I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?

I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.

I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.

I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.

I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.

Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.

I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.

I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.

So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.

This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.

Updates 'R Us

This has been a rough rough week. In a follow up to my previous post, I lost again, this time at the tail end of my TOM. Down 4.4 through my TOM. Not too shabby. So down another 2lb this week. That officially put me back in the 140s! 149.8, but whatever :) That was my Christmas goal to myself. To lose basically 13lbs before Christmas. I have 0.8 to hit the actual 13, but I am stoked nonetheless.

So weight loss good. I didn't use any WPs over the week (considering I had used basically all of them at Red Lobster last weekend, this was a good thing). I only got about half of spin class....my regular instructor was away and there was a sub. Oh god was she awful. I was bored in spin class. That's not normal. The songs were slow and boring, and so was the instructor. I don't waste time doing things I don't enjoy, especially since I knew I had marking etc. to do, so I left. Then I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday.

Why may you ask? Well...it could have something to do with the fact that bf and I put an offer on a bigger condo in our same building. It was accepted and we entered into the hell of negotiations and getting financing.

Now here's the situation....we could have gotten it. Realistically, between what we both make in our salaries and contract/freelance work, we would have been approved to carry both the mortgage of our current place (we wanted to rent it out, not sell), and the mortgage of the new place. That's about 600K...but we would have been approved. However, and this is our mistake...I take full responsibility for what happened. After the offer was accepted, we had 24 hours to come up with the $18,000 down payment. This was not going to be a problem since my bf had about 25K in his bank account from freelance work. The plan was for him to pay for the deposit, closing fees etc., and I would pay him back monthly. However, when we started looking at it, a) his money is in USD because most of his clients are American, and therefore with the exchange rate right now he would lose a lot of $$ if he were to convert it right now, and b) when it came right down to it, I couldn't afford the increased mortgage on top of paying him a loan fee. It would put my personal debt ratio up crazy high.

So on Friday morning (after my WI, which I think was helped by the like 1/4 of my dinner I was able to stomach the night before), I called the realtor and told him that we couldn't put together the deposit. He started freaking out, and got me freaking out because when you accept an offer to purchase a property, that's a legally binding document. We were contractually obligated, at that point, to purchase the property. This went on for a couple hours (and being told that the sellers could take us to court if they wanted to)...finally, I called my mortgage broker and told him to strip our incomes...take out the contract/freelance work. Would we still qualify? No? Problem solved. Got him to talk to the realtor and this whole mess was over. Property purchases are usually conditional on financing...It was such a hellish day. I can only imagine what the sellers felt like. I never in a million years wanted to cause that hardship to them. We truly, 100% wanted that condo. It was wonderfully upgraded, 2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms, parking, locker, quiet etc., good price (which in downtown Toronto is saying something). I truly feel bad for accepting something and then going back on it less than 24 hours away. I know how stressful it must be to be selling in this market. But when we looked at the brass tacks of it all, it just isn't doable at this time. We were too hasty. We're outgrowing our current place, and that frustration has led us to jump ahead of ourselves.

I had a stress ear/headache all day yesterday and just felt sick to my stomach. Apparently the realtor also called bf and was almost threatening like...I kinda had to laugh at that...you try to take the hard line with the Moroccan and he'll go in the opposite direction just to spite you. He could 100% agree with you, but if you try to pressure him, he'll go the opposite way just cause.

So it's not been a good time lately. But did I go to food? Nope. I was tempted at Starbucks yesterday morning eyeing those chocolate caramel muffins they have. It was one of the few times I actually consciously said "no, this isn't going to solve your problems," and left with my 2 pp skinny peppermint mocha.

I did indulge in a grilled cheese and clam chowder for lunch today, but I'd been thinking about it for awhile, so I'm ok with it.

Now I'm Christmas baking (I give cookie packages to co-workers) and watching the BLTs!

Here's hoping next week is better!

Saturday and Sunday

Here I am, all alone, my Moroccan safely in Morocco. I suck at being alone. I don't know where it stems from. I know when I was in high school I actually preferred to be alone...I skipped school to avoid my friend circle and their petty ass problems (I couldn't wait for university). That's not to say I was a loner, but I had "moods". I've always wondered if I had depression. Maybe something minor, not debilitating because I can swing pretty easily into sadness and melancholia for no particular reason.

Anyway, getting off track...once I hit probably middle to alte university being alone wasn't so good for me anymore. Once my dad passed, I couldn't handle it at all. I sometimes have nightmares when I have to sleep alone, and if I can't keep busy or hang out with my friends, I start thinking way too much and enter melancholia again. So I have my work cut out for me in the next three weeks.

I let myself wallow a bit yesterday. I had 4 slices of chicken bruschetta pizza from Pizza Pizza (tracked it all...21 points worth of pizza) and a cookie which I also tracked. I also had a hot chocolate that turned out to be 6 pp...SIX!! I only drank half. I cleaned my apt., and managed to watch a movie without snacking.

I also went to sleep with my 26 year old wrinkles dog stuffed animal (anyone remember those?? puppet/stuffed animal? got mine when I was 3 :) ), but at least I wasn't snacking, lol.

So that was my Saturday. It could have been a lot worse. On my drive back from the airport it took an hour and a half to get home...a trip that normally takes 30 mintes. Effing construction. So add extreme frustration and sadness together and my night could have been a lot worse. I really had to fight it though. I could feel it. I basically had to run past the Sobey's entrance when I was parking the car, inner monologue the whole way to keep me from buying junk food. All the old demons were there whispering in my ear..."it's just one night..." "you can get it all back tomorrow..." "you've been working hard..." And above all of that I just kept thinking of that feeling I had all last week and at my WI on Friday. That kept me walking past Sobeys. Because I had Indian food and pizza I knew that it would be a fight to show a loss this coming Friday. I don't have a lot to lose on my body frame, so splurges really show up if I'm not careful. Did I have extra stuff from what was already in my apt? Yes, but I didn't bring anything new in, and that's a major victory.

This morning I woke up, had my planned breakfast (2 eggs, piece of rye toast, coffee with 1 tbls creamer), continued to clean my apt (I hate laundry and floors and left them to today, lol), watched some tv, and then put this workout together:

This is a stair circuit I put together based on the original one I saw at Tone It Up. Since I live in a condo, I have a perfect space to do stairs, and they're amazing for the legs and butt (my problem areas!) I did 5 flights of two sets of stairs...I hope that makes sense. Math and anything related to math is not my strong suit. So 5 floors, and each floor has two sets of 6 stairs...anyway, it's tough. Then in between each stair interval I do a toning move. The last couple times I did this type of workout I did a mixture of upper and lower body, but today I did all booty. In total I think it took me 25 minutes and I was sweating and panting by the end of it. I am not a fan of steady state cardio, so this is a great way to get your heart rate up and get your toning in as well. Better fat burning capabilities.

So what's left for my day? Lunch, shower, grocery shopping, dinner, early to bed cause Monday's an early work day.

Tomorrow I'm going to a WW meeting...not my meeting, I'm not going to WI, but I don't have time to stay for my entire meeting on Fridays because I have to be at work at 10, and it seems to go past 9:30, so tomorrow evening I'll hit a meeting to get the full topic and stay for the powerstart session afterwards. Then I can be more relaxed on Friday.

Hopefully, if I can stay busy enough, I won't have time to be sad :)

Have a great Sunday!