Saturday and Sunday

Here I am, all alone, my Moroccan safely in Morocco. I suck at being alone. I don't know where it stems from. I know when I was in high school I actually preferred to be alone...I skipped school to avoid my friend circle and their petty ass problems (I couldn't wait for university). That's not to say I was a loner, but I had "moods". I've always wondered if I had depression. Maybe something minor, not debilitating because I can swing pretty easily into sadness and melancholia for no particular reason.

Anyway, getting off track...once I hit probably middle to alte university being alone wasn't so good for me anymore. Once my dad passed, I couldn't handle it at all. I sometimes have nightmares when I have to sleep alone, and if I can't keep busy or hang out with my friends, I start thinking way too much and enter melancholia again. So I have my work cut out for me in the next three weeks.

I let myself wallow a bit yesterday. I had 4 slices of chicken bruschetta pizza from Pizza Pizza (tracked it all...21 points worth of pizza) and a cookie which I also tracked. I also had a hot chocolate that turned out to be 6 pp...SIX!! I only drank half. I cleaned my apt., and managed to watch a movie without snacking.

I also went to sleep with my 26 year old wrinkles dog stuffed animal (anyone remember those?? puppet/stuffed animal? got mine when I was 3 :) ), but at least I wasn't snacking, lol.

So that was my Saturday. It could have been a lot worse. On my drive back from the airport it took an hour and a half to get home...a trip that normally takes 30 mintes. Effing construction. So add extreme frustration and sadness together and my night could have been a lot worse. I really had to fight it though. I could feel it. I basically had to run past the Sobey's entrance when I was parking the car, inner monologue the whole way to keep me from buying junk food. All the old demons were there whispering in my ear..."it's just one night..." "you can get it all back tomorrow..." "you've been working hard..." And above all of that I just kept thinking of that feeling I had all last week and at my WI on Friday. That kept me walking past Sobeys. Because I had Indian food and pizza I knew that it would be a fight to show a loss this coming Friday. I don't have a lot to lose on my body frame, so splurges really show up if I'm not careful. Did I have extra stuff from what was already in my apt? Yes, but I didn't bring anything new in, and that's a major victory.

This morning I woke up, had my planned breakfast (2 eggs, piece of rye toast, coffee with 1 tbls creamer), continued to clean my apt (I hate laundry and floors and left them to today, lol), watched some tv, and then put this workout together:

This is a stair circuit I put together based on the original one I saw at Tone It Up. Since I live in a condo, I have a perfect space to do stairs, and they're amazing for the legs and butt (my problem areas!) I did 5 flights of two sets of stairs...I hope that makes sense. Math and anything related to math is not my strong suit. So 5 floors, and each floor has two sets of 6 stairs...anyway, it's tough. Then in between each stair interval I do a toning move. The last couple times I did this type of workout I did a mixture of upper and lower body, but today I did all booty. In total I think it took me 25 minutes and I was sweating and panting by the end of it. I am not a fan of steady state cardio, so this is a great way to get your heart rate up and get your toning in as well. Better fat burning capabilities.

So what's left for my day? Lunch, shower, grocery shopping, dinner, early to bed cause Monday's an early work day.

Tomorrow I'm going to a WW meeting...not my meeting, I'm not going to WI, but I don't have time to stay for my entire meeting on Fridays because I have to be at work at 10, and it seems to go past 9:30, so tomorrow evening I'll hit a meeting to get the full topic and stay for the powerstart session afterwards. Then I can be more relaxed on Friday.

Hopefully, if I can stay busy enough, I won't have time to be sad :)

Have a great Sunday!

Fitness challenges

I am feeling down right now. I got up this morning and put on my workout gear (lil bit tighter btw), and set up to do the 30DS. 30 seconds into it (literally like 30 seconds), my bf is like, I can't work like this (he's does freelance and has a few big projects in the works). It wasn't even up high. He's like, can't you use a headset or something? Uh, no...how does one work out tethered to the bloody tv? So I said, can't you use your headset? He has a wireless headset so he can listen to his music and not annoy me. I'm like, it's 30 minutes, you can't handle it for 30 minutes? Stony silence is all I got. I asked him about his headset, nothing. Then he's like, whatever, fine, just work. Which is code for, do it but I'm not going to be happy about it and I'll freeze you out for the next few hours.

So I turned it off. And he's like, I said do it! Just work! I'm like, no, you obviously can't handle 30 minutes of inconvenience so it's obvious you don't want me to do this. And he was like "ya right". I can't mimic the sound he made, but it was the incredulous sound...like, sure, blame me for not working out, cause you always find an excuse. It's so unfair. Getting back into fitness is hard! And he throws up an obstacle in my way, and then acts as if I am the one getting in the way of me working out? He can't handle 30 effing minutes of a workout DVD? When I handled 3 months of his family yelling (their form of talking) when I was trying to sleep?

So I'm disheartened. It was just such a selfish move. One of those moves that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. One of those moves that shatters my confidence and makes me not want to do anything. I was already self-conscious about working out in front of him anyway.

I have another workout that doesn't require a DVD. But I'm feeling so self-conscious now that I don't even want to do that. 

Why today when I was just getting back into it? Why on this lovely holiday long weekend? Ugh there are a lot of whys and a lot of pity parties I could be holding for myself right now. I just need to buck up and do my other workout. If I don't, then he wins and I lose, because I'm the only one who suffers when I don't do the things I said I would.

Just wanted to get it out there.