Going into the holidays

I am not fearful. I am not afraid of December. That's a first. I was TERRIFIED last December. Mainly because the WW meeting I was attending was being cancelled like 2 weeks before Christmas and then I couldn't find another meeting/time that fit and then I just went all balls crazy on the food and gained like 10lbs.

I would like to say that November-December are incredibly hard on me. I'm sure it's hard on many many people, but this time of year I'm afraid I'm a bit selfish in terms of what I feel. My dad passed on Christmas day 5 years ago this year. I start blanking out and going through cycles of depression/sadness right around November. I have a counselling appt. booked tomorrow because last week I couldn't move. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was lethargic and feeling like I had a weight sitting on my chest, holding me down. My arms felt heavy and it was a huge challenge to go about my day and not just spend it crying curled up in my bed with my puppy. I will go through bouts of this until we move into January (and then periodically throughout the year, but not as bad). I have never seen anyone before for this, and I think I am beyond due for it.

Alas, not all is gloom and doom. I have three weeks until the Moroccan and I go on a cruise to the Bahamas!! 7 nights out of NYC. This will be my first year not being with my mom, so I needed a vacation to take my mind off of it. Until we get back and then he's jetting off to Dubai for a week, leaving me alone for New Years and my birthday. I'd better get something pretty out of it.

We got our Christmas tree yesterday so now my energy is spent trying to keep my dog from jumping up for all the ornaments. I tried to put a barricade around it this morning and we shall see if that works. So I am putting myself into the Christmas spirit and will start my baking soon.

My crossfit and food are going well. I'm so glad I found such a supportive crossfit gym. The people I normally train with are amazing. It's very rewarding to finally find something fitness related that I actually like.

So my plan for December is to be normal. To not have a plan really. I will workout, I will track and portion my food, and I will be conscious of what I'm doing. There is no reason to be afraid of this month.

:)

Scared?

I think I've been scared to write since the last post. It was in April, which is insane. What have I been doing since then? I moved, which was so incredibly stressful. I may live in this townhouse till I keel over just to keep from not moving again. I don't think anyone truly realises how alone I am, despite being with the Moroccan. I do everything, and I mean everything. So, when we moved, I organised absolutely everything. I packed everything. I cleaned everything. I found tenants for our condo. I organised the moving company and the rental car. And after we moved, I unpacked everything in the span of about 2 days because I was going back home to BC for vacation. I was exhausted. I went to BC and didn't think about ON until I was forced to get back on that plane. With my being away the Moroccan decided that that was the time to discuss relationship issues, so I had a lot of tense, late night calls that accomplished absolutely nothing because, what can you do with 3000 miles between you? When I got back, we actually articulated the issues again and both set to working on them, but we're a long way off from bridging the gaps.

So, that was my summer. I barely even recognised it. It's now fall, quickly moving to winter, and I'm in a slightly better head space, but not by much. I joined crossfit, which I love. Absolutely love. Though it royally sucks 99.9% of the time, (and 100% of the time any time the damn WOD includes running, ugh) I still love it. I can't do much. My max deadlift is 145 lbs compared to some girls' 250, but whateves. I'm getting stronger. I should have tried crossfit a long time ago. Someone told me I wasn't ready. But I believe that was monetarily fueled as she was my PT at the time, and if I joined crossfit, I wouldn't be able to afford personal training. It's insanely scary, but I do what I can, and I work hard doing what I can. I can't do pull ups...I get a "baby" bar and have it as high as my arms can reach, and then I do jumping pull ups. I can only do wallballs with a 10 lb medicine ball, and when the WODs include running, I am always, always, always last. But who the fuck cares? I finish them, and I am so proud of myself. My arms are becoming defined. My waist is smaller, and I can feel new muscles in my butt and legs. My one caveat is my back. My stupid, stupid back and it's stupid stupid problems. I have to be so incredibly careful with my deadlifts and kettlebell swings because I am throwing it out of wack on a fairly regular basis. Even when I'm careful. I'm now having to plan in a core strengthening day into my week, so I can get it sorted out. I need to do some insane stretching and core strength work otherwise, what the hell am I going to do when I'm like 60? Or older? Or what if (dear lord, not now please) I get pregnant? That is absolutely murder on your back...I would be in near constant pain and who wants that?

Thank god for massages and benefits that cover them. I'm also thinking of getting one of those weight lifting belts to stabilise my core while I'm getting stronger. I need something to keep my back safe while I am starting out.

As for food, well, that hasn't really changed for me. Except for one thing. I am working out so hard, that it's absolutely just pissing me off that I am ruining it with my nutrition. I have bought books on clean eating, paleo, and even the zone, to educate myself further. I can't afford WW, and while I'm down for tracking my food, I don't want to count it anymore. I am sick of counting calories. I just want to eat, and know that I'm doing it right because of what it is, and what it isn't. I am not saying I'm going to 100% follow paleo or something like that, but I think I am just going to experiment to find out what balance works for me. I don't 100% believe in paleo, because of the zero grain thing, and I'm pretty sure our ancient ancestors ate some form of grain, just not as we know them right now.

I also want my bf to be healthy. He's gotten so chubby lately because of his work schedule, and it's all belly fat, which in the land of body fat is pretty bad. I need him to not keel over from a heart attack at the age of 31, so getting us both back on track is pretty motivating.

I don't offer any promises, or gestures here. I needed to vent, so I did, because I'm feeling sore and cranky, and the abovementioned bf has been on the phone with clients for the last 3 hours and I'm just feeling melancholy.

I have spin tomorrow, and crossfit on wed and fri. Maybe I'll try and find a bodyflow class happening Thursday. Something to take the pressure off.

Have a good week.

Well....

I'm not so much the "girl on the edge of a cliff about to step over" as I was in my last post. I still haven't figured stuff out, but at least I'm making an effort versus the burying of my head in the sand that I have been doing.

So what's been going on in the past month and a half?

1) I went back to spin and I loved it. It was the same instructor from before and she even remembered me :) I've pretty much decided that she needs to be the RPM instructor until the day I die...that's the only way I'm going to be able to cope, lol. The reason why I fell off the bike so-to-speak is because of my intro to creative suite class I was taking in my effort to get my graphic design certificate from my college...it was on Tuesdays, which was spin day. I tried going to other locations, but it really wasn't the same. I'm such a sucker for routine.

2) I've decided to try the Jillian Michaels bodyshred at Goodlife. It's at 7:15 am on Thursdays. I think it's similar to the 30 Day Shred. I get too busy in the evenings, so I'm going to try and get something done in the morning. 2 days of good exercise and then I have the option of putting in a day of my own. This week will be my first crack at it.

3) We bought a townhouse! Ya, I realise this probably should have been first, but I was pretty stoked about spin ;) I currently reside in a 1 bedroom box of a condo downtown Toronto. I love my building, and I love my area, and actually, I am pretty fond of my apartment. But we've outgrown it. We have no storage and my Moroccan works like 14 hours a day, and his office is also part of our dining/living/kitchen area (if you live in a downtown area, I'm sure you'd come to loathe the term "open concept" just as much as I do!) He's regularly up until 2 or 3 am working, and it's loud and bright, and with the bedroom opening onto this amazing open concept space, I have trouble sleeping. He needs his own space. So we bought a 2 storey, 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, townhouse a little outside downtown (about a 15-20 minute streetcar ride). We're just south of High Park, and right next to the Lakeshore boardwalk. It's a fantastic area, and I'm looking forward to getting more space. We move June 25. Very exciting, but very stressful.

4) I signed up for fresh produce delivery from Mama Earth Organics. I've been interested in CSA for awhile, but wondered if it would really work. This Wednesday is my first delivery, and for $40 I'm getting apples, oranges, bananas, asparagus, broccoli, spinach, tomatoes, and half a pound of organic coffee (that one I added, it wasn't part of the basket). The produce basket was $25, and the coffee was $10, so pretty decent. My grocery bill was down $40, so it's not like I'm really saving money, but I think I am more guaranteeing local, organic, freshness, which I can't guarantee at my grocery store.

So that's my run-down. Still surviving :) I did have to cancel my WW membership though. With budgeting for the new house (where my housing costs are going to double what I pay now), I had to cut something somewhere. I really like WW and I have had great success on it. But I also wonder about my disordered way of thinking and whether all this pressure on points etc. is messing with my head. I'm not really good at intuitive eating, or clean eating. But, then I think, if I can be disciplined enough to live on "points", shouldn't I be disciplined enough to eat clean? It doesn't make sense that I can do one and not the other. I will likely still track with MFP, but I am not really looking at numbers. I know I need to eat clean for the majority of my meals in order to be healthy, but I am not going to count calories. I need to get away from that thinking, and be more conscious of my health versus numbers.

Early day tomorrow...gotta have everything ready :)

I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?

I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.

I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.

I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.

I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.

Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.

I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.

I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.

So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.

This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.

Food hangover

I think I have finally come to the somewhat unfortunate (depends on one's perspective here) realisation that never mind sugar etc. is bad for me, but I cannot put it in my body anymore. My body is maxed out. Yesterday was a horrible day. I ate nothing but cookies, and then some leftover Chinese food later in the day. Seriously...nothing but cookies from 7:30 am until 6:00 pm. And while it actually wasn't a lot of cookies (about 6 or 7 I believe), but not eating anything in a day other than sugar and then topping that with greasy Chinese? Lord I was hurting. Truthfully, even by lunchtime yesterday I was feeling sick (this was about 3 cookies in btw), and I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat the nice healthy quiche I had brought (it had spinach AND kale in it! There were major brownie points in that quiche! Homemade too...so not even processed...sigh). My head was killing me and I could barely keep my eyes open they hurt so much. I was getting chills even though my office was perfectly warm. I felt no other symptoms, so I can't attribute it to the flu or anything, but boy did I not feel well. I even told my manager as a head's up, like hey, don't know what's going on, but I'm not feeling well and worst case scenario I won't be here tomorrow.

When I got home I had dinner and I thought I would feel better, but obviously it matters what you eat cause eating leftover Chinese didn't help matters.

I went to bed at 9:00 pm and I was sweating, even though with it being -20 outside right now, it's not like my home is super duper warm.

And today? Well I did call in sick because I just felt so run down and achy. And the cravings? Holy crap the cravings. I want sugar. I crave sugar. I cannot think about anything but sugar. I can't think about anything but food period. Never mind being annoying, it's frickin scary. I will not let this happen again. I will not go back to the 160s and feel tight and chubby and gross.

It's just an eye-opener to me just how bad that food made me feel. I haven't had that reaction before. Bad food is bad for you, yes I know...but I've never had that physical reaction to it before (well except the whole ear ache thing when I eat McDonalds).

My body is literally crying out for healthy non-processed food. I have to take this as a sign and move forward and leave the junk behind. I just can't do it anymore. I had made that choice relatively easily back in Sept-Dec. Time to do it again. I don't want this feeling to come back. I'd much rather have that feeling of satisfaction that I am doing well for myself and moving in the direction I want.

Rough lesson, but hopefully lesson learned.

Clean up time

Half way through January, time to get the routine going again. No more Christmas, New Year's, birthday. No excuses. What I do have is a new routine. I am taking a graphic design class every Tuesday from now until the middle of April, my new puppy is coming Feb. 8, and I teach every Saturday from now until the end of April. Oh, and I have a new meeting time and place.

That's a lot of new stuff for a self-proclaimed hater of change (others have proclaimed this as well to be honest). So I've been struggling a little bit.

So I am using this coming week to put my routine (or a routine period) into place.

For exercise I have spin class on Wednesdays. I want Mondays to be one of my booty days (hehe), because I'm home from work at 4:00 that day, and then I think Thursdays and Sundays will round out my week. I was noticing a lot of change with my body just before Christmas. Time to get that going again.

There's also a "clean up your diet" challenge I read about in the blogosphere, so I'm going to take that on. That's eliminating all processed sugars/foods from your diet from now until Feb. 14. Clean eating is the key to success. I noticed this prior to the holidays that I wasn't really eating too differently except I was really focusing on getting the good food into me instead of the convenience foods. The exception are my lattes. If I get the sugar free syrups do they still count?? Not sure. It's still putting something into my body that's not good for me. On the fence about artificial sweeteners.

So I am taking on this clean up challenge. I am also back to tracking (faithfully, even if it's not good news).

Time to feel the fire! Or rather, the burn in muscles not used in several weeks, lol.

Update!

Some good news and some bad news.

The good? Down 1.2....wooooo, strong pull in a very good direction.

The bad? They are closing my meeting location. It was perfect...on the way to work, at 9 am, able to stay for the whole meeting before I have to be at work, and able to weigh in on an empty stomach (which is my own personal ritual).

I found out last week, but kinda thought a Christmas miracle or something would happen and the closure wouldn't happen. No such luck. It really bummed me out. I don't understand their mentality for doing it right now. For a company that supposedly cares about the people, I find it really difficult to understand why they would take something away from people who need it so much right at the time of year when we're likely at our most vulnerable. Let's cause emotion for those who emotionally eat. Doesn't sit right with me. They could have waited until the holidays are over. It's really really bad timing.

This has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps the first real challenge of my current WW initiative. I am attached to that meeting. To the people and the leader. To lose that is extremely difficult. It will take everything I have to get through it.

Today after my meeting was a prime example of how this change could affect me if I let it. I had already decided to have pizza for lunch. But I was going to have a slice. 10 maybe 13 pp with a coke zero and I will have splurged but not gone overboard. Instead, after my meeting, the thought of having a small pizza versus a slice came into my head and never really left. So for lunch I had a small pizza with garlic dip and coke zero. And not just 2 or 3 slices of that pizza. The entire damn thing. Now, it was a small pizza...quite small actually (for the $10 I paid for it...but beside the point)...so umm, 6 small slices I think? Likely 4 slices of a regular medium pizza.

Then for dinner, I get Chinese food. Chicken fried rice and stir fried shrimp. Then Christmas cookies.

This was not my plan. I am having Jack Astors tomorrow night for a date with the bf. I had every intention of having my slice of pizza and then reasonable dinner because I knew I was having a huge dinner tomorrow.

But what's important is what I take away from this and how I handle it. Christmas is going to be insane. But for the first year I don't want to say "eff it, it's only once a year." I don't want to slip back. I am 2.6 away from getting my 10%. That's 16 lbs. That puts me over halfway to my goal. I am in the 140s now and it feels great. I don't want to lose that. But what I do from this point forward is going to dictate whether I lose that or not. I can say here that I don't want to lose that feeling or my progress, but actions speak louder than words. Without the action to back it up, the words mean nothing.

My plan for this week is:

1) Regular work out routine on Sunday
2) Work out on Monday...I get off work at 3:30. Why do I have so much difficulty working out on a day when I get off so early?? It's weird.
3) Tuesday is spin...always great
4) Wednesday - Jillian Michaels something or other
5) Thursday I pick my mom up from the airport, but I am also going to try and get to the 9:30 am meeting one subway stop from my school. I won't be able to stay for the meeting, but since weigh in happens 30 minutes before, I'll still get that. Then that evening I'll go to the same location to actually attend the meeting.

And through all of this I will keep up with my good eating habits that I've been developing (and doing pretty darn good at if I do say so myself).

Let's see if I can tackle this head on so it doesn't bury me.

Have a great weekend.

Christmas plans?

Who has a plan to lose? What about maintain? What about saying to hell with it and letting the chips (oooh and dip!) fall where they may? This is a dangerous dangerous time of year. I don't have a specific plan of action as of yet. I have a basic outline, but nothing concrete. First, let me tally up the food events for me this season:

1) dinner with a good girlfriend of mine to do present swap for both of our respective birthdays plus Christmas

2) My mom gets into town next week: 1 Indian buffet; 1 movie outing; 1 birthday dinner (my mom's)  - this all within about 2-3 days

3) Christmas Eve - traditionally an appetizer evening with all the good (read: bad) foods I don't eat throughout the rest of the year

4) Christmas Day - need I say more?

5) Mandarin Buffet (my birthday, my choice)

6) Birthday #2 - party thrown by a friend of mine.

Holy cow.

My plan this holiday season, honestly, is just to maintain. Because it looks like food is kinda out of control, my action plan is to be as active as possible. I've already checked out the spin classes that will be running during that holiday week, plus with the gym in my building it's not that hard to get to.

I am also going to enjoy myself. I do not eat like this throughout the year, and I have been truly living this plan for over 2 months now. This includes splurge meals. I'm going to treat my days as I normally would and see what happens.

Besides, I have a whole week before the craziness starts in. Let's see what I can accomplish in that time.

WI tomorrow, so I'm excited to see how this week went. Otherwise, time to finish marking for my last IELTS class on Saturday and prepare for my holiday next week!

Updates 'R Us

This has been a rough rough week. In a follow up to my previous post, I lost again, this time at the tail end of my TOM. Down 4.4 through my TOM. Not too shabby. So down another 2lb this week. That officially put me back in the 140s! 149.8, but whatever :) That was my Christmas goal to myself. To lose basically 13lbs before Christmas. I have 0.8 to hit the actual 13, but I am stoked nonetheless.

So weight loss good. I didn't use any WPs over the week (considering I had used basically all of them at Red Lobster last weekend, this was a good thing). I only got about half of spin class....my regular instructor was away and there was a sub. Oh god was she awful. I was bored in spin class. That's not normal. The songs were slow and boring, and so was the instructor. I don't waste time doing things I don't enjoy, especially since I knew I had marking etc. to do, so I left. Then I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday.

Why may you ask? Well...it could have something to do with the fact that bf and I put an offer on a bigger condo in our same building. It was accepted and we entered into the hell of negotiations and getting financing.

Now here's the situation....we could have gotten it. Realistically, between what we both make in our salaries and contract/freelance work, we would have been approved to carry both the mortgage of our current place (we wanted to rent it out, not sell), and the mortgage of the new place. That's about 600K...but we would have been approved. However, and this is our mistake...I take full responsibility for what happened. After the offer was accepted, we had 24 hours to come up with the $18,000 down payment. This was not going to be a problem since my bf had about 25K in his bank account from freelance work. The plan was for him to pay for the deposit, closing fees etc., and I would pay him back monthly. However, when we started looking at it, a) his money is in USD because most of his clients are American, and therefore with the exchange rate right now he would lose a lot of $$ if he were to convert it right now, and b) when it came right down to it, I couldn't afford the increased mortgage on top of paying him a loan fee. It would put my personal debt ratio up crazy high.

So on Friday morning (after my WI, which I think was helped by the like 1/4 of my dinner I was able to stomach the night before), I called the realtor and told him that we couldn't put together the deposit. He started freaking out, and got me freaking out because when you accept an offer to purchase a property, that's a legally binding document. We were contractually obligated, at that point, to purchase the property. This went on for a couple hours (and being told that the sellers could take us to court if they wanted to)...finally, I called my mortgage broker and told him to strip our incomes...take out the contract/freelance work. Would we still qualify? No? Problem solved. Got him to talk to the realtor and this whole mess was over. Property purchases are usually conditional on financing...It was such a hellish day. I can only imagine what the sellers felt like. I never in a million years wanted to cause that hardship to them. We truly, 100% wanted that condo. It was wonderfully upgraded, 2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms, parking, locker, quiet etc., good price (which in downtown Toronto is saying something). I truly feel bad for accepting something and then going back on it less than 24 hours away. I know how stressful it must be to be selling in this market. But when we looked at the brass tacks of it all, it just isn't doable at this time. We were too hasty. We're outgrowing our current place, and that frustration has led us to jump ahead of ourselves.

I had a stress ear/headache all day yesterday and just felt sick to my stomach. Apparently the realtor also called bf and was almost threatening like...I kinda had to laugh at that...you try to take the hard line with the Moroccan and he'll go in the opposite direction just to spite you. He could 100% agree with you, but if you try to pressure him, he'll go the opposite way just cause.

So it's not been a good time lately. But did I go to food? Nope. I was tempted at Starbucks yesterday morning eyeing those chocolate caramel muffins they have. It was one of the few times I actually consciously said "no, this isn't going to solve your problems," and left with my 2 pp skinny peppermint mocha.

I did indulge in a grilled cheese and clam chowder for lunch today, but I'd been thinking about it for awhile, so I'm ok with it.

Now I'm Christmas baking (I give cookie packages to co-workers) and watching the BLTs!

Here's hoping next week is better!

Myth of the TOM?

Ok girls, this one's for you. This post is not for guys. Reader beware and all that. So, every girl knows about TOM a.k.a. "Time of the Month". The dreaded week where all hell breaks loose in our bodies and those around us take cover and hide. It has been notorious for screwing up one's weight loss efforts due to bloating and water retention. We gain on a weekly weigh in, and all of a sudden it's "oh, it's TOM", or "oh, it's close to TOM, so I understand it". But is this in fact a valid reason for gaining? Is it impossible to have a loss during TOM?

It's not like I have scientific proof or anything, so hold back on the torches and pitchforks here, but I honestly think that the TOM phenomenon is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We give ourselves more liberties because of it. We "crave" bad food. We feel gross so we don't work out. Well, then is it really TOM's fault that we gain? No. I think that by leaning on that excuse we're giving ourselves a cushion if we gain. Rather than look at the true bottom line, we drag out the scapegoat TOM as proof of our lack of success that particular week. Not the poutine one ate, but rather TOM.

However, in my most current resurrection of WW fidelity, I have had losses on both TOMs I've had. Why? Well, likely because just like the week before that, and the week before that, I worked out, ate right, and drank a ton of water. Was it a huge loss? Not sure. Well, this week, I had just started and I lost 2.4 lbs. That's pretty good. I think the other time it was like 0.6 or 0.8 or something. Not huge, but still a loss.

Sure, our bodies do weird and wonderful things...so I'm not saying that TOM doesn't have an effect, and maybe during that time because of the hormones and crap, we are more likely to STS or gain, but blaming TOM after one spends a week lounging on the couch eating high carb, high sodium food (the typical "craving" foods) then one can't blame TOM. If you still eat right (for reals here), and keep to your activity, and drink A TON of water and you still gain? Well, then maybe TOM is the culprit. But don't give in to eating crap and not working out and then blame TOM. That's not fair to you or your body (or your mind for that matter, cause then you're not being truthful to yourself).

This has been posted lately by another WW'er (or similar anyway) about being On Plan and Off Plan...she argued that there's no such thing. You make decisions. Good and bad. If you make a bad decision then acknowledge it and move on. Don't pull the "woe is me" mentality. That's not helping anyone, least of all yourself. It's the same thing with TOM. Be realistic with yourself and don't rest on justifications of poor choices during a rough time of month.

/rant :) Some things to think about. Like my decisions today...cheese pizza for dinner. 2 slices for 10 pp...plus 2 pieces of garlic bread. Tracked and moving forward :)

Life

It happens :) That explains my last week. Monday with no exercise turned into 4 days of no exercise (except for Thursday). That and multiple high caloric meals caused a 1.2lb gain. So even staying within points I gained, but that's what happens when you make the decision to have pizza twice in one day.

This week I am back on point. Spin on Tuesday, 30 Day Shred level 2 yesterday, with level 1 today. Planned out meals, all within points. My energy is back and I feel smaller.

Even had a major NSV today. One of my co-workers is going on mat leave as of tomorrow and today she brought in a tray of brownies and red velvet cupcakes. The brownies were the blondie variety....my favourite. I took one. Then I put it in one of my tupperware containers from my breakfast, put it in my bag, and promptly forgot about it. I'll have it tomorrow after my WI and track it accordingly.

I am also down 0.5 inches on my hips, though my thighs and waist remain the same. But if my ass is getting smaller that's friggin amazing.

Let's see what happens tomorrow :)

Weekly Goals

Ok, so I know that Monday is almost over, but I wanted to put out some weekly goals, and somehow I never got around to it on Sunday. This is from a post that someone on the WW boards posted last week, and it stuck with me.

One of my goals last week was to work out 4-5 days last week. I hit 4. I can normally get in 3-4 days Monday-Thursday, but the reason for 4-5 was because I never seem to workout on the weekends and I wanted to push myself to get something done on Saturday or Sunday.

So this week, this is what I want to do:

1) Again, get in 4-5 workouts

• Tonight (if my teeth stop hurting, bloody dentist - if not tonight, then tomorrow morning) - Cardio
• Tuesday - Resistance #5 from 10 lb Shred (could be moved to Sat/Sun)
• Wednesday spin class
• Thursday - Cardio
• Sat/Sun - Resistance #6

2) Eat clean because I have two big meals on Friday and Saturday
3) Drink water at home as well as at work

Things are going really well with WW, but I want to help the plan along as best I can. I used up almost all of my WPs this past weekend, so I don't have a whole lot of wiggle room. But this time around I am actually tracking my WPs, so that's great. In my last kicks at this I didn't really track weekends at all, but now I am much more conscious of what I am doing on the weekends, and I think that's a job done well on my part, and reason why I am doing well at the scale.

My teeth really hurt :( I am pretty much in a blanky/sucky kinda mood. I'd rather kick back with some tea under my duvet with a movie. Looks like I'm getting a cardio morning tomorrow :)

Happy Monday all!

WI

Hit my 5%!! For the like 10th time, but whatever, it feels new :) Not only did I hit it, I exceeded it by 1 lb, for a total loss of 1.4 for this week. I think I have finally found the fitness-food balance. I may not be  hitting the gym 5 days a week, but the times I do exercise it's pretty intense (ahem, spin class I'm looking at you!) I also track my weekends, and during the week I find it pretty easy to stay within my daily target. So I am liking how this particular kick at things is going.

I am still trying to get a handle on weekends so I don't go overboard. This has always been my downfall, and I am still learning how to cope with them.

I've got a housewarming tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect in terms of food, so I need to plan my day to make sure there's plenty of room for surprises.

Have a great weekend!

Work craziness and TMI

This has been a heck of a week. Both long and slow at the same time with the amount of work I need to complete in the 7 hours I am in the office. Sometimes it feels like it just won't end, and other times it feels like time is just speeding by. Next week isn't going to be any different. First of all, my 5 month performance evaluation is upon me. This is what determines if I get recommended for permanent status or not. Gulp. I am not expecting anything other than relatively good news, but still, it's stressful. Then on top of that I have one or two meetings pretty much every day on top of a few presentations I am making to various classes, and then my regular work load. I'm tired just thinking about it and CANNOT WAIT for my Christmas break (fully paid, thank you collective agreement). Also, in just over one month my mom will be here!! That and a brief vacation with Christmas thrown in is what's getting me through the next few weeks.

So in terms of how my week has been going for food and fitness, I keep having pretty much Fri-Sun as a write off. I still track it though. That's my major accomplishment from all the other times I've done WW. I used to not track weekends. Now I am, and it does make me a little more accountable. But I kinda just went into a bf is back celebatory overload. Plus, I came home early on Monday and had a larger than normal (point and portion wise) lunch and snacked on saltine crackers, so my sodium levels were through the roof. Aside from that, Tues-present have been good. Well planned out and tracked meals with no overages. I also got in 3 days of exercise this week, though my goal is 4-5 since I want to ensure I get in some weekend exercise since I keep conveniently "forgetting" about it. What my WI is going to show me tomorrow is anyone's guess. I could go either way, or STS. It shall be a mystery until approximately 8:40 tomorrow morning.

Fitness was good. I am getting really hooked on spin class, and my Tommy Europe 10lb Shred workouts are a nice change of pace.

So what is the TMI you may be wondering? (or maybe not, lol)...well yesterday when I was getting dressed in the morning I paid no attention to how what I was wearing could possibly effect me later in the day. With that being said, has anyone ever exercised in a thong? A lace thong for that matter? Not a g-string, cause I honestly think that would have been better...a thong actually has TOO much material in this particular context. Holy hell the chafing! I was about 5 seconds into the first set of high knees when I realised, oh crap...baaaaaaad underwear choice today! And I had three interval sets to get through! And it wasn't just the more vigorous exercises either, crunches killed me...I guess cause there's a lot of movement when you're going up and down in the crunch position? Let me just say that there was some intense tenderness last night and this morning, and that I sure as hell put on my full coverage underwear in preparation for my workout after work today! Lesson learned. Ladies, pull out the granny panties when exercising! You will thank me later ;)

So that's my week so far. Time will tell for the scale. But in most other areas I feel good. Pretty in control and really enjoying seeing and feeling my body take on a new shape.

I'll be back tomorrow with my WI :)

Little bit of that feeling coming back

Last week wasn't so great for me. Some emotional eating, a lot of sadness etc. This week I'm doing really well. Have some of that euphoria feeling from the first two weeks on program coming back. Well, right now I just feel really really tired. But before there was some euphoria :)

Yesterday I did resistance workout #1 from Tommy Europe's 10 lb Shred. I downloaded the Gymboss timer app for my iphone. I really wish that it was more editable. I tried to change the timer but then found out I couldn't just pick up where I left off, so I had to wait for ALL of my intervals to go through to catch up. That was annoying. But I finished. And it was better than nothing. Today my back and abs are feeling it a bit, so that's great. I'm thinking of waking up early tomorrow morning to get in resistance workout #2 because with a full day in Waterloo for work (hiring co-op students), the chances of me being able to work out plus prep for my class on Saturday is next to none. So if I work out tomorrow morning, that leaves tomorrow evening for marking and prep. Oh, the exciting life I lead!

So I am happy with the week and how it's going. I felt so much stronger in spin class today. The instructor like egged me on during one portion because I started to slow down. I'm glad to say that I pushed it out. She also said I was improving. AND...I swear my ass doesn't look as big on those tiny seats as it used to :) Still the biggest person in that room, but if I keep going, it won't always be that way.

I'm a little worried about Thursday because I have to get up super early, which usually means little to no breakfast. But I wonder if I can take my oatmeal in my thermos? Is that possible? Hmmm, something to think about. Then, lunch is something out. My manager already told me not to pack a lunch, because we're going to expense something. The good thing? She's a stick. She eats really well, so that's motivation. But more than that it's just going to be a very long day with potential unexpected food situations with WI on Friday.

Also, I am watching the US election. Holy crap. Come on Obama!!!! I'd be so scared to be a woman in the US if Romney won. Even with our Conservative government I don't have that fear because despite the length of time Harper's been in power, I think he's too afraid of our liberal leaning country to take away women's rights or open up the abortion debate again. I can't believe that the US is willing to take a step backward 50 years. Come on people...the country was in a mess...how can one person undo 8 years of destruction in only 4 years?? But I am not going to get into it, because I will admit that politics are not my forte, Canadian or American. Just hoping for a democratic win down south.

Lastly....my Moroccan comes home on Saturday! Presents and my Moroccan?? Awesome day :) That means I have some primping to do Friday/Saturday, which includes my very first brazilian! God I'm scared. It just sounds so painful! Ugh...the things we do ;)

Let's turn that crap around

3rd on program WW WI...down 1.0 lb!!!!!!!!!! Friggin stoked about that. I am 1.2 lbs away from getting my 5%. I really really want that next week. Because once that's down, the next 5% puts me smack dab in the 140s and holy sh*t that'd be amazing! Cause then it's only  2 x 8lbs away from goal. I was smiling from ear-to-ear at my WI this morning. I worked really hard to get back on track after my Sat-Sun blips. What's ironic is that on Sunday I didn't even go over my daily PP target...I just ate crap and felt like crap. Saturday was just a gong show that I have no desire to repeat.

So let's look back at this week and figure out what I did. I did get in some activity. About 3 days. I say "about" cause I am not sure I should count Monday. On Monday I didn't have as much time as I thought I would after work and the trip to get new light bulbs for my kitchen, so I did probably about 15-20 minutes of lower body toning work. Nothing too crazy. Tuesday I did spin class...wow. Even the instructor was dying...that's saying something. I totally didn't want to go, but I knew what would happen if I didn't. I felt so awesome when I was done (never during...during always sucks, lol).

Wednesday I got called to supply teach so my nicely planned out evening of a healthy quesadilla with level 2 of the 30 day shred went out the window. I had a take out burrito instead for like 11 PP...it wasn't even that good...how can a burrito be bland?? It doesn't seem possible, but there you go. I got home at almost 10 pm. I was not going to work out...after working like a 10 hour day, sorry, nope. But, I did set my alarm early and Thursday I got up at 7 am and Ms. Jillian and I met over level 2 of her shred. Killed me just like last time...good times. I felt so good about that. It set me up for the rest of the day and complemented the healthy choices I had been making throughout the week.

So my week could have been better...I had a lot more initially planned, especially in terms of activity. But what I take away from this week is the decisions I made. This week's meeting topic was about decisions (food decisions, but still)...and so looking back at the decisions I made I am happy with my progress and my 1.0 lb loss. I stuck with my decision to stay OP even though getting called to teach threw a wrench in my plans. I persevered in finding a meeting I could attend on Thursday night because I knew I had to come to work early today and couldn't stay for my meeting, and the one I was going to go to on Wednesday I couldn't because of the teaching. But it was important for me to be in that room with the support and tell people that I ate two dinners on Saturday, and just ground myself in other people's stories. This had me trekking all the way out to Jane/Bloor for godsakes. That's determination, lol.

So what about next week? Well, I have already pointed out my dinner of pizza tonight. That's my last "splurge" before my bf comes home. Sunday might be difficult because I am volunteering at the Royal Winter Agricultural fair, and that's fair food, including a baked apple blossom that is amazing. To combat anything that may happen I need to up my activity. So I am going back to a training book I bought last year by Tommy Europe. It has great resistance and cardio workouts to help do overall body shaping and strengthening. He focuses on high intensity workouts and I know those work for me. That and spin class should keep me going!

Have a fantastic weekend!

Well crap

I've got the blues. This has resulted in not so conscious eating. I had a BIIIIIIIIG dinner out last night. It was amazing, and I am not feeling guilty for it because I made that conscious decision to go out for dinner with my friend and that's that. It was the wings later on that night (after appies, full pasta, and dessert) that I am not proud of. And the three cookies I ate this morning. And the extra helping of leftover chinese this afternoon. This is what I'd consider a binge for me. A little spaced out than perhaps the more typical definition of a binge, but anything that happens this close together for me is considered a binge because it was spontaneous and purely for emotional reasons because I am sad and bored and lonely.

I am trying to overcome it. I am going to grab some water and clean my apt and since it's already 6:30 at night I am so far away from being hungry I think I can stick with some fruit for dinner.

Tomorrow is early work day, so I'm off earlier...I have a grocery trip planned and I have to go to Canadian Tire to get new pot lights for my kitchen, then I will workout and make a healthy dinner. Good plan. Now to put it into action.

WI

This is my second on program WI. Down 0.6. So more than half a pound. Yes, a let down from last week, but I've been in this game long enough to know that big losses are not usually followed by big losses. So right now I am fighting disappointment because down is down right? I don't want to get into the habit of justifying what happens on the scale. What I mean is that if a loss is smaller than I was expecting and I justify it away then it makes it way too easy to justify gains. Is that just my own twisted logic?

So last night I had dinner out with my good friend from university. We went to undergrad and grad school together. We went to Spring Rolls...probably not the best place to go when watching one's sodium intake but I planned out a strategy in advance. A take out box from the beginning, only eat half, eat more of the veggies than the noodles. I also paid attention to my hunger signals. I probably still ate past my satisfaction level, but I wasn't stuffed either...not really close to the stuffed feeling actually, and I left a good amount of noodles and other good stuff on my plate. I also guzzled water the entire time, lol. Boy did I have to pee when I left (very stupidly didn't go at the restaurant...that's dicey when you're dealing with the TTC...you never know when you're going to get home).

So let's look at this...0.6 is not what I was hoping for...however, could it have been a smaller loss, or even a STS or a gain? Hell yes it could have. I could have said to hell with it, let's finish that plate, get dessert and coffee and just throw in the towel. Did I do that? No. Kudos to me. What about earlier in the day? Did I say to myself, well, my dinner is gonna blow my dailies, might as well give in? No I did not. I pointed out my dinner in the morning, and then allocated the rest of my points accordingly. I was 2 PP over my dailies because I had a non fat latte in the morning cause I had to teach a grammar seminar at 9 am and you just can't do that without caffeine. So double kudos to me. After work and before dinner when I was really starting to get hungry, did I binge on crackers or anything else I could find to satiate myself before dinner? No I did not. Triple kudos. I didn't get in the activity I wanted after dinner because I had to prep for my class on Saturday, but there were so many good choices in my day that I can let that slide. I am proud of each and every one of the good choices I made. I powered through and that's amazing.

My feelings of euphoria that I was feeling last week may have passed because I am dealing with other emotions right now, but I am still extremely happy about how I handled yesterday and those are feelings that stick around (versus the honeymoon period). As of tomorrow my bf will have been gone a whole week, with two WHOLE weeks to go before he returns. It's really amazing how attached you become to the man-boys one chooses to live with (or whomever you choose to live with). I have good friends, and I am definitely not one of those girls who has no life outside her bf...but I really really miss my Moroccan, and it is my personal challenge to get through the next two weeks (seriously, 14 days has never seemed this long) without letting my sad and lonely emotions get the best of my weight loss. I think it's really important to get through this without eating my feelings.

So in light of everything, my 0.6 loss is a trophy for me. A nice shiny one that shows that I can make it through despite everything else that is going on in my life. Can't ask for more than that :)

Saturday and Sunday

Here I am, all alone, my Moroccan safely in Morocco. I suck at being alone. I don't know where it stems from. I know when I was in high school I actually preferred to be alone...I skipped school to avoid my friend circle and their petty ass problems (I couldn't wait for university). That's not to say I was a loner, but I had "moods". I've always wondered if I had depression. Maybe something minor, not debilitating because I can swing pretty easily into sadness and melancholia for no particular reason.

Anyway, getting off track...once I hit probably middle to alte university being alone wasn't so good for me anymore. Once my dad passed, I couldn't handle it at all. I sometimes have nightmares when I have to sleep alone, and if I can't keep busy or hang out with my friends, I start thinking way too much and enter melancholia again. So I have my work cut out for me in the next three weeks.

I let myself wallow a bit yesterday. I had 4 slices of chicken bruschetta pizza from Pizza Pizza (tracked it all...21 points worth of pizza) and a cookie which I also tracked. I also had a hot chocolate that turned out to be 6 pp...SIX!! I only drank half. I cleaned my apt., and managed to watch a movie without snacking.

I also went to sleep with my 26 year old wrinkles dog stuffed animal (anyone remember those?? puppet/stuffed animal? got mine when I was 3 :) ), but at least I wasn't snacking, lol.

So that was my Saturday. It could have been a lot worse. On my drive back from the airport it took an hour and a half to get home...a trip that normally takes 30 mintes. Effing construction. So add extreme frustration and sadness together and my night could have been a lot worse. I really had to fight it though. I could feel it. I basically had to run past the Sobey's entrance when I was parking the car, inner monologue the whole way to keep me from buying junk food. All the old demons were there whispering in my ear..."it's just one night..." "you can get it all back tomorrow..." "you've been working hard..." And above all of that I just kept thinking of that feeling I had all last week and at my WI on Friday. That kept me walking past Sobeys. Because I had Indian food and pizza I knew that it would be a fight to show a loss this coming Friday. I don't have a lot to lose on my body frame, so splurges really show up if I'm not careful. Did I have extra stuff from what was already in my apt? Yes, but I didn't bring anything new in, and that's a major victory.

This morning I woke up, had my planned breakfast (2 eggs, piece of rye toast, coffee with 1 tbls creamer), continued to clean my apt (I hate laundry and floors and left them to today, lol), watched some tv, and then put this workout together:

This is a stair circuit I put together based on the original one I saw at Tone It Up. Since I live in a condo, I have a perfect space to do stairs, and they're amazing for the legs and butt (my problem areas!) I did 5 flights of two sets of stairs...I hope that makes sense. Math and anything related to math is not my strong suit. So 5 floors, and each floor has two sets of 6 stairs...anyway, it's tough. Then in between each stair interval I do a toning move. The last couple times I did this type of workout I did a mixture of upper and lower body, but today I did all booty. In total I think it took me 25 minutes and I was sweating and panting by the end of it. I am not a fan of steady state cardio, so this is a great way to get your heart rate up and get your toning in as well. Better fat burning capabilities.

So what's left for my day? Lunch, shower, grocery shopping, dinner, early to bed cause Monday's an early work day.

Tomorrow I'm going to a WW meeting...not my meeting, I'm not going to WI, but I don't have time to stay for my entire meeting on Fridays because I have to be at work at 10, and it seems to go past 9:30, so tomorrow evening I'll hit a meeting to get the full topic and stay for the powerstart session afterwards. Then I can be more relaxed on Friday.

Hopefully, if I can stay busy enough, I won't have time to be sad :)

Have a great Sunday!

WI back on track

Down 5.2 :D Did a big 'ol happy dance at that one. I couldn't stop smiling. Yes, it's the first week back, and I am not to expect losses like this to continue. But it was so nice to see that giant number and connect it to how well I was feeling and know that the feeling helped the loss. I want to keep that feeling.

I had a splurge meal tonight (Indian for my bf's last night in Canada till he leaves for Morocco for 3 weeks). Tomorrow will be my first real test...a weekend, and I'll be alone. That's two tests in one. I teach tomorrow, and normally I am STARVING when I finish. Most likely because I eat a hurried breakfast at like 8, then a small snack at 11 or so, so of course my tummy starts rebelling at 1:30 when I finish. I am very much a routine type of person when it comes to eating. Put that together with sadness and it's not a pretty picture.

But I am not going to let an empty house derail that feeling I had this week and that super charged feeling I had at WI today. What my bf's absence means is a true focus on myself. I can cook whatever I want (well, I do anyway, but even more so now), I can exercise and not have to worry about anyone else. I can basically just do my thing without having to think of anyone else for 3 weeks. That could be my silver lining to all of this. And yes, it will be a struggle because I know my triggers, but I have to learn to push that stuff aside and focus on what works. I'm going to say it again, it's all about that feeling I posted about yesterday. I can still feel it (slightly less now with a belly full of butter chicken and naan)...and it's a very powerful motivator.

So tomorrow I drop my bf at the airport at 5:00 pm. I'll probably be back home by 5:30 or so. My plan for tomorrow evening is to clean my house. Wooo, big Saturday night plans eh? But honestly, it's a disaster and I'll feel better about it if I just get it out of the way. I don't know if I'll exercise or not. I might do a JM dvd (which, btw, I just realised that I had posted about wanting to do the 30DS and finish it...totally forgot about it...doing other workouts now, so all is not lost :) )...no one will be home, so I don't have to be quiet.

Sunday the National Women's Show is in Toronto...thinking of maybe going to do that...but what I am also going to do is another version of my stair circuit workout. It's quick, it's killer, and I can change it up. This time I am going to do the booty workout from Tone It Up followed, or preceded by the stair circuit...just to beef up the stair workout a little bit, and because I want to do a butt workout at least 3x per week, because according to people in the know, do something like that 3x per week for at least a month and you start to see results...as I have never been consistent in my butt workouts, this has yet to be seen (by me anyway)....

That plus following my routine eating habits (no more splurges for me!) and I just might make it through the weekend unscathed!