I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?

I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.

I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.

I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.

I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.

Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.

I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.

I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.

So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.

This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.

Addicted to sugar

I know the dangers of sugar and high fat foods. The more you eat, the more you crave. I have been on a major sugar crave lately. It's even gotten to the point that I am back to being able to stomach the sweetness of a double double from Tims. I had weaned myself off of those. I would 1 tsp of honey in my coffee instead (or less), or 1 sugar and I was ok with it. Then I noticed the more sugar I started having again and the double double isn't overly sweet to me anymore. Dangerous. Very dangerous.

Added to that is that I love to bake. My bf has the buddha belly to attest to that, lol. And no, I don't focus on things like you'd see on skinnytaste.com. Think more Paula Deen. Sugar. Oil. White flour. I shudder inwardly just thinking about it. My in-laws are still here and I find myself making tasty, sugar and fat laden treats because it makes me happy when people enjoy my food. Then I eat them. It'll be easier when they leave, but I should really get a handle on it now.

I need to get myself back off of the processed sugar. It makes me crash, and it makes me jiggly, which in turn makes me unhappy.

I've done it before and I was ok. It wasn't that bad. I picked up some fresh fruit and greek yogurt for snacks. That's the only source of sweetness I need.

Time to prepare dinner. Not sure what yet. I thought the inlaws would be here so we'd have tagine or something. Turns out they went to the brother's house for the next couple days, so I'll do something else :) While it's simmering or whatever, I'll get in a quick JM workout. It's nice to have the house to yourself once in a while :)