Going into the holidays

I am not fearful. I am not afraid of December. That's a first. I was TERRIFIED last December. Mainly because the WW meeting I was attending was being cancelled like 2 weeks before Christmas and then I couldn't find another meeting/time that fit and then I just went all balls crazy on the food and gained like 10lbs.

I would like to say that November-December are incredibly hard on me. I'm sure it's hard on many many people, but this time of year I'm afraid I'm a bit selfish in terms of what I feel. My dad passed on Christmas day 5 years ago this year. I start blanking out and going through cycles of depression/sadness right around November. I have a counselling appt. booked tomorrow because last week I couldn't move. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was lethargic and feeling like I had a weight sitting on my chest, holding me down. My arms felt heavy and it was a huge challenge to go about my day and not just spend it crying curled up in my bed with my puppy. I will go through bouts of this until we move into January (and then periodically throughout the year, but not as bad). I have never seen anyone before for this, and I think I am beyond due for it.

Alas, not all is gloom and doom. I have three weeks until the Moroccan and I go on a cruise to the Bahamas!! 7 nights out of NYC. This will be my first year not being with my mom, so I needed a vacation to take my mind off of it. Until we get back and then he's jetting off to Dubai for a week, leaving me alone for New Years and my birthday. I'd better get something pretty out of it.

We got our Christmas tree yesterday so now my energy is spent trying to keep my dog from jumping up for all the ornaments. I tried to put a barricade around it this morning and we shall see if that works. So I am putting myself into the Christmas spirit and will start my baking soon.

My crossfit and food are going well. I'm so glad I found such a supportive crossfit gym. The people I normally train with are amazing. It's very rewarding to finally find something fitness related that I actually like.

So my plan for December is to be normal. To not have a plan really. I will workout, I will track and portion my food, and I will be conscious of what I'm doing. There is no reason to be afraid of this month.

:)

Scared?

I think I've been scared to write since the last post. It was in April, which is insane. What have I been doing since then? I moved, which was so incredibly stressful. I may live in this townhouse till I keel over just to keep from not moving again. I don't think anyone truly realises how alone I am, despite being with the Moroccan. I do everything, and I mean everything. So, when we moved, I organised absolutely everything. I packed everything. I cleaned everything. I found tenants for our condo. I organised the moving company and the rental car. And after we moved, I unpacked everything in the span of about 2 days because I was going back home to BC for vacation. I was exhausted. I went to BC and didn't think about ON until I was forced to get back on that plane. With my being away the Moroccan decided that that was the time to discuss relationship issues, so I had a lot of tense, late night calls that accomplished absolutely nothing because, what can you do with 3000 miles between you? When I got back, we actually articulated the issues again and both set to working on them, but we're a long way off from bridging the gaps.

So, that was my summer. I barely even recognised it. It's now fall, quickly moving to winter, and I'm in a slightly better head space, but not by much. I joined crossfit, which I love. Absolutely love. Though it royally sucks 99.9% of the time, (and 100% of the time any time the damn WOD includes running, ugh) I still love it. I can't do much. My max deadlift is 145 lbs compared to some girls' 250, but whateves. I'm getting stronger. I should have tried crossfit a long time ago. Someone told me I wasn't ready. But I believe that was monetarily fueled as she was my PT at the time, and if I joined crossfit, I wouldn't be able to afford personal training. It's insanely scary, but I do what I can, and I work hard doing what I can. I can't do pull ups...I get a "baby" bar and have it as high as my arms can reach, and then I do jumping pull ups. I can only do wallballs with a 10 lb medicine ball, and when the WODs include running, I am always, always, always last. But who the fuck cares? I finish them, and I am so proud of myself. My arms are becoming defined. My waist is smaller, and I can feel new muscles in my butt and legs. My one caveat is my back. My stupid, stupid back and it's stupid stupid problems. I have to be so incredibly careful with my deadlifts and kettlebell swings because I am throwing it out of wack on a fairly regular basis. Even when I'm careful. I'm now having to plan in a core strengthening day into my week, so I can get it sorted out. I need to do some insane stretching and core strength work otherwise, what the hell am I going to do when I'm like 60? Or older? Or what if (dear lord, not now please) I get pregnant? That is absolutely murder on your back...I would be in near constant pain and who wants that?

Thank god for massages and benefits that cover them. I'm also thinking of getting one of those weight lifting belts to stabilise my core while I'm getting stronger. I need something to keep my back safe while I am starting out.

As for food, well, that hasn't really changed for me. Except for one thing. I am working out so hard, that it's absolutely just pissing me off that I am ruining it with my nutrition. I have bought books on clean eating, paleo, and even the zone, to educate myself further. I can't afford WW, and while I'm down for tracking my food, I don't want to count it anymore. I am sick of counting calories. I just want to eat, and know that I'm doing it right because of what it is, and what it isn't. I am not saying I'm going to 100% follow paleo or something like that, but I think I am just going to experiment to find out what balance works for me. I don't 100% believe in paleo, because of the zero grain thing, and I'm pretty sure our ancient ancestors ate some form of grain, just not as we know them right now.

I also want my bf to be healthy. He's gotten so chubby lately because of his work schedule, and it's all belly fat, which in the land of body fat is pretty bad. I need him to not keel over from a heart attack at the age of 31, so getting us both back on track is pretty motivating.

I don't offer any promises, or gestures here. I needed to vent, so I did, because I'm feeling sore and cranky, and the abovementioned bf has been on the phone with clients for the last 3 hours and I'm just feeling melancholy.

I have spin tomorrow, and crossfit on wed and fri. Maybe I'll try and find a bodyflow class happening Thursday. Something to take the pressure off.

Have a good week.

Well....

I'm not so much the "girl on the edge of a cliff about to step over" as I was in my last post. I still haven't figured stuff out, but at least I'm making an effort versus the burying of my head in the sand that I have been doing.

So what's been going on in the past month and a half?

1) I went back to spin and I loved it. It was the same instructor from before and she even remembered me :) I've pretty much decided that she needs to be the RPM instructor until the day I die...that's the only way I'm going to be able to cope, lol. The reason why I fell off the bike so-to-speak is because of my intro to creative suite class I was taking in my effort to get my graphic design certificate from my college...it was on Tuesdays, which was spin day. I tried going to other locations, but it really wasn't the same. I'm such a sucker for routine.

2) I've decided to try the Jillian Michaels bodyshred at Goodlife. It's at 7:15 am on Thursdays. I think it's similar to the 30 Day Shred. I get too busy in the evenings, so I'm going to try and get something done in the morning. 2 days of good exercise and then I have the option of putting in a day of my own. This week will be my first crack at it.

3) We bought a townhouse! Ya, I realise this probably should have been first, but I was pretty stoked about spin ;) I currently reside in a 1 bedroom box of a condo downtown Toronto. I love my building, and I love my area, and actually, I am pretty fond of my apartment. But we've outgrown it. We have no storage and my Moroccan works like 14 hours a day, and his office is also part of our dining/living/kitchen area (if you live in a downtown area, I'm sure you'd come to loathe the term "open concept" just as much as I do!) He's regularly up until 2 or 3 am working, and it's loud and bright, and with the bedroom opening onto this amazing open concept space, I have trouble sleeping. He needs his own space. So we bought a 2 storey, 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, townhouse a little outside downtown (about a 15-20 minute streetcar ride). We're just south of High Park, and right next to the Lakeshore boardwalk. It's a fantastic area, and I'm looking forward to getting more space. We move June 25. Very exciting, but very stressful.

4) I signed up for fresh produce delivery from Mama Earth Organics. I've been interested in CSA for awhile, but wondered if it would really work. This Wednesday is my first delivery, and for $40 I'm getting apples, oranges, bananas, asparagus, broccoli, spinach, tomatoes, and half a pound of organic coffee (that one I added, it wasn't part of the basket). The produce basket was $25, and the coffee was $10, so pretty decent. My grocery bill was down $40, so it's not like I'm really saving money, but I think I am more guaranteeing local, organic, freshness, which I can't guarantee at my grocery store.

So that's my run-down. Still surviving :) I did have to cancel my WW membership though. With budgeting for the new house (where my housing costs are going to double what I pay now), I had to cut something somewhere. I really like WW and I have had great success on it. But I also wonder about my disordered way of thinking and whether all this pressure on points etc. is messing with my head. I'm not really good at intuitive eating, or clean eating. But, then I think, if I can be disciplined enough to live on "points", shouldn't I be disciplined enough to eat clean? It doesn't make sense that I can do one and not the other. I will likely still track with MFP, but I am not really looking at numbers. I know I need to eat clean for the majority of my meals in order to be healthy, but I am not going to count calories. I need to get away from that thinking, and be more conscious of my health versus numbers.

Early day tomorrow...gotta have everything ready :)

I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?

I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.

I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.

I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.

I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.

Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.

I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.

I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.

So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.

This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.

Food hangover

I think I have finally come to the somewhat unfortunate (depends on one's perspective here) realisation that never mind sugar etc. is bad for me, but I cannot put it in my body anymore. My body is maxed out. Yesterday was a horrible day. I ate nothing but cookies, and then some leftover Chinese food later in the day. Seriously...nothing but cookies from 7:30 am until 6:00 pm. And while it actually wasn't a lot of cookies (about 6 or 7 I believe), but not eating anything in a day other than sugar and then topping that with greasy Chinese? Lord I was hurting. Truthfully, even by lunchtime yesterday I was feeling sick (this was about 3 cookies in btw), and I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat the nice healthy quiche I had brought (it had spinach AND kale in it! There were major brownie points in that quiche! Homemade too...so not even processed...sigh). My head was killing me and I could barely keep my eyes open they hurt so much. I was getting chills even though my office was perfectly warm. I felt no other symptoms, so I can't attribute it to the flu or anything, but boy did I not feel well. I even told my manager as a head's up, like hey, don't know what's going on, but I'm not feeling well and worst case scenario I won't be here tomorrow.

When I got home I had dinner and I thought I would feel better, but obviously it matters what you eat cause eating leftover Chinese didn't help matters.

I went to bed at 9:00 pm and I was sweating, even though with it being -20 outside right now, it's not like my home is super duper warm.

And today? Well I did call in sick because I just felt so run down and achy. And the cravings? Holy crap the cravings. I want sugar. I crave sugar. I cannot think about anything but sugar. I can't think about anything but food period. Never mind being annoying, it's frickin scary. I will not let this happen again. I will not go back to the 160s and feel tight and chubby and gross.

It's just an eye-opener to me just how bad that food made me feel. I haven't had that reaction before. Bad food is bad for you, yes I know...but I've never had that physical reaction to it before (well except the whole ear ache thing when I eat McDonalds).

My body is literally crying out for healthy non-processed food. I have to take this as a sign and move forward and leave the junk behind. I just can't do it anymore. I had made that choice relatively easily back in Sept-Dec. Time to do it again. I don't want this feeling to come back. I'd much rather have that feeling of satisfaction that I am doing well for myself and moving in the direction I want.

Rough lesson, but hopefully lesson learned.

Clean up time

Half way through January, time to get the routine going again. No more Christmas, New Year's, birthday. No excuses. What I do have is a new routine. I am taking a graphic design class every Tuesday from now until the middle of April, my new puppy is coming Feb. 8, and I teach every Saturday from now until the end of April. Oh, and I have a new meeting time and place.

That's a lot of new stuff for a self-proclaimed hater of change (others have proclaimed this as well to be honest). So I've been struggling a little bit.

So I am using this coming week to put my routine (or a routine period) into place.

For exercise I have spin class on Wednesdays. I want Mondays to be one of my booty days (hehe), because I'm home from work at 4:00 that day, and then I think Thursdays and Sundays will round out my week. I was noticing a lot of change with my body just before Christmas. Time to get that going again.

There's also a "clean up your diet" challenge I read about in the blogosphere, so I'm going to take that on. That's eliminating all processed sugars/foods from your diet from now until Feb. 14. Clean eating is the key to success. I noticed this prior to the holidays that I wasn't really eating too differently except I was really focusing on getting the good food into me instead of the convenience foods. The exception are my lattes. If I get the sugar free syrups do they still count?? Not sure. It's still putting something into my body that's not good for me. On the fence about artificial sweeteners.

So I am taking on this clean up challenge. I am also back to tracking (faithfully, even if it's not good news).

Time to feel the fire! Or rather, the burn in muscles not used in several weeks, lol.

Update!

Some good news and some bad news.

The good? Down 1.2....wooooo, strong pull in a very good direction.

The bad? They are closing my meeting location. It was perfect...on the way to work, at 9 am, able to stay for the whole meeting before I have to be at work, and able to weigh in on an empty stomach (which is my own personal ritual).

I found out last week, but kinda thought a Christmas miracle or something would happen and the closure wouldn't happen. No such luck. It really bummed me out. I don't understand their mentality for doing it right now. For a company that supposedly cares about the people, I find it really difficult to understand why they would take something away from people who need it so much right at the time of year when we're likely at our most vulnerable. Let's cause emotion for those who emotionally eat. Doesn't sit right with me. They could have waited until the holidays are over. It's really really bad timing.

This has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps the first real challenge of my current WW initiative. I am attached to that meeting. To the people and the leader. To lose that is extremely difficult. It will take everything I have to get through it.

Today after my meeting was a prime example of how this change could affect me if I let it. I had already decided to have pizza for lunch. But I was going to have a slice. 10 maybe 13 pp with a coke zero and I will have splurged but not gone overboard. Instead, after my meeting, the thought of having a small pizza versus a slice came into my head and never really left. So for lunch I had a small pizza with garlic dip and coke zero. And not just 2 or 3 slices of that pizza. The entire damn thing. Now, it was a small pizza...quite small actually (for the $10 I paid for it...but beside the point)...so umm, 6 small slices I think? Likely 4 slices of a regular medium pizza.

Then for dinner, I get Chinese food. Chicken fried rice and stir fried shrimp. Then Christmas cookies.

This was not my plan. I am having Jack Astors tomorrow night for a date with the bf. I had every intention of having my slice of pizza and then reasonable dinner because I knew I was having a huge dinner tomorrow.

But what's important is what I take away from this and how I handle it. Christmas is going to be insane. But for the first year I don't want to say "eff it, it's only once a year." I don't want to slip back. I am 2.6 away from getting my 10%. That's 16 lbs. That puts me over halfway to my goal. I am in the 140s now and it feels great. I don't want to lose that. But what I do from this point forward is going to dictate whether I lose that or not. I can say here that I don't want to lose that feeling or my progress, but actions speak louder than words. Without the action to back it up, the words mean nothing.

My plan for this week is:

1) Regular work out routine on Sunday
2) Work out on Monday...I get off work at 3:30. Why do I have so much difficulty working out on a day when I get off so early?? It's weird.
3) Tuesday is spin...always great
4) Wednesday - Jillian Michaels something or other
5) Thursday I pick my mom up from the airport, but I am also going to try and get to the 9:30 am meeting one subway stop from my school. I won't be able to stay for the meeting, but since weigh in happens 30 minutes before, I'll still get that. Then that evening I'll go to the same location to actually attend the meeting.

And through all of this I will keep up with my good eating habits that I've been developing (and doing pretty darn good at if I do say so myself).

Let's see if I can tackle this head on so it doesn't bury me.

Have a great weekend.