're likely at our most vulnerable. Let's cause emotion for those who emotionally eat. Doesn't sit right with me. They could have waited until the holidays are over. It's really really bad timing.
This has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps the first real challenge of my current WW initiative. I am attached to that meeting. To the people and the leader. To lose that is extremely difficult. It will take everything I have to get through it.
Today after my meeting was a prime example of how this change could affect me if I let it. I had already decided to have pizza for lunch. But I was going to have a slice. 10 maybe 13 pp with a coke zero and I will have splurged but not gone overboard. Instead, after my meeting, the thought of having a small pizza versus a slice came into my head and never really left. So for lunch I had a small pizza with garlic dip and coke zero. And not just 2 or 3 slices of that pizza. The entire damn thing. Now, it was a small pizza...quite small actually (for the $10 I paid for it...but beside the point)...so umm, 6 small slices I think? Likely 4 slices of a regular medium pizza.
Then for dinner, I get Chinese food. Chicken fried rice and stir fried shrimp. Then Christmas cookies.
This was not my plan. I am having Jack Astors tomorrow night for a date with the bf. I had every intention of having my slice of pizza and then reasonable dinner because I knew I was having a huge dinner tomorrow.
But what's important is what I take away from this and how I handle it. Christmas is going to be insane. But for the first year I don't want to say "eff it, it's only once a year." I don't want to slip back. I am 2.6 away from getting my 10%. That's 16 lbs. That puts me over halfway to my goal. I am in the 140s now and it feels great. I don't want to lose that. But what I do from this point forward is going to dictate whether I lose that or not. I can say here that I don't want to lose that feeling or my progress, but actions speak louder than words. Without the action to back it up, the words mean nothing.
My plan for this week is:
1) Regular work out routine on Sunday
2) Work out on Monday...I get off work at 3:30. Why do I have so much difficulty working out on a day when I get off so early?? It's weird.
3) Tuesday is spin...always great
4) Wednesday - Jillian Michaels something or other
5) Thursday I pick my mom up from the airport, but I am also going to try and get to the 9:30 am meeting one subway stop from my school. I won't be able to stay for the meeting, but since weigh in happens 30 minutes before, I'll still get that. Then that evening I'll go to the same location to actually attend the meeting.
And through all of this I will keep up with my good eating habits that I've been developing (and doing pretty darn good at if I do say so myself).
Let's see if I can tackle this head on so it doesn't bury me.
Have a great weekend.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Updates 'R Us
This has been a rough rough week. In a follow up to my previous post, I lost again, this time at the tail end of my TOM. Down 4.4 through my TOM. Not too shabby. So down another 2lb this week. That officially put me back in the 140s! 149.8, but whatever :) That was my Christmas goal to myself. To lose basically 13lbs before Christmas. I have 0.8 to hit the actual 13, but I am stoked nonetheless.
So weight loss good. I didn't use any WPs over the week (considering I had used basically all of them at Red Lobster last weekend, this was a good thing). I only got about half of spin class....my regular instructor was away and there was a sub. Oh god was she awful. I was bored in spin class. That's not normal. The songs were slow and boring, and so was the instructor. I don't waste time doing things I don't enjoy, especially since I knew I had marking etc. to do, so I left. Then I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday.
Why may you ask? Well...it could have something to do with the fact that bf and I put an offer on a bigger condo in our same building. It was accepted and we entered into the hell of negotiations and getting financing.
Now here's the situation....we could have gotten it. Realistically, between what we both make in our salaries and contract/freelance work, we would have been approved to carry both the mortgage of our current place (we wanted to rent it out, not sell), and the mortgage of the new place. That's about 600K...but we would have been approved. However, and this is our mistake...I take full responsibility for what happened. After the offer was accepted, we had 24 hours to come up with the $18,000 down payment. This was not going to be a problem since my bf had about 25K in his bank account from freelance work. The plan was for him to pay for the deposit, closing fees etc., and I would pay him back monthly. However, when we started looking at it, a) his money is in USD because most of his clients are American, and therefore with the exchange rate right now he would lose a lot of $$ if he were to convert it right now, and b) when it came right down to it, I couldn't afford the increased mortgage on top of paying him a loan fee. It would put my personal debt ratio up crazy high.
So on Friday morning (after my WI, which I think was helped by the like 1/4 of my dinner I was able to stomach the night before), I called the realtor and told him that we couldn't put together the deposit. He started freaking out, and got me freaking out because when you accept an offer to purchase a property, that's a legally binding document. We were contractually obligated, at that point, to purchase the property. This went on for a couple hours (and being told that the sellers could take us to court if they wanted to)...finally, I called my mortgage broker and told him to strip our incomes...take out the contract/freelance work. Would we still qualify? No? Problem solved. Got him to talk to the realtor and this whole mess was over. Property purchases are usually conditional on financing...It was such a hellish day. I can only imagine what the sellers felt like. I never in a million years wanted to cause that hardship to them. We truly, 100% wanted that condo. It was wonderfully upgraded, 2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms, parking, locker, quiet etc., good price (which in downtown Toronto is saying something). I truly feel bad for accepting something and then going back on it less than 24 hours away. I know how stressful it must be to be selling in this market. But when we looked at the brass tacks of it all, it just isn't doable at this time. We were too hasty. We're outgrowing our current place, and that frustration has led us to jump ahead of ourselves.
I had a stress ear/headache all day yesterday and just felt sick to my stomach. Apparently the realtor also called bf and was almost threatening like...I kinda had to laugh at that...you try to take the hard line with the Moroccan and he'll go in the opposite direction just to spite you. He could 100% agree with you, but if you try to pressure him, he'll go the opposite way just cause.
So it's not been a good time lately. But did I go to food? Nope. I was tempted at Starbucks yesterday morning eyeing those chocolate caramel muffins they have. It was one of the few times I actually consciously said "no, this isn't going to solve your problems," and left with my 2 pp skinny peppermint mocha.
I did indulge in a grilled cheese and clam chowder for lunch today, but I'd been thinking about it for awhile, so I'm ok with it.
Now I'm Christmas baking (I give cookie packages to co-workers) and watching the BLTs!
Here's hoping next week is better!
So weight loss good. I didn't use any WPs over the week (considering I had used basically all of them at Red Lobster last weekend, this was a good thing). I only got about half of spin class....my regular instructor was away and there was a sub. Oh god was she awful. I was bored in spin class. That's not normal. The songs were slow and boring, and so was the instructor. I don't waste time doing things I don't enjoy, especially since I knew I had marking etc. to do, so I left. Then I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday.
Why may you ask? Well...it could have something to do with the fact that bf and I put an offer on a bigger condo in our same building. It was accepted and we entered into the hell of negotiations and getting financing.
Now here's the situation....we could have gotten it. Realistically, between what we both make in our salaries and contract/freelance work, we would have been approved to carry both the mortgage of our current place (we wanted to rent it out, not sell), and the mortgage of the new place. That's about 600K...but we would have been approved. However, and this is our mistake...I take full responsibility for what happened. After the offer was accepted, we had 24 hours to come up with the $18,000 down payment. This was not going to be a problem since my bf had about 25K in his bank account from freelance work. The plan was for him to pay for the deposit, closing fees etc., and I would pay him back monthly. However, when we started looking at it, a) his money is in USD because most of his clients are American, and therefore with the exchange rate right now he would lose a lot of $$ if he were to convert it right now, and b) when it came right down to it, I couldn't afford the increased mortgage on top of paying him a loan fee. It would put my personal debt ratio up crazy high.
So on Friday morning (after my WI, which I think was helped by the like 1/4 of my dinner I was able to stomach the night before), I called the realtor and told him that we couldn't put together the deposit. He started freaking out, and got me freaking out because when you accept an offer to purchase a property, that's a legally binding document. We were contractually obligated, at that point, to purchase the property. This went on for a couple hours (and being told that the sellers could take us to court if they wanted to)...finally, I called my mortgage broker and told him to strip our incomes...take out the contract/freelance work. Would we still qualify? No? Problem solved. Got him to talk to the realtor and this whole mess was over. Property purchases are usually conditional on financing...It was such a hellish day. I can only imagine what the sellers felt like. I never in a million years wanted to cause that hardship to them. We truly, 100% wanted that condo. It was wonderfully upgraded, 2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms, parking, locker, quiet etc., good price (which in downtown Toronto is saying something). I truly feel bad for accepting something and then going back on it less than 24 hours away. I know how stressful it must be to be selling in this market. But when we looked at the brass tacks of it all, it just isn't doable at this time. We were too hasty. We're outgrowing our current place, and that frustration has led us to jump ahead of ourselves.
I had a stress ear/headache all day yesterday and just felt sick to my stomach. Apparently the realtor also called bf and was almost threatening like...I kinda had to laugh at that...you try to take the hard line with the Moroccan and he'll go in the opposite direction just to spite you. He could 100% agree with you, but if you try to pressure him, he'll go the opposite way just cause.
So it's not been a good time lately. But did I go to food? Nope. I was tempted at Starbucks yesterday morning eyeing those chocolate caramel muffins they have. It was one of the few times I actually consciously said "no, this isn't going to solve your problems," and left with my 2 pp skinny peppermint mocha.
I did indulge in a grilled cheese and clam chowder for lunch today, but I'd been thinking about it for awhile, so I'm ok with it.
Now I'm Christmas baking (I give cookie packages to co-workers) and watching the BLTs!
Here's hoping next week is better!
Friday, 26 October 2012
WI
This is my second on program WI. Down 0.6. So more than half a pound. Yes, a let down from last week, but I've been in this game long enough to know that big losses are not usually followed by big losses. So right now I am fighting disappointment because down is down right? I don't want to get into the habit of justifying what happens on the scale. What I mean is that if a loss is smaller than I was expecting and I justify it away then it makes it way too easy to justify gains. Is that just my own twisted logic?
So last night I had dinner out with my good friend from university. We went to undergrad and grad school together. We went to Spring Rolls...probably not the best place to go when watching one's sodium intake but I planned out a strategy in advance. A take out box from the beginning, only eat half, eat more of the veggies than the noodles. I also paid attention to my hunger signals. I probably still ate past my satisfaction level, but I wasn't stuffed either...not really close to the stuffed feeling actually, and I left a good amount of noodles and other good stuff on my plate. I also guzzled water the entire time, lol. Boy did I have to pee when I left (very stupidly didn't go at the restaurant...that's dicey when you're dealing with the TTC...you never know when you're going to get home).
So let's look at this...0.6 is not what I was hoping for...however, could it have been a smaller loss, or even a STS or a gain? Hell yes it could have. I could have said to hell with it, let's finish that plate, get dessert and coffee and just throw in the towel. Did I do that? No. Kudos to me. What about earlier in the day? Did I say to myself, well, my dinner is gonna blow my dailies, might as well give in? No I did not. I pointed out my dinner in the morning, and then allocated the rest of my points accordingly. I was 2 PP over my dailies because I had a non fat latte in the morning cause I had to teach a grammar seminar at 9 am and you just can't do that without caffeine. So double kudos to me. After work and before dinner when I was really starting to get hungry, did I binge on crackers or anything else I could find to satiate myself before dinner? No I did not. Triple kudos. I didn't get in the activity I wanted after dinner because I had to prep for my class on Saturday, but there were so many good choices in my day that I can let that slide. I am proud of each and every one of the good choices I made. I powered through and that's amazing.
My feelings of euphoria that I was feeling last week may have passed because I am dealing with other emotions right now, but I am still extremely happy about how I handled yesterday and those are feelings that stick around (versus the honeymoon period). As of tomorrow my bf will have been gone a whole week, with two WHOLE weeks to go before he returns. It's really amazing how attached you become to the man-boys one chooses to live with (or whomever you choose to live with). I have good friends, and I am definitely not one of those girls who has no life outside her bf...but I really really miss my Moroccan, and it is my personal challenge to get through the next two weeks (seriously, 14 days has never seemed this long) without letting my sad and lonely emotions get the best of my weight loss. I think it's really important to get through this without eating my feelings.
So in light of everything, my 0.6 loss is a trophy for me. A nice shiny one that shows that I can make it through despite everything else that is going on in my life. Can't ask for more than that :)
So last night I had dinner out with my good friend from university. We went to undergrad and grad school together. We went to Spring Rolls...probably not the best place to go when watching one's sodium intake but I planned out a strategy in advance. A take out box from the beginning, only eat half, eat more of the veggies than the noodles. I also paid attention to my hunger signals. I probably still ate past my satisfaction level, but I wasn't stuffed either...not really close to the stuffed feeling actually, and I left a good amount of noodles and other good stuff on my plate. I also guzzled water the entire time, lol. Boy did I have to pee when I left (very stupidly didn't go at the restaurant...that's dicey when you're dealing with the TTC...you never know when you're going to get home).
So let's look at this...0.6 is not what I was hoping for...however, could it have been a smaller loss, or even a STS or a gain? Hell yes it could have. I could have said to hell with it, let's finish that plate, get dessert and coffee and just throw in the towel. Did I do that? No. Kudos to me. What about earlier in the day? Did I say to myself, well, my dinner is gonna blow my dailies, might as well give in? No I did not. I pointed out my dinner in the morning, and then allocated the rest of my points accordingly. I was 2 PP over my dailies because I had a non fat latte in the morning cause I had to teach a grammar seminar at 9 am and you just can't do that without caffeine. So double kudos to me. After work and before dinner when I was really starting to get hungry, did I binge on crackers or anything else I could find to satiate myself before dinner? No I did not. Triple kudos. I didn't get in the activity I wanted after dinner because I had to prep for my class on Saturday, but there were so many good choices in my day that I can let that slide. I am proud of each and every one of the good choices I made. I powered through and that's amazing.
My feelings of euphoria that I was feeling last week may have passed because I am dealing with other emotions right now, but I am still extremely happy about how I handled yesterday and those are feelings that stick around (versus the honeymoon period). As of tomorrow my bf will have been gone a whole week, with two WHOLE weeks to go before he returns. It's really amazing how attached you become to the man-boys one chooses to live with (or whomever you choose to live with). I have good friends, and I am definitely not one of those girls who has no life outside her bf...but I really really miss my Moroccan, and it is my personal challenge to get through the next two weeks (seriously, 14 days has never seemed this long) without letting my sad and lonely emotions get the best of my weight loss. I think it's really important to get through this without eating my feelings.
So in light of everything, my 0.6 loss is a trophy for me. A nice shiny one that shows that I can make it through despite everything else that is going on in my life. Can't ask for more than that :)
Monday, 8 October 2012
Fitness challenges
I am feeling down right now. I got up this morning and put on my workout gear (lil bit tighter btw), and set up to do the 30DS. 30 seconds into it (literally like 30 seconds), my bf is like, I can't work like this (he's does freelance and has a few big projects in the works). It wasn't even up high. He's like, can't you use a headset or something? Uh, no...how does one work out tethered to the bloody tv? So I said, can't you use your headset? He has a wireless headset so he can listen to his music and not annoy me. I'm like, it's 30 minutes, you can't handle it for 30 minutes? Stony silence is all I got. I asked him about his headset, nothing. Then he's like, whatever, fine, just work. Which is code for, do it but I'm not going to be happy about it and I'll freeze you out for the next few hours.
So I turned it off. And he's like, I said do it! Just work! I'm like, no, you obviously can't handle 30 minutes of inconvenience so it's obvious you don't want me to do this. And he was like "ya right". I can't mimic the sound he made, but it was the incredulous sound...like, sure, blame me for not working out, cause you always find an excuse. It's so unfair. Getting back into fitness is hard! And he throws up an obstacle in my way, and then acts as if I am the one getting in the way of me working out? He can't handle 30 effing minutes of a workout DVD? When I handled 3 months of his family yelling (their form of talking) when I was trying to sleep?
So I'm disheartened. It was just such a selfish move. One of those moves that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. One of those moves that shatters my confidence and makes me not want to do anything. I was already self-conscious about working out in front of him anyway.
I have another workout that doesn't require a DVD. But I'm feeling so self-conscious now that I don't even want to do that.
Why today when I was just getting back into it? Why on this lovely holiday long weekend? Ugh there are a lot of whys and a lot of pity parties I could be holding for myself right now. I just need to buck up and do my other workout. If I don't, then he wins and I lose, because I'm the only one who suffers when I don't do the things I said I would.
Just wanted to get it out there.
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Fitness Challenge...
I did fairly well on my goals this past week in terms of bringing my lunches to work. I did have take out chinese and thai food as well, but one or two meals are ok.
I didn't do well on my fitness goals. It's so hard to start things back up again. I was trying to analyse what I felt about that. And I think what I felt was fear. Fear of going back to spin class because holy hell is it hard (almost that same fear of doing it the first time). Fear of the pain that is sure to follow because I haven't done my workouts in about 2 months. Fear of once again getting to a good place and then letting it go again.
I have also thought a bit about my goals. I tend to make big goals. Maybe I am a baby goal person? I can't make monthly goals it appears, because I can't sustain it.
So part of my fitness fear is because prior to August I did hard core workouts. Big weights, whole lotta butt and leg stuff. I stopped that because I once again threw out my back and I just couldn't continue. Now that I am better I need to get back into the gym, or back into fitness (cause it doesn't have to be the gym). But I'm scared a little bit. Of the workouts I used to do. So I decided to make a smaller fitness goal for myself. I actually want to make it through the 30 Day Shred. I need to ease back into fitness, and 30 minutes a day seems an ok way to do that.
I'm not saying I'm going to do it 30 days straight, that's not feasible for me, so I am going to try for 5 days out of the week. I tend to get bored with the 30 DS, so that's why I want to try to get through each level in 10 days or so. What happens on the 30 DS is pretty easy (in terms of the moves), compared to what I had been doing, so something familiar and non-threatening.
I am going to start tomorrow. My bf and I have a Thanksgiving day brunch cruise around the Toronto harbour tomorrow...so what better day to start than on a day of a buffet and the day before turkey dinner?
I don't want a repeat of what happened in the Gap dressing room yesterday...disgust...anger...shame..sadness. I can't keep doing that. And I'm so sick of constantly making promises and goals and then having to renege or just fail. Kinda hurts the self esteem ;) I'm also thinking of going back to WW...meetings, not online. There's a meeting on Friday mornings that I could do before I go to work. I don't know how I feel about points plus...but it is quite apparent that I can't continue on my own.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
I lied...
I think my one true foe is emotional eating. Maybe weekends and emotional eating are tied? I had a really bad day. Or rather, a large portion of it was horrible, but I can compartmentalize pretty well, so I tucked it away till later.
So here it is. My bf has a brother. Brother and I don't get along. I really don't like him actually. I think he's lazy and a free loader and all around I have no time for him or his BS. He's married, and his wife is going to have a baby in January. Most men would step up and say, hey, I need a job, any job, cause my wife is going to go on mat leave and then we'll have to exist on mat leave income (her job does supplement up to 85% but still). But him? Nope. Baby coming in less than 6 months, with wifey likely going on mat leave, let's say a month before the due date, and no job. He's held ONE job in Canada. For a month. He quit cause his manager was "mean". Really. You didn't like your manager. Who does?? You don't quit your first Canadian job that you desperately need to gain experience and build on your contacts just because you don't like your manager. Suck it up!
Anyway...that's just some background on what type of person he is.
He's also a snooper. I have expressly forbidden my bf from allowing his brother to roam around our apartment. He goes into everything! Seriously, he's like a toddler. One time I was in NYC and on skype with my bf and saw the brother go into our bedroom just looking around.
So where is all this going? Today I get an email from my bf saying "read plz". So I read it, and it's an excerpt from an email I sent to my trainer a couple days ago. In it I said the "inlaws are at the idiot brother's house" and then I went on to say that I don't have any problems except my inlaws trying to feed me at like 1 am and me not knowing how to say no thank you, I can't eat couscous at 1 am, I'll get fat (language barrier). My bf wrote in the email "what is this supposed to mean?" At first I was like, crap, I called his brother an idiot, maybe he took offense (forgetting that he himself has said the exact same thing, but hey, we're weird with family). Then I started thinking...how the hell did he know?? Where did he get the excerpt. And why just an excerpt? If my bf had been the one to get it, he would have seen the whole email. So I email him back explaining what I meant...then I was like, ummm, why you reading my email???
He ignored my email and my resulting text messages. Then after work I called him and he picked up and he's all like, who did you send that to? What does it mean? I told him I sent it to my trainer, and he's still acting all pissy. So I asked, where did you get it...why were you in my email? He's like "brother (name omitted) sent it to me". HIS BROTHER WENT INTO MY PERSONAL COMPUTER AND INTO MY EMAIL AND SENT STUFF HE DIDN'T LIKE TO MY BF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently his dad had a dr's appt, and he needed a file in our apt. So my bf sent the brother with his parents to get it. During that time he went onto my computer and did such a gross violation of my privacy that I am still livid.
Anyway...my bf is still acting pissy and we hang up, and I'm texting him going, uh, excuse me??? I call your brother an idiot and THAT'S the big news here? Not the fact that he broke into my email?? My bf was like, you called me an idiot.
No. I. Didn't. All because of a misread apostrophe, my bf was all mad cause he thought I was calling him an idiot to my trainer. Seriously??? All of this because of a mis-read apostrophe?? So after that was cleared up, I'm like, what about what your brother did???? Oh we'll get it sorted out. No big deal. Really?? I have personal stuff on my computer. For one, I have quite revealing pics to mark my progress. Do you really want your brother to see those? Or my banking info? Or even just FB and email???
I am so mad at both of them. I was crying because I felt so violated. Oh...he also opened a word doc and put "You are the biggest idiot" in big gold letters so of course I'd see it when I opened my computer.
My bf's like, I'll get a formal apology. Eff that. I don't want a fake apology from that insincere ass. He won't mean it. He'll think it's a big joke. I told my bf to screw that, and that simply he is banned from my house. He is not welcome here. If he wants to see my bf, they can meet on the second floor where our amenities are. But in no uncertain terms is he welcome in my house. I also told my bf that he needs to do something. I am not going to let this go.
To some maybe I am overreacting. But with our history and how he has treated me (the brother, not my bf), I think I am well within my rights to take it as far as I can.
So after all of this...I sat down while my healthy dinner was cooking and ate tortilla chips and salsa and a handful of peanut M&Ms. So angry. So hurt. So violated. Not a great day.
Outside of this compartment, everything else was good. Had my first express bootcamp today. It was a fit test. Did well! But kinda wiped out by everything else. Let's see what happens when my bf gets home. Let's see how he handles this.
So here it is. My bf has a brother. Brother and I don't get along. I really don't like him actually. I think he's lazy and a free loader and all around I have no time for him or his BS. He's married, and his wife is going to have a baby in January. Most men would step up and say, hey, I need a job, any job, cause my wife is going to go on mat leave and then we'll have to exist on mat leave income (her job does supplement up to 85% but still). But him? Nope. Baby coming in less than 6 months, with wifey likely going on mat leave, let's say a month before the due date, and no job. He's held ONE job in Canada. For a month. He quit cause his manager was "mean". Really. You didn't like your manager. Who does?? You don't quit your first Canadian job that you desperately need to gain experience and build on your contacts just because you don't like your manager. Suck it up!
Anyway...that's just some background on what type of person he is.
He's also a snooper. I have expressly forbidden my bf from allowing his brother to roam around our apartment. He goes into everything! Seriously, he's like a toddler. One time I was in NYC and on skype with my bf and saw the brother go into our bedroom just looking around.
So where is all this going? Today I get an email from my bf saying "read plz". So I read it, and it's an excerpt from an email I sent to my trainer a couple days ago. In it I said the "inlaws are at the idiot brother's house" and then I went on to say that I don't have any problems except my inlaws trying to feed me at like 1 am and me not knowing how to say no thank you, I can't eat couscous at 1 am, I'll get fat (language barrier). My bf wrote in the email "what is this supposed to mean?" At first I was like, crap, I called his brother an idiot, maybe he took offense (forgetting that he himself has said the exact same thing, but hey, we're weird with family). Then I started thinking...how the hell did he know?? Where did he get the excerpt. And why just an excerpt? If my bf had been the one to get it, he would have seen the whole email. So I email him back explaining what I meant...then I was like, ummm, why you reading my email???
He ignored my email and my resulting text messages. Then after work I called him and he picked up and he's all like, who did you send that to? What does it mean? I told him I sent it to my trainer, and he's still acting all pissy. So I asked, where did you get it...why were you in my email? He's like "brother (name omitted) sent it to me". HIS BROTHER WENT INTO MY PERSONAL COMPUTER AND INTO MY EMAIL AND SENT STUFF HE DIDN'T LIKE TO MY BF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently his dad had a dr's appt, and he needed a file in our apt. So my bf sent the brother with his parents to get it. During that time he went onto my computer and did such a gross violation of my privacy that I am still livid.
Anyway...my bf is still acting pissy and we hang up, and I'm texting him going, uh, excuse me??? I call your brother an idiot and THAT'S the big news here? Not the fact that he broke into my email?? My bf was like, you called me an idiot.
No. I. Didn't. All because of a misread apostrophe, my bf was all mad cause he thought I was calling him an idiot to my trainer. Seriously??? All of this because of a mis-read apostrophe?? So after that was cleared up, I'm like, what about what your brother did???? Oh we'll get it sorted out. No big deal. Really?? I have personal stuff on my computer. For one, I have quite revealing pics to mark my progress. Do you really want your brother to see those? Or my banking info? Or even just FB and email???
I am so mad at both of them. I was crying because I felt so violated. Oh...he also opened a word doc and put "You are the biggest idiot" in big gold letters so of course I'd see it when I opened my computer.
My bf's like, I'll get a formal apology. Eff that. I don't want a fake apology from that insincere ass. He won't mean it. He'll think it's a big joke. I told my bf to screw that, and that simply he is banned from my house. He is not welcome here. If he wants to see my bf, they can meet on the second floor where our amenities are. But in no uncertain terms is he welcome in my house. I also told my bf that he needs to do something. I am not going to let this go.
To some maybe I am overreacting. But with our history and how he has treated me (the brother, not my bf), I think I am well within my rights to take it as far as I can.
So after all of this...I sat down while my healthy dinner was cooking and ate tortilla chips and salsa and a handful of peanut M&Ms. So angry. So hurt. So violated. Not a great day.
Outside of this compartment, everything else was good. Had my first express bootcamp today. It was a fit test. Did well! But kinda wiped out by everything else. Let's see what happens when my bf gets home. Let's see how he handles this.
Monday, 9 July 2012
Been awhile...
It's been awhile since I've posted. That normally means I've been off-track. And truthfully, I have. Feel kind of bad considering my last post. The one good thing that's come out of this is that my in-laws arrived and it's really not as bad as I was imagining. However, it's only been two weeks out of 3 months and there's still Ramadan to contend with.
In an update on my running...I think I'm not cut out for long distance running. I don't like it. Short distances are ok. Sprinting intervals are ok. But distances? Nope, don't like them. For a long time now I've wanted to do some sort of kickboxing/boxing thing. That and spinning. I'm still trying to adapt to my new schedule. I finish work at 5:30, with a 40 minute commute, and not one of my gym's locations is "on the way". I'd have to go slightly out of my way. That's dangerous for me. I'm still looking for a form of exercise that I truly truly enjoy. I thought that it would be running. Not so much. I don't actually mind running on the treadmill. When I am constant with it, I quite enjoy it. But running outside? I never really got the love of that. And I have a beautiful area to run in. Right on the lake. But I don't like it.
My next step is to find something I do enjoy. Next stop is spinning at my gym. Anyone try this? Like it? Wanna come and join me at the Goodlife at Yonge/Bloor?? lol.
Nutrition is the only thing I'm doing ok on. Quite sensible except for my snacks. I've been so busy dealing with marauding Moroccan inlaws that I haven't done my traditional weekly plan and shop and my snacks (and therefore me) are paying for it. I think they've been too small because by the time I get home I'm STARVING and therefore any plan to workout are thrown out the window as I try to eat as soon as humanly possible. NEED to go grocery shopping so I have some fibre rich, protein packed, healthy snacks so I don't come home and tear into a french baguette (on the elevator trip) I impulse bought from Sobeys. This is also necessary if I'm going to be going slightly out of my way to hit the gym before work. Seeing how Ramadan starts next week, I see no better time to avoid cranky fasters by hitting the gym.
Doing versus trying is back on track!
In an update on my running...I think I'm not cut out for long distance running. I don't like it. Short distances are ok. Sprinting intervals are ok. But distances? Nope, don't like them. For a long time now I've wanted to do some sort of kickboxing/boxing thing. That and spinning. I'm still trying to adapt to my new schedule. I finish work at 5:30, with a 40 minute commute, and not one of my gym's locations is "on the way". I'd have to go slightly out of my way. That's dangerous for me. I'm still looking for a form of exercise that I truly truly enjoy. I thought that it would be running. Not so much. I don't actually mind running on the treadmill. When I am constant with it, I quite enjoy it. But running outside? I never really got the love of that. And I have a beautiful area to run in. Right on the lake. But I don't like it.
My next step is to find something I do enjoy. Next stop is spinning at my gym. Anyone try this? Like it? Wanna come and join me at the Goodlife at Yonge/Bloor?? lol.
Nutrition is the only thing I'm doing ok on. Quite sensible except for my snacks. I've been so busy dealing with marauding Moroccan inlaws that I haven't done my traditional weekly plan and shop and my snacks (and therefore me) are paying for it. I think they've been too small because by the time I get home I'm STARVING and therefore any plan to workout are thrown out the window as I try to eat as soon as humanly possible. NEED to go grocery shopping so I have some fibre rich, protein packed, healthy snacks so I don't come home and tear into a french baguette (on the elevator trip) I impulse bought from Sobeys. This is also necessary if I'm going to be going slightly out of my way to hit the gym before work. Seeing how Ramadan starts next week, I see no better time to avoid cranky fasters by hitting the gym.
Doing versus trying is back on track!
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Nearing the end
Of my 3 month commitment with my personal trainer. I really couldn't afford her the first time, and I definitely can't afford a renewal. And I'm not even sure I would renew. In the beginning, let's say the first 6 weeks, it was great. But after I hurt my back and had some limitations I felt that she just kinda checked out. Stopped checking in with me on my off days, and I got 2 at home workouts in the entire 12 weeks. I personally would have thought that the amount of money paid for this I would have gotten more than 2 at home workouts. Then there's this attitude in the workouts. And honestly, I don't like it. Today I was going through mountain climbers (I hate mountain climbers) and she kept pushing (but let me make it clear that it wasn't positive pushing, it had a rough angle to it that I didn't like) and she kept saying "go! you ate crap, you have to get that crap out!" Uh, when did I say I ate nothing but crap?? I said I had a rough time on Saturday and Sunday, but it wasn't even close to how bad my eating was in the past. I just kinda had bigger portions of some things like carbs and salt. That does not equate yelling at me during mountain climbers. And I stopped and told her that. Not cool.
It's like as soon as I started to struggle, she checked out. wtf? Isn't that when I need her the most?? And today when I told her that I was getting frickin tired of trying so hard, tired of being healthy (like I usually am at this point, like 3-4 months in), all she said was "gotta control the mind". Uh, ok...sure, I'll get right on that. Good advice. I know I need to control my mind! But perhaps I need external motivation and support to help me. That's what I was looking for.
See, this is my pattern...I am gung ho for about 3 months-ish...then I falter and I start to wear down and lose my motivation. That's why I got a personal trainer, to get me past that point. I'm just not sure it's working. It doesn't matter regardless. Even if I was 100% sure about everything, I can't afford to renew. So I will have to go back to doing it on my own. I have a lot of resources at my disposal, and maybe I need to work out my own demons by myself.
It's like as soon as I started to struggle, she checked out. wtf? Isn't that when I need her the most?? And today when I told her that I was getting frickin tired of trying so hard, tired of being healthy (like I usually am at this point, like 3-4 months in), all she said was "gotta control the mind". Uh, ok...sure, I'll get right on that. Good advice. I know I need to control my mind! But perhaps I need external motivation and support to help me. That's what I was looking for.
See, this is my pattern...I am gung ho for about 3 months-ish...then I falter and I start to wear down and lose my motivation. That's why I got a personal trainer, to get me past that point. I'm just not sure it's working. It doesn't matter regardless. Even if I was 100% sure about everything, I can't afford to renew. So I will have to go back to doing it on my own. I have a lot of resources at my disposal, and maybe I need to work out my own demons by myself.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Anger Issues
This is likely not news to my close friends and family, lol. But I do. I have anger issues. Today was my last session with my counsellor and I mentioned that the bf and I have been fighting a lot lately. And that I've had a lot of anger in the last several weeks about my weight loss. I don't have an outlet for my anger. So when small things happen (aka, a stupid comment from the bf, or a bad experience at the running room), I explode. I actually, in a sick twisted way, look forward to fighting with my bf cause I can yell and swear and get everything out. But that's not healthy. So it was my last free session with my counsellor. I only got 6 sessions cause it's through Warren Shapell through my bf's benefit package. But I think I want to continue seeing her. So because I started with her for weight loss issues, I'm gonna call back and request her for my anger issues.
We had our differences, but today I went over that with her. How I was feeling so much pressure from all sides (trainer, nutritionist, and counsellor) that I felt like a puppy who was being hit on her nose with a newspaper but had no reason why. So I think since I aired my grievances that we should be able to move forward positively.
What I also want to do is take this girls only kickboxing, MMA boot camp. I think I need to hit something, lol. I need to get this anger out. Regular exercise doesn't do that. But whenever I've done boxing etc., it's gotten some of the frustration out.
In running news, I went to a different Running Room location since the one I went to downtown Toronto sucked. Horrible experience. This one tried out 3 different pairs of shoes and told me the ones I was forced into at the other location are really too extreme for me. I bought a pair of Saucony and I have 30 days to try them out indoors to see if I like them. Going to go for a run tomorrow. I'm not expecting my shin splints to go away over night, but hopefully with proper shoes it will eventually go away.
Gotta keep the positivity coming :)
We had our differences, but today I went over that with her. How I was feeling so much pressure from all sides (trainer, nutritionist, and counsellor) that I felt like a puppy who was being hit on her nose with a newspaper but had no reason why. So I think since I aired my grievances that we should be able to move forward positively.
What I also want to do is take this girls only kickboxing, MMA boot camp. I think I need to hit something, lol. I need to get this anger out. Regular exercise doesn't do that. But whenever I've done boxing etc., it's gotten some of the frustration out.
In running news, I went to a different Running Room location since the one I went to downtown Toronto sucked. Horrible experience. This one tried out 3 different pairs of shoes and told me the ones I was forced into at the other location are really too extreme for me. I bought a pair of Saucony and I have 30 days to try them out indoors to see if I like them. Going to go for a run tomorrow. I'm not expecting my shin splints to go away over night, but hopefully with proper shoes it will eventually go away.
Gotta keep the positivity coming :)
Saturday, 14 April 2012
Attitude Adjustment
I think it's time for an attitude adjustment. I've been in a funk for the past cpl weeks...just mad at the world (ok, and an out and out bitch at times). Well enough of the damn pity party. A positive attitude brings positive results. I did a run today that I didn't want to do...it would have been so easy to stay at home since I am preparing for my bf's citizenship party tomorrow (totally not OP but I've planned for it :) ), but I read an article about making time for exercise. If I can sit on the couch and read an article (lol), then I can hit the gym. So I laced up and headed downstairs. Then I decided to up my game and increase my speed and did 20 straight minutes at 5.5. I'm still being held at 30 minutes total cardio per time I do it, so I'm not too worried about distance right now.
I want to hit my goal of 5 workouts this week. Tonight's was number 4. Tomorrow before I prep for the party I have another at home workout from my trainer, that'll put me at 5 and back on track.
I want to be more positive. Therefore, I am going to be more positive :) I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, one meal at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time...(how many cliches can I think up here?? lol). I felt really good after my run. Then, when I was stretching, I was able to touch the floor behind my head with my feet! I'm weirdly flexible, like seriously. Splits, touch the floor, everything. So when I'm all limber I can usually get my feet back and touch the ground behind me :) Not like cirque du soleil flexible but more than the average person I think. This also means that I'm more prone to injury since I can over-extend really easily (hence my back very likely). But anyway, every time I stretch I try to go farther. This time it was quite easy to get my legs back there, lol.
Then I came home and instead of the grilled cheese sandwich I wanted, I had eggs and half a grapefruit. One thing I really struggle with is that a certain amount of sacrifice is needed in order to get to my goal. Even when I was following WW there was sacrifice involved (compared to how I usually ate). Yes, I will have to say no to things more than I say yes...but for now, that's ok. I can re-instate some things when I am maintaining (within moderation of course), but there are some things that I won't be able to have around me anymore (hello kettle chips, I'm talking to you!) I can't buy those things. But if I can finally nail this moderation thing, I feel a little more confident about keeping things going. Like right now I'm gonna have the other half of my grapefruit cause I'm still a little hungry rather than the ginger cookies hiding in my cupboard :)
Have a great weekend!
I want to hit my goal of 5 workouts this week. Tonight's was number 4. Tomorrow before I prep for the party I have another at home workout from my trainer, that'll put me at 5 and back on track.
I want to be more positive. Therefore, I am going to be more positive :) I'm going to put one foot in front of the other, one meal at a time, one workout at a time, one day at a time...(how many cliches can I think up here?? lol). I felt really good after my run. Then, when I was stretching, I was able to touch the floor behind my head with my feet! I'm weirdly flexible, like seriously. Splits, touch the floor, everything. So when I'm all limber I can usually get my feet back and touch the ground behind me :) Not like cirque du soleil flexible but more than the average person I think. This also means that I'm more prone to injury since I can over-extend really easily (hence my back very likely). But anyway, every time I stretch I try to go farther. This time it was quite easy to get my legs back there, lol.
Then I came home and instead of the grilled cheese sandwich I wanted, I had eggs and half a grapefruit. One thing I really struggle with is that a certain amount of sacrifice is needed in order to get to my goal. Even when I was following WW there was sacrifice involved (compared to how I usually ate). Yes, I will have to say no to things more than I say yes...but for now, that's ok. I can re-instate some things when I am maintaining (within moderation of course), but there are some things that I won't be able to have around me anymore (hello kettle chips, I'm talking to you!) I can't buy those things. But if I can finally nail this moderation thing, I feel a little more confident about keeping things going. Like right now I'm gonna have the other half of my grapefruit cause I'm still a little hungry rather than the ginger cookies hiding in my cupboard :)
Have a great weekend!
Monday, 9 April 2012
Am I Not Ready?
I saw my counselor today and we were running through some of the issues I have with my inability to leave food if I see it. She told me that I have this Depression-era thinking that food is not going to be around, so I get the most of it when I can. This can stem back to my childhood (don't get me wrong, we were NEVER without food), but we had to travel 45 mins into the next town to get it, and we went twice per month (pay day). Eating out was a novelty, a treat. So I have this thinking that I am never going to have this special food so I'd better get as much of it as I can when I do get it. Fine when I was in a situation where it wasn't readily available. Not so fine when you live in the biggest city in Canada and literally everything is at your doorstep.
Anyway, she told me that probably the best solution for me was prevention. Don't have that trigger food. Don't go to ethnic restaurants (I think I had an episode at the Indian place on the weekend that would make my bf jealous, lol)...don't put yourself in the situation where you're going to have to face these huge temptations.
Now, I have a problem with this. How is that living?? How is turning down social engagements, always vetoing restaurants, never eating things that are truly pleasurable, living life? Why can't I be taught strategies for getting through these things, not just avoidance. Because you know what happens when you avoid? When, eventually, you are put back into that situation, you go friggin ape shit..pardon my language. You go nuts. I want to be taught moderation. How to learn to say no to some things, but that it's ok to say yes to some things. She told me that I wasn't interested in compromise. I said, no, that's not true. I don't KNOW HOW to compromise in a way that still allows me to live how I want to live and reach my goal. I am not adverse to cheat nights. I can do the 80/20 split. That's not a problem. But what happens when you have things that go over your allotted cheat meals? If my plan is 1 night out a week, what happens if there is more than one engagement? Say no? That seems odd. That seems like letting your problem control you rather than learning how to face and get over the problem.
I don't want to learn how to AVOID things...I want to learn how to CONTROL things. Avoidance is not the control strategy I want to use.
I want to eat those good foods. And then she told me, well maybe you're not ready for this. Maybe you're on your way to being ready, but not completely. Maybe you have to own up to the decisions you make, saying yes, maybe I would be in better shape if I didn't hit Baskin Robbins twice last week (this is an example, I haven't eaten ice cream in forever, lol). See that pisses me off. How am I not ready? How is my trying to find a way to have my cake and eat it too (hehe) not being ready? I want strategies (real ones, not avoiding), to deal with this situations. I want to know why I think the way I do and how to cope with it. I don't want to avoid life to be thin.
If I wasn't ready I never would have employed the various tools that I have. I think it's easier to avoid things than to learn how to deal with them. I can't avoid everything. I want the mental strategies to know how to cope, not pretend food doesn't exist.
Anyway...next week is my last session (I only get so many from my benefits). It's helped me to talk some things through. But I don't think we ever got to the root of what it was. Or if we did, I don't think we were coming at it from the same angle. I think hitting on the Depression-era mentality was important. But I am still no closer to figuring out how to conquer that, or changing my mindset, than I was at the beginning. That's frustrating. That means that I'm really no closer to figuring out my mental issues than I was 6 weeks ago. Looks like I'm back to figuring it out on my own. But at least I have some things to go on.
Bed...trainer session tomorrow.
Anyway, she told me that probably the best solution for me was prevention. Don't have that trigger food. Don't go to ethnic restaurants (I think I had an episode at the Indian place on the weekend that would make my bf jealous, lol)...don't put yourself in the situation where you're going to have to face these huge temptations.
Now, I have a problem with this. How is that living?? How is turning down social engagements, always vetoing restaurants, never eating things that are truly pleasurable, living life? Why can't I be taught strategies for getting through these things, not just avoidance. Because you know what happens when you avoid? When, eventually, you are put back into that situation, you go friggin ape shit..pardon my language. You go nuts. I want to be taught moderation. How to learn to say no to some things, but that it's ok to say yes to some things. She told me that I wasn't interested in compromise. I said, no, that's not true. I don't KNOW HOW to compromise in a way that still allows me to live how I want to live and reach my goal. I am not adverse to cheat nights. I can do the 80/20 split. That's not a problem. But what happens when you have things that go over your allotted cheat meals? If my plan is 1 night out a week, what happens if there is more than one engagement? Say no? That seems odd. That seems like letting your problem control you rather than learning how to face and get over the problem.
I don't want to learn how to AVOID things...I want to learn how to CONTROL things. Avoidance is not the control strategy I want to use.
I want to eat those good foods. And then she told me, well maybe you're not ready for this. Maybe you're on your way to being ready, but not completely. Maybe you have to own up to the decisions you make, saying yes, maybe I would be in better shape if I didn't hit Baskin Robbins twice last week (this is an example, I haven't eaten ice cream in forever, lol). See that pisses me off. How am I not ready? How is my trying to find a way to have my cake and eat it too (hehe) not being ready? I want strategies (real ones, not avoiding), to deal with this situations. I want to know why I think the way I do and how to cope with it. I don't want to avoid life to be thin.
If I wasn't ready I never would have employed the various tools that I have. I think it's easier to avoid things than to learn how to deal with them. I can't avoid everything. I want the mental strategies to know how to cope, not pretend food doesn't exist.
Anyway...next week is my last session (I only get so many from my benefits). It's helped me to talk some things through. But I don't think we ever got to the root of what it was. Or if we did, I don't think we were coming at it from the same angle. I think hitting on the Depression-era mentality was important. But I am still no closer to figuring out how to conquer that, or changing my mindset, than I was at the beginning. That's frustrating. That means that I'm really no closer to figuring out my mental issues than I was 6 weeks ago. Looks like I'm back to figuring it out on my own. But at least I have some things to go on.
Bed...trainer session tomorrow.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Off Track
This week has not been good. I hurt my back, which means no exercise, which also means I'm out of my routine and as explained before if you take me out of my routine bad things tend to happen. On top of my back work has been extremely stressful with 4 days of no internet and pissed off agents and students wanting every favour under the sun.
However, what is really bothering me is my seemingly inability to remain on pointe nutrition wise when my fitness is stalled. If I can't exercise, I have to make sure my nutrition is excellent. And it wasn't. I felt me coming apart a little bit at the seams. I was back to my old tricks where I know exactly what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway. Multiple cookies on Tuesday? Yup (simple pleasure ones, but still), 1/4 of a loaf of lemon loaf on Wednesday? Yup. About 10 molasses crinkles cookies on Thurs-Friday? Yup. Big burger and fries from one of those gourmet places on Friday? Yup, did that too. Bigger portions at home...check, check check.
Why is it the moment one feels sick or not 100% food is the only friggin solution?? I know it's not just me. Lots of people go through this. WHY?? I bounced back a little on Friday. Veggies and portioned out homemade pizza. But last night's dinner was incredibly oily greek food. This morning I ate 4 (FOUR!!) blueberry pancakes with maple syrup. I normally have 2. Eff.
I was talking with my counsellor on Friday and she wants me to make a note every day of 1 good thing I say yes to, and 1 bad thing I say no to. Just one thing. So it's not so overwhelming.
Not sure I'm doing so well. It's very hard for me to see the positive, so this is a hard exercise for me.
Oh well, even though I had 4 pancakes today, I'm not going to pull the "tomorrow is another day" routine. I'm going to take it from the moment I ate those pancakes to make it better. I have my dinner planned, and I'm really not hungry for lunch. But maybe some greek yogurt and fruit, or a light sandwich. Then I am going to do a light workout cause I miss it.
Time to get back on track so all my hard work isn't for nothing.
However, what is really bothering me is my seemingly inability to remain on pointe nutrition wise when my fitness is stalled. If I can't exercise, I have to make sure my nutrition is excellent. And it wasn't. I felt me coming apart a little bit at the seams. I was back to my old tricks where I know exactly what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway. Multiple cookies on Tuesday? Yup (simple pleasure ones, but still), 1/4 of a loaf of lemon loaf on Wednesday? Yup. About 10 molasses crinkles cookies on Thurs-Friday? Yup. Big burger and fries from one of those gourmet places on Friday? Yup, did that too. Bigger portions at home...check, check check.
Why is it the moment one feels sick or not 100% food is the only friggin solution?? I know it's not just me. Lots of people go through this. WHY?? I bounced back a little on Friday. Veggies and portioned out homemade pizza. But last night's dinner was incredibly oily greek food. This morning I ate 4 (FOUR!!) blueberry pancakes with maple syrup. I normally have 2. Eff.
I was talking with my counsellor on Friday and she wants me to make a note every day of 1 good thing I say yes to, and 1 bad thing I say no to. Just one thing. So it's not so overwhelming.
Not sure I'm doing so well. It's very hard for me to see the positive, so this is a hard exercise for me.
Oh well, even though I had 4 pancakes today, I'm not going to pull the "tomorrow is another day" routine. I'm going to take it from the moment I ate those pancakes to make it better. I have my dinner planned, and I'm really not hungry for lunch. But maybe some greek yogurt and fruit, or a light sandwich. Then I am going to do a light workout cause I miss it.
Time to get back on track so all my hard work isn't for nothing.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Boredom post!
I hurt my back yesterday. I had my trainer workout and I think I forgot, or got tired, and didn't brace my core, especially when I was doing dead lift sumo squats. I noticed a twinge when I got back up to my apt, and by mid-day I was having trouble walking. This morning I was ok until I got out of bed. Then when it had to support my weight/body it got so bad I asked my bf to put on my socks for me. He just looked at me and was, Meg, stay home. You can barely walk, you can't even put on your socks. Work remotely. So that's what I'm doing. No sense being in extreme pain and not getting better. I changed my massage appt to 1 instead of 5 and (when I'm done here, lol) I will continue my work. Brilliant me got server access to my email and put remote desktop on my computer so I can access my systems at work. Le sigh...shoulda left well enough alone, lol. Overachiever over here :)
So back to my back. This is a chronic thing. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I was a competitive rifle shooter for 14 yrs. I hurt my back training one time (was out for like 6 months), and now it's pretty much chronic. Put that with repetitive stress injuries down my left side and I'm a mess! Especially when I have girl time I have to be very very careful about what I do and lift etc. It got a lot better after I lost weight, but sometimes it just goes. Yesterday was one of those times. I need to do more core and low back strengthening. I don't blame my trainer. I've done these exercises lots of times and she's always watching for my form. But if you don't brace your core then she can't really see that. It just sucks cause it derails my fitness. I might go swimming later today since it's low-impact.
In food news, I met with my nutritionist friend yesterday. She was fantastic, but damn it was depressing. Give up caffeine? Give up dairy? No. Sorry. I understand not going nuts, but I enjoy that stuff! I've cut out A LOT. After being schooled by my trainer I am trying to cut out any unnecessary sugar and "white" foods from my diet. But I like coffee. I like dairy. I like meat. Am I wrong to think I can still eat the foods I like and lose weight? I understand that it might not be as fast, but at least I'd be happy right? I don't eat fast food. I've cut out diet pop. I portion control everything. I just can't believe that my diet is THAT bad. But maybe she's on to something. I am going to have to learn to make concessions where I can. But I am not going to totally sacrifice what I enjoy.
On another note, measurements tomorrow! I'm really hoping for some serious numbers. Cause I know the scale is gonna slow down soon. I'm going to need to focus on other things when that happens.
Ok, back to work!
So back to my back. This is a chronic thing. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I was a competitive rifle shooter for 14 yrs. I hurt my back training one time (was out for like 6 months), and now it's pretty much chronic. Put that with repetitive stress injuries down my left side and I'm a mess! Especially when I have girl time I have to be very very careful about what I do and lift etc. It got a lot better after I lost weight, but sometimes it just goes. Yesterday was one of those times. I need to do more core and low back strengthening. I don't blame my trainer. I've done these exercises lots of times and she's always watching for my form. But if you don't brace your core then she can't really see that. It just sucks cause it derails my fitness. I might go swimming later today since it's low-impact.
In food news, I met with my nutritionist friend yesterday. She was fantastic, but damn it was depressing. Give up caffeine? Give up dairy? No. Sorry. I understand not going nuts, but I enjoy that stuff! I've cut out A LOT. After being schooled by my trainer I am trying to cut out any unnecessary sugar and "white" foods from my diet. But I like coffee. I like dairy. I like meat. Am I wrong to think I can still eat the foods I like and lose weight? I understand that it might not be as fast, but at least I'd be happy right? I don't eat fast food. I've cut out diet pop. I portion control everything. I just can't believe that my diet is THAT bad. But maybe she's on to something. I am going to have to learn to make concessions where I can. But I am not going to totally sacrifice what I enjoy.
On another note, measurements tomorrow! I'm really hoping for some serious numbers. Cause I know the scale is gonna slow down soon. I'm going to need to focus on other things when that happens.
Ok, back to work!
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Anger?
So apparently what follows tiredness is anger. I woke up in a pissy mood today. I don't know why. I got to sleep in. I got to cuddle with my bf, but it quickly went sour. Our plan was to have something light to eat then hit the gym, then on to our regular Sunday activities of getting groceries and (me) cleaning the apt. But my bf went directly to his computer and started working (he's really busy on freelance projects right now). I said, let's go. He said, ya, after my coffee, then he asked me to make him coffee. I did it but inside I was boiling.
Now, this is odd. Who gets pissed over being asked to make coffee? I think it was because we had this plan and he was delaying it cause of work. I got pissed because he was ignoring what I wanted to do. We didn't get downstairs until like 11 and I was still angry. Every time he asked me to do something for him I got angry. I was just in a bad mood. I was sick and tired of being responsible for everything. And that includes weight loss. I am getting angry that I have to do all this work that for some people it comes so naturally.
This mood stayed with me all through grocery shopping. We always get a zipcar when we get groceries, it just makes it easier. He met me after working with a friend so had his laptop and mouse and we put it in the glove compartment. After groceries he drops me at home and goes to return the car. He comes back like 15 mins later and asks me if I have his mouse (I had taken his laptop). I said no, it's in the glove box. He said he couldn't find it. Then he starts yelling that he had given it to me to keep and how did I leave it behind, etc, etc. I lost it. It's his goddamned mouse, and therefore his responsibility to find it. With me being so close to the edge, I just started yelling right back. We just blew up at each other.
It felt good, lol. To vent whatever anger I had been feeling. Because I am not sure where this anger is directed. This is not a major fight for us, so I know the anger isn't purely about him. The main source of my anger was my annoyance the last couple days of how hard I have to work to lose weight and keep myself going. I'm pissed that I have to do it. And I think this is resulting from skipping Friday and Saturday. Skipping my workouts is remnant of past behaviour when I wasn't totally committed. It's a sign of reverting back to how I was before. This guilt somehow turns to anger? Not sure. I guess anger at myself and so I take it out on the world at large? I can see that.
I worked out today and I am more or less on track in terms of food. That anger and my lack of control with buffets will definitely be a subject for my counseling session this week. I need some clarity.
Now, this is odd. Who gets pissed over being asked to make coffee? I think it was because we had this plan and he was delaying it cause of work. I got pissed because he was ignoring what I wanted to do. We didn't get downstairs until like 11 and I was still angry. Every time he asked me to do something for him I got angry. I was just in a bad mood. I was sick and tired of being responsible for everything. And that includes weight loss. I am getting angry that I have to do all this work that for some people it comes so naturally.
This mood stayed with me all through grocery shopping. We always get a zipcar when we get groceries, it just makes it easier. He met me after working with a friend so had his laptop and mouse and we put it in the glove compartment. After groceries he drops me at home and goes to return the car. He comes back like 15 mins later and asks me if I have his mouse (I had taken his laptop). I said no, it's in the glove box. He said he couldn't find it. Then he starts yelling that he had given it to me to keep and how did I leave it behind, etc, etc. I lost it. It's his goddamned mouse, and therefore his responsibility to find it. With me being so close to the edge, I just started yelling right back. We just blew up at each other.
It felt good, lol. To vent whatever anger I had been feeling. Because I am not sure where this anger is directed. This is not a major fight for us, so I know the anger isn't purely about him. The main source of my anger was my annoyance the last couple days of how hard I have to work to lose weight and keep myself going. I'm pissed that I have to do it. And I think this is resulting from skipping Friday and Saturday. Skipping my workouts is remnant of past behaviour when I wasn't totally committed. It's a sign of reverting back to how I was before. This guilt somehow turns to anger? Not sure. I guess anger at myself and so I take it out on the world at large? I can see that.
I worked out today and I am more or less on track in terms of food. That anger and my lack of control with buffets will definitely be a subject for my counseling session this week. I need some clarity.
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Tired
It has not been a stellar week for me. At least, I don't think so. This is why...I feel that feeling coming on again. That feeling you get when you've been doing something for a long time and you start to get tired and lose motivation. I worked out Monday. I had my trainer on Tuesday. Then I had another trainer appt on Wednesday because we missed a session last week. But I think what is throwing me is that I didn't do my plan on Wednesday. MWF are cardio days. I do whatever version of my run that I'm on at the time. But because of the trainer appt I didn't do it. I had planned on getting up early and getting it out of the way and then meeting my trainer for resistance in the afternoon. But I woke up before my alarm and changed the time. Then I was going to do it after my trainer appt., but she put me through some gruelling cardio (think multiple sets of jumping jacks, skipping, and mountain climbers done in a circuit rotation...ugh), and I was tired and I didn't want to do it. I think this was the first time I had backed out of a planned workout. Except for maybe one Friday, but then I'd do Saturday and Sunday to make up for it.
It's like there was a dent in my motivation armour. Or a crack. Because when Friday rolled around and I had to attend a potluck at my school, I kinda went nuts. I ate about 1000 calories for lunch. I had pasta and dumplings and pizza and chocolate chip cookies and banana bread and real coke. I felt gross for the entire afternoon. And why did I do it? I don't know. I don't know what it is about the presence of food and my inability to turn away. I'll definitely be bringing that up with my counsellor next week. Then on Friday I skipped the gym. Again, cardio day. Again, I bailed. Fine, I could take Friday as my rest day and do Saturday and Sunday instead.
Except what happens today? I get back downtown after work and head to the mall (there actually was something I needed). But I'm out too long and the bf and I have plans to meet at 5-ish for some well needed time together. I don't have enough time to workout and get ready, so I forgo the workout and instead focus on straightening my hair. My bf and I are working out tomorrow morning, but it feels like I am very tenuously holding on to a very slippery slope. I peeked at the scale this afternoon and I showed a STS from Monday. That's good news. But my dinner may push that over the edge. We went to Lone Star Steakhouse. I wanted fajitas because I knew that aside from the tortillas, I could handle the choice. I didn't account for the complimentary tortilla chips and salsa. My hand just kept reaching for the basket even though my head was screaming "NO!" Then I had the fajitas and while my plan was to ignore the sour cream, that got put on as well. Along with eating bites of the bf's caesar salad that came with his steak.
So all in all this week I've had 3 very heavy, fat laden meals. Wings, potluck, and tex mex. This does not bode well for Monday. But I'm also scared about my success. This is exactly the same feeling I had before when things started to fall apart. I'm also not tracking as dilligently, as in I forget to do it, or eat before it's planned out. This is very reckless considering how fast I can go down in situations like this. This feeling is not comforting and I'm scared.
Tomorrow is of course a new day, and I will tackle it head on. But there is still some fear and I need to focus on that and learn how to conquer it before I can fully move on.
It's like there was a dent in my motivation armour. Or a crack. Because when Friday rolled around and I had to attend a potluck at my school, I kinda went nuts. I ate about 1000 calories for lunch. I had pasta and dumplings and pizza and chocolate chip cookies and banana bread and real coke. I felt gross for the entire afternoon. And why did I do it? I don't know. I don't know what it is about the presence of food and my inability to turn away. I'll definitely be bringing that up with my counsellor next week. Then on Friday I skipped the gym. Again, cardio day. Again, I bailed. Fine, I could take Friday as my rest day and do Saturday and Sunday instead.
Except what happens today? I get back downtown after work and head to the mall (there actually was something I needed). But I'm out too long and the bf and I have plans to meet at 5-ish for some well needed time together. I don't have enough time to workout and get ready, so I forgo the workout and instead focus on straightening my hair. My bf and I are working out tomorrow morning, but it feels like I am very tenuously holding on to a very slippery slope. I peeked at the scale this afternoon and I showed a STS from Monday. That's good news. But my dinner may push that over the edge. We went to Lone Star Steakhouse. I wanted fajitas because I knew that aside from the tortillas, I could handle the choice. I didn't account for the complimentary tortilla chips and salsa. My hand just kept reaching for the basket even though my head was screaming "NO!" Then I had the fajitas and while my plan was to ignore the sour cream, that got put on as well. Along with eating bites of the bf's caesar salad that came with his steak.
So all in all this week I've had 3 very heavy, fat laden meals. Wings, potluck, and tex mex. This does not bode well for Monday. But I'm also scared about my success. This is exactly the same feeling I had before when things started to fall apart. I'm also not tracking as dilligently, as in I forget to do it, or eat before it's planned out. This is very reckless considering how fast I can go down in situations like this. This feeling is not comforting and I'm scared.
Tomorrow is of course a new day, and I will tackle it head on. But there is still some fear and I need to focus on that and learn how to conquer it before I can fully move on.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Positivity Update
Yesterday was great. Bf and I are talking again (dancing around the oh so important issue at hand). I'm going to slowly try to go forward with discussing things and see how I fare.
Aside from the bf stopping being such an ass, I had a good run, maybe even a great run. I went to my regular gym and then unpacked everything and saw that I was missing my headphones. I'm sorry, I can't run without all of my stuff. I can't run along to the gym music. At this stage in the game with willpower and determination holding on by a thread, I'm not about to make my runs even harder. So I decided to head home and hit my condo gym.
This could have been disastrous. I am very easily swayed. If this had happened even 2 months ago, I can almost guarantee that I wouldn't have run at all. I would have said I'm tired. Oh it's Friday, I'll take this as my rest day and go on Sunday (knowing full well how much I don't like exercising on weekends). As I've explained before, I can justify anything. It's a gift.
So I get home and the bf wants to go out and buy a bike helmet (he's doing the 200 km bike ride to conquer cancer for Princess Margaret Hospital in June) and I tell him, nope, I gotta hit the gym. And the biggest part? I actually do it! Cue applause! lol.
So I'm down there, finished my warm up and said to myself, ok, you can't look at the time until 2 songs are over. I was toward the end of the first song, and I said, nope, wait for 3 songs...then nope, wait for 4 songs. I made a commitment to focus ahead of me and not look at the time for 4 songs (which I figured would put me at the 20 minute mark)...and I actually did it!! I was so freaking happy. The run itself was even good. Every time I felt tired I just kept telling myself that it's my body growing stronger and pushing itself. When I finally did look at the clock I only had 5 mins left! So I added incline and pushed myself, all with the biggest smile on my face (pretty sure the girl next to me thought I was crazy!)
It was such a nice feeling after the rest of the week. I don't know what is the cause of it...the self-talk beforehand, the fact that it was the 4th time running at that speed, or I'm just getting stronger, period. In the end I don't really care, it felt great! I think I am going to keep that speed and add some incline next time. I need to start conditioning myself to run outside. I'm still a little scare to hit the pavement. Yesterday would have been the perfect day. It was freaking beautiful in Toronto. But I'm not there yet. I really want some endurance before I attempt it so that I have the confidence to face the fact that running outside is harder than on the treadmill.
Today was good too. Taught at Humber for 4 hours, checked out Winners for workout gear (total bust, the Reebok yoga pants I wanted were no longer there :( ), then on the way home bf and I decided to hit the gym when we got back. I did my resistance workout from my trainer and he did 5K on the treadmill (so jealous of his ability to just RUN...did I mention it was at a speed of like 8.0-10.0? sigh). My workout felt great, added some more weight. Then we hit the pool and swam a bit, then the hot tub, then up to our suite. It was great. We did the same thing last Saturday and it's such an awesome bonding experience. Exercise endorphins and quality time (especially after the last few days we've had :S)
In the 17 days of March that we've had, I've been active 14 of those 17 days. That is freaking amazing! I am so proud of myself. I am really looking forward to my WI on Monday, and I feel in control of what I'm doing. There is something to be said for positivity :)
Aside from the bf stopping being such an ass, I had a good run, maybe even a great run. I went to my regular gym and then unpacked everything and saw that I was missing my headphones. I'm sorry, I can't run without all of my stuff. I can't run along to the gym music. At this stage in the game with willpower and determination holding on by a thread, I'm not about to make my runs even harder. So I decided to head home and hit my condo gym.
This could have been disastrous. I am very easily swayed. If this had happened even 2 months ago, I can almost guarantee that I wouldn't have run at all. I would have said I'm tired. Oh it's Friday, I'll take this as my rest day and go on Sunday (knowing full well how much I don't like exercising on weekends). As I've explained before, I can justify anything. It's a gift.
So I get home and the bf wants to go out and buy a bike helmet (he's doing the 200 km bike ride to conquer cancer for Princess Margaret Hospital in June) and I tell him, nope, I gotta hit the gym. And the biggest part? I actually do it! Cue applause! lol.
So I'm down there, finished my warm up and said to myself, ok, you can't look at the time until 2 songs are over. I was toward the end of the first song, and I said, nope, wait for 3 songs...then nope, wait for 4 songs. I made a commitment to focus ahead of me and not look at the time for 4 songs (which I figured would put me at the 20 minute mark)...and I actually did it!! I was so freaking happy. The run itself was even good. Every time I felt tired I just kept telling myself that it's my body growing stronger and pushing itself. When I finally did look at the clock I only had 5 mins left! So I added incline and pushed myself, all with the biggest smile on my face (pretty sure the girl next to me thought I was crazy!)
It was such a nice feeling after the rest of the week. I don't know what is the cause of it...the self-talk beforehand, the fact that it was the 4th time running at that speed, or I'm just getting stronger, period. In the end I don't really care, it felt great! I think I am going to keep that speed and add some incline next time. I need to start conditioning myself to run outside. I'm still a little scare to hit the pavement. Yesterday would have been the perfect day. It was freaking beautiful in Toronto. But I'm not there yet. I really want some endurance before I attempt it so that I have the confidence to face the fact that running outside is harder than on the treadmill.
Today was good too. Taught at Humber for 4 hours, checked out Winners for workout gear (total bust, the Reebok yoga pants I wanted were no longer there :( ), then on the way home bf and I decided to hit the gym when we got back. I did my resistance workout from my trainer and he did 5K on the treadmill (so jealous of his ability to just RUN...did I mention it was at a speed of like 8.0-10.0? sigh). My workout felt great, added some more weight. Then we hit the pool and swam a bit, then the hot tub, then up to our suite. It was great. We did the same thing last Saturday and it's such an awesome bonding experience. Exercise endorphins and quality time (especially after the last few days we've had :S)
In the 17 days of March that we've had, I've been active 14 of those 17 days. That is freaking amazing! I am so proud of myself. I am really looking forward to my WI on Monday, and I feel in control of what I'm doing. There is something to be said for positivity :)
Friday, 16 March 2012
Thank you
I'm calmer now and no longer feel like screaming or crying (mighta done a lil bit of both yesterday, but anyway). Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to the people who reached out to me about this (either in the comments here, or on the WW boards where so many lovely people support each other every single day).
I don't honestly know what's going to happen. With this situation or with our relationship. But I'm hoping we can calmly discuss things. I tried a little today and he was semi-receptive.
On another note, in a trial because of some negative posts I've made lately about my running...I am about to head downstairs to get my run on and I am determined to stay positive no matter what happens. If I have to stop for one minute, that is not a failure. If I have to drop my speed 1 or 2 points, that is not a failure. I am going to feel good about my run and how I'm feeling and the changes I am making.
Here's to positivity!! Stay tuned to see if I can follow through ;) I'll post an update when I'm done :) (sigh, still looking for emoticon help...not even sure it exists!)
I don't honestly know what's going to happen. With this situation or with our relationship. But I'm hoping we can calmly discuss things. I tried a little today and he was semi-receptive.
On another note, in a trial because of some negative posts I've made lately about my running...I am about to head downstairs to get my run on and I am determined to stay positive no matter what happens. If I have to stop for one minute, that is not a failure. If I have to drop my speed 1 or 2 points, that is not a failure. I am going to feel good about my run and how I'm feeling and the changes I am making.
Here's to positivity!! Stay tuned to see if I can follow through ;) I'll post an update when I'm done :) (sigh, still looking for emoticon help...not even sure it exists!)
Thursday, 15 March 2012
What do you do when...
Your bf decides to bring his parents over from his native country to live with you (!) in your 560 square foot condo (!) for 4+ months (!)
I've met his parents. His parents are very nice. They are nice people, I like his family (not that we can communicate at all with the no English and no Arabic/Berber thing). But in a small downtown Toronto condo??? With ZERO discussion or consultation with me? I'm torn between screaming and crying. I don't know if this is cultural or not....but I CANNOT live in a small space with many ppl! I am into families living on their own! Living on top of each other is not in my effing culture.
You know what? I'm not even frickin mad that they're coming. If we had a bigger place (god, even an effing TWO bedroom condo!) then I honestly would not care as much. As long as everyone had a place to go and I could go away and close a door and block it all out. But let me give you an idea of my condo...open door, go right past a closet and in-suite laundry and you have bathroom. Go straight and you have a hella long hallway that opens up into an open concept living/dining/kitchen space. Walk into the middle of that open concept space and then turn around and face back toward the hallway. What do you see? Our bedroom! With a CLEAR GLASS siding door!!!!!!! That's it. That's my condo. Oh, and a 70 sq. ft. balcony. Can I ask them to stay on the balcony? Something tells me that'd be wrong. THAT's why I'm pissed. Because he took absolute no thought to my feelings. He didn't consider my feelings or thoughts on this matter at all.
When he brought it up I tried to explain to him why I didn't want them to come. No, not to not come, but that they can't stay with us. It's too small! Why couldn't he wait until we had something bigger? But he'd immediately get defensive and say it's his house (uh, only 50%, the other 50% is mine, just sayin'), and it's his family and he'll do what he wants. Great. Thanks for taking into equation your 4+ yr gf who you've lived with for a year now. Thanks for calmly discussing things with me and acknowledging that there might be some issues to having two more ppl in our condo for untold months. Thanks for proving unequivocally that I mean next to nothing to you.
He's not really speaking to me right now. When he texted me today I felt like I was going to cry. I know what my life is going to be like for several months and I just got so depressed. It's going to mean fights with him (because I'll expect things from him that he won't do, such as alone time, speaking English, and making sure that my home is kept in the condition I want it in). It's going to mean a lot of late nights because they can stay up and talk for hours (did I mention the glass sliding door?? doesn't keep out a lot of noise when your living room is right outside of it and you're trying to sleep and there are 3 ppl yelling in a foreign language). It's going to mean Ramadan with his more conservative parents and being pressured to follow along. It's going to mean a complete lack of intimacy and affection because of some ingrained fear of PDA. It's going to mean several months of intense loneliness and potential sadness and I think it's completely unfair that I just be expected to go along with it. They are really nice ppl...but they were here for 3 months before (2 yrs ago), and my bf and I didn't even live with each other and I had such a hard time dealing with it.
I met him after work, and I was angry. Sad and angry. And he was talking about it, and it just came out "oh, I'm surprised they got the visa". Since I've been working more closely with international students and the trouble they have getting visas, I was surprised his parents got theirs. There are things like income, ties to the country, and potential to not leave Canada that the visa officers look into. A lot of people are denied because of those reasons. But I shouldn't have mentioned it. I didn't mention it as a personal attack to his parents (as he took it). I just meant at the specifics of similar types of applications. He took it personal. Very personal. But now there's no way I can talk to him about the issues with them coming here. He's taking it so personally that it would be impossible to talk about it further.
I am so hurt. His complete lack of consideration is a serious blow to me and our relationship. This was a huge decision that was made completely without me, despite it affecting me immensely. I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Maybe if he had discussed it AT ALL with me prior to getting them to apply, then I would feel better. Maybe if we had nailed down the living arrangements (trade off with his brother perhaps?) maybe I would feel better. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that now I feel like crap and that I'm about to lose my bf.
I know what's going to happen. We're going to make up with the promise that I never bring this up ever again. I will inwardly seethe over everything that pisses me off. And I will try to get through this. If I can. If we can.
I've met his parents. His parents are very nice. They are nice people, I like his family (not that we can communicate at all with the no English and no Arabic/Berber thing). But in a small downtown Toronto condo??? With ZERO discussion or consultation with me? I'm torn between screaming and crying. I don't know if this is cultural or not....but I CANNOT live in a small space with many ppl! I am into families living on their own! Living on top of each other is not in my effing culture.
You know what? I'm not even frickin mad that they're coming. If we had a bigger place (god, even an effing TWO bedroom condo!) then I honestly would not care as much. As long as everyone had a place to go and I could go away and close a door and block it all out. But let me give you an idea of my condo...open door, go right past a closet and in-suite laundry and you have bathroom. Go straight and you have a hella long hallway that opens up into an open concept living/dining/kitchen space. Walk into the middle of that open concept space and then turn around and face back toward the hallway. What do you see? Our bedroom! With a CLEAR GLASS siding door!!!!!!! That's it. That's my condo. Oh, and a 70 sq. ft. balcony. Can I ask them to stay on the balcony? Something tells me that'd be wrong. THAT's why I'm pissed. Because he took absolute no thought to my feelings. He didn't consider my feelings or thoughts on this matter at all.
When he brought it up I tried to explain to him why I didn't want them to come. No, not to not come, but that they can't stay with us. It's too small! Why couldn't he wait until we had something bigger? But he'd immediately get defensive and say it's his house (uh, only 50%, the other 50% is mine, just sayin'), and it's his family and he'll do what he wants. Great. Thanks for taking into equation your 4+ yr gf who you've lived with for a year now. Thanks for calmly discussing things with me and acknowledging that there might be some issues to having two more ppl in our condo for untold months. Thanks for proving unequivocally that I mean next to nothing to you.
He's not really speaking to me right now. When he texted me today I felt like I was going to cry. I know what my life is going to be like for several months and I just got so depressed. It's going to mean fights with him (because I'll expect things from him that he won't do, such as alone time, speaking English, and making sure that my home is kept in the condition I want it in). It's going to mean a lot of late nights because they can stay up and talk for hours (did I mention the glass sliding door?? doesn't keep out a lot of noise when your living room is right outside of it and you're trying to sleep and there are 3 ppl yelling in a foreign language). It's going to mean Ramadan with his more conservative parents and being pressured to follow along. It's going to mean a complete lack of intimacy and affection because of some ingrained fear of PDA. It's going to mean several months of intense loneliness and potential sadness and I think it's completely unfair that I just be expected to go along with it. They are really nice ppl...but they were here for 3 months before (2 yrs ago), and my bf and I didn't even live with each other and I had such a hard time dealing with it.
I met him after work, and I was angry. Sad and angry. And he was talking about it, and it just came out "oh, I'm surprised they got the visa". Since I've been working more closely with international students and the trouble they have getting visas, I was surprised his parents got theirs. There are things like income, ties to the country, and potential to not leave Canada that the visa officers look into. A lot of people are denied because of those reasons. But I shouldn't have mentioned it. I didn't mention it as a personal attack to his parents (as he took it). I just meant at the specifics of similar types of applications. He took it personal. Very personal. But now there's no way I can talk to him about the issues with them coming here. He's taking it so personally that it would be impossible to talk about it further.
I am so hurt. His complete lack of consideration is a serious blow to me and our relationship. This was a huge decision that was made completely without me, despite it affecting me immensely. I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Maybe if he had discussed it AT ALL with me prior to getting them to apply, then I would feel better. Maybe if we had nailed down the living arrangements (trade off with his brother perhaps?) maybe I would feel better. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that now I feel like crap and that I'm about to lose my bf.
I know what's going to happen. We're going to make up with the promise that I never bring this up ever again. I will inwardly seethe over everything that pisses me off. And I will try to get through this. If I can. If we can.
Monday, 12 March 2012
WI 3
Up....0.2. I was angry (this morning when I WI) but then I got over it. I didn't hold onto my serenity, but that's a whole other story to come. It's my TOM. I also had a sodium laden meal yesterday. But to be honest, if I don't see something major next week I am going to lose it. I don't think my sanity or my confidence could handle a gain or a STS. It won't matter how many small changes I notice, or how many lists I make, or how many times I say that the scale is just one part. Yes, it's one part, but I need that part to work with the other parts. I need it to drop. Is that bad? I feel like it's bad to actually admit how much I need the scale to drop. I feel like I'm supposed to say it doesn't matter at all. But for me, it does.
I'm still focusing a lot on my inches lost (haven't taken my 4 week measurements yet, but I can feel it). I'm still focusing on what I feel (generally lighter and more in control), and I'm still focusing on the feeling of getting stronger.
But in addition to all of that, I need that number to drop. Oh sure, I'm in the middle of an emotional battle and a commercial for Red Lobster's Lobster Fest comes on tv...sigh. lol...c'est la vie, non?
Anyway, as I said, I was good this morning. I was good this afternoon, I headed to the gym with a veritable spring in my step. Time to rock out my second run at 5.0. (did my first yesterday). Hopped on that treadmill, did my warm up, and then started my jog.
Eff it was awful. Absolutely bloody awful. I couldn't make it 10 minutes without stopping. I took a 1 minute break and got back on. Made it maybe another 5 or 6 minutes and took another break. My legs were tired, I was breathing pretty heavily (after 14 yrs of competitive history, breathing is never an issue for me, I can breathe like a champ), but today it was hard. I got back on and made if for the 7-8 minutes I had left, then I stretched, and left the gym in a funk. I was angry. I was sad. Actually, more sad than anything.
I know bad runs happen. They happen all the time, especially for someone building up their endurance. Running isn't second nature to me yet, so some days are gonna be rough. I think also with running at 5.0 the day before, and resistance on Saturday, my body was just tired. It's only been 3 weeks ish (this week is my 4th week back on track), and it will take time for my body to get used to the level of activity I am demanding from it. But it just brought to the surface the frustration at my WI, and the fact that I let myself get to this stage when it could have been prevented. I just felt like everything is so hard this time around. Nothing is easy. So I basically had a pity party in my head on my way home. Got myself into a good funk on the streetcar. Texting the bf was no help. His response? Don't ruin my kebob (I had planned a special dinner for tonight). Gee, thanks babe.
I ended up calling my mom and breaking down on her. It was good to get it out, but I'm still sad. I see my counsellor tomorrow, which is a very very good thing. Two weeks is much too long to go by without seeing someone. There've been a lot of emotional food choices in the past two weeks (most victories, but some oopses as well).
The only positive thing that came from this? I didn't binge. I didn't walk into Sobey's and buy junk. I came home and had an apple with natural PB (which was already tracked as one of my snacks for today). Then I had an orange. The orange was emotional eating. It wasn't planned for. So on one head, emotional eating is emotional eating, but on the other hand, it was a frickin orange. I'll take that over a bag of kettle chips any day.
Tomorrow is a new day (ever feel like Scarlett O'Hara when you say that??) and I will have my early morning session with my trainer and I will feel good about myself and what I'm doing. Because positive thinking is in my control, even when a lot of things are not.
I'm still focusing a lot on my inches lost (haven't taken my 4 week measurements yet, but I can feel it). I'm still focusing on what I feel (generally lighter and more in control), and I'm still focusing on the feeling of getting stronger.
But in addition to all of that, I need that number to drop. Oh sure, I'm in the middle of an emotional battle and a commercial for Red Lobster's Lobster Fest comes on tv...sigh. lol...c'est la vie, non?
Anyway, as I said, I was good this morning. I was good this afternoon, I headed to the gym with a veritable spring in my step. Time to rock out my second run at 5.0. (did my first yesterday). Hopped on that treadmill, did my warm up, and then started my jog.
Eff it was awful. Absolutely bloody awful. I couldn't make it 10 minutes without stopping. I took a 1 minute break and got back on. Made it maybe another 5 or 6 minutes and took another break. My legs were tired, I was breathing pretty heavily (after 14 yrs of competitive history, breathing is never an issue for me, I can breathe like a champ), but today it was hard. I got back on and made if for the 7-8 minutes I had left, then I stretched, and left the gym in a funk. I was angry. I was sad. Actually, more sad than anything.
I know bad runs happen. They happen all the time, especially for someone building up their endurance. Running isn't second nature to me yet, so some days are gonna be rough. I think also with running at 5.0 the day before, and resistance on Saturday, my body was just tired. It's only been 3 weeks ish (this week is my 4th week back on track), and it will take time for my body to get used to the level of activity I am demanding from it. But it just brought to the surface the frustration at my WI, and the fact that I let myself get to this stage when it could have been prevented. I just felt like everything is so hard this time around. Nothing is easy. So I basically had a pity party in my head on my way home. Got myself into a good funk on the streetcar. Texting the bf was no help. His response? Don't ruin my kebob (I had planned a special dinner for tonight). Gee, thanks babe.
I ended up calling my mom and breaking down on her. It was good to get it out, but I'm still sad. I see my counsellor tomorrow, which is a very very good thing. Two weeks is much too long to go by without seeing someone. There've been a lot of emotional food choices in the past two weeks (most victories, but some oopses as well).
The only positive thing that came from this? I didn't binge. I didn't walk into Sobey's and buy junk. I came home and had an apple with natural PB (which was already tracked as one of my snacks for today). Then I had an orange. The orange was emotional eating. It wasn't planned for. So on one head, emotional eating is emotional eating, but on the other hand, it was a frickin orange. I'll take that over a bag of kettle chips any day.
Tomorrow is a new day (ever feel like Scarlett O'Hara when you say that??) and I will have my early morning session with my trainer and I will feel good about myself and what I'm doing. Because positive thinking is in my control, even when a lot of things are not.
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