Well....

I'm not so much the "girl on the edge of a cliff about to step over" as I was in my last post. I still haven't figured stuff out, but at least I'm making an effort versus the burying of my head in the sand that I have been doing.

So what's been going on in the past month and a half?

1) I went back to spin and I loved it. It was the same instructor from before and she even remembered me :) I've pretty much decided that she needs to be the RPM instructor until the day I die...that's the only way I'm going to be able to cope, lol. The reason why I fell off the bike so-to-speak is because of my intro to creative suite class I was taking in my effort to get my graphic design certificate from my college...it was on Tuesdays, which was spin day. I tried going to other locations, but it really wasn't the same. I'm such a sucker for routine.

2) I've decided to try the Jillian Michaels bodyshred at Goodlife. It's at 7:15 am on Thursdays. I think it's similar to the 30 Day Shred. I get too busy in the evenings, so I'm going to try and get something done in the morning. 2 days of good exercise and then I have the option of putting in a day of my own. This week will be my first crack at it.

3) We bought a townhouse! Ya, I realise this probably should have been first, but I was pretty stoked about spin ;) I currently reside in a 1 bedroom box of a condo downtown Toronto. I love my building, and I love my area, and actually, I am pretty fond of my apartment. But we've outgrown it. We have no storage and my Moroccan works like 14 hours a day, and his office is also part of our dining/living/kitchen area (if you live in a downtown area, I'm sure you'd come to loathe the term "open concept" just as much as I do!) He's regularly up until 2 or 3 am working, and it's loud and bright, and with the bedroom opening onto this amazing open concept space, I have trouble sleeping. He needs his own space. So we bought a 2 storey, 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, townhouse a little outside downtown (about a 15-20 minute streetcar ride). We're just south of High Park, and right next to the Lakeshore boardwalk. It's a fantastic area, and I'm looking forward to getting more space. We move June 25. Very exciting, but very stressful.

4) I signed up for fresh produce delivery from Mama Earth Organics. I've been interested in CSA for awhile, but wondered if it would really work. This Wednesday is my first delivery, and for $40 I'm getting apples, oranges, bananas, asparagus, broccoli, spinach, tomatoes, and half a pound of organic coffee (that one I added, it wasn't part of the basket). The produce basket was $25, and the coffee was $10, so pretty decent. My grocery bill was down $40, so it's not like I'm really saving money, but I think I am more guaranteeing local, organic, freshness, which I can't guarantee at my grocery store.

So that's my run-down. Still surviving :) I did have to cancel my WW membership though. With budgeting for the new house (where my housing costs are going to double what I pay now), I had to cut something somewhere. I really like WW and I have had great success on it. But I also wonder about my disordered way of thinking and whether all this pressure on points etc. is messing with my head. I'm not really good at intuitive eating, or clean eating. But, then I think, if I can be disciplined enough to live on "points", shouldn't I be disciplined enough to eat clean? It doesn't make sense that I can do one and not the other. I will likely still track with MFP, but I am not really looking at numbers. I know I need to eat clean for the majority of my meals in order to be healthy, but I am not going to count calories. I need to get away from that thinking, and be more conscious of my health versus numbers.

Early day tomorrow...gotta have everything ready :)

I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start. This post has been brewing in my head for some time now, I just don't think I've had the courage to post it. There are a lot of things I don't want to admit right now. That my update post from January(!) with it's upbeat optimism didn't get past day one? That the food hangover I posted about did nothing to keep me from spiralling even further into junk food addiction? That I have started to feel so low about myself, that I have resorted to some pretty drastic measures to feel happy?

I am usually a pretty confident person. But over the past couple months my self esteem has been slipping and I can feel myself slipping lower and lower into self-hate/disgust, and maybe even pity. I've started asking my bf...do I look fat? Am I pretty? Do you <3 me? Do you still like me? Ugh. I've become so needy because, and let's see if I express this properly, because I've lost my own image, and I am resorting to getting my image bolstered by the reflection in someone else...not sure if I got that out right. It's like reassuring myself that things haven't changed, knowing full well that things have changed.

I've been reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It's a little bit of preaching to the choir...I've always believed in resistance training for women and have never shied away from it. But maybe it's getting back in that mindset? I am not sitting here and saying I'm going to complete the whole 6 month program, and I'm going to do it this time and I'm going to be fantastic! No, cause that obviously doesn't work for me.

I don't honestly know what I need, or maybe even what I want. I thought I had moved past my extreme food issues...understanding that they weren't ever going to go away, but thinking that they were at least tamed. Last September I seemed to have finally made the connection and had a decent 80/20 relationship with food. Clean 80% of the time with zero guilt about about the 20%. Well, I still likely eat 80/20, but switch the parameters of the ratio, and add the guilt. Every time I go into Tim Hortons I fantasize about the donuts. I'm not even kidding. I visualize in my head the feel of the donut against my lips and teeth and the sensation of biting into its pillowy sweet softness and sinking my teeth through and hitting the custard in the middle (it's the Easter egg donut in my most recent dirty donut dream). I stare at them while I am in line waiting for my small one cream one sweetener. 95% of the time I resist and I forgot about those donuts once I leave. But it's the intensity of my feelings toward food that is scaring the crap out of me.

I honestly thought that was gone and I am so distraught (to pull a plantation era belle term) that it's back. It's hard to combat feelings of that intensity. Maybe because I don't have spin to distract me? Maybe because I got my puppy and the last two months have been insane (it's like having a baby, no friggin joke...she's up at like 5 am every morning). I don't know. I know I do well if something grounds me (like spin did in the fall), but I am having trouble getting back into something that will keep me grounded.

Maybe it's also the weather? I've been waiting for it to warm up so I can take my puppy outside (she's barely 5lbs, so Ontario winter is just too cold for her right now)...or I'm just fucking making excuses.

I DON'T KNOW. I don't know why the feelings are back. I don't know why I feel alone and helpless and lost. I just don't know. Everything else in my life is good. Bf and I aren't fighting..he works like crazy, but whatever...work is really good. After the 5am wake up call, puppy is good. I don't know why I feel so low.

I don't know if I need counselling again...knowing that I didn't really like it the first time around and being hesitant about adding another commitment to my schedule.

So I don't know. I don't know why, I don't know when it will change, or even how to change it. I've been here before and it saddens me that I can recognise every one of the signs and yet have no way to combat it. I'm still no more ahead than the 195 lb girl who signed up for WW 5 years ago.

This weekend is about me and what I want. I am going to tyr and figure this out...because I can't keep living how I am. It's too much.

Food hangover

I think I have finally come to the somewhat unfortunate (depends on one's perspective here) realisation that never mind sugar etc. is bad for me, but I cannot put it in my body anymore. My body is maxed out. Yesterday was a horrible day. I ate nothing but cookies, and then some leftover Chinese food later in the day. Seriously...nothing but cookies from 7:30 am until 6:00 pm. And while it actually wasn't a lot of cookies (about 6 or 7 I believe), but not eating anything in a day other than sugar and then topping that with greasy Chinese? Lord I was hurting. Truthfully, even by lunchtime yesterday I was feeling sick (this was about 3 cookies in btw), and I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat the nice healthy quiche I had brought (it had spinach AND kale in it! There were major brownie points in that quiche! Homemade too...so not even processed...sigh). My head was killing me and I could barely keep my eyes open they hurt so much. I was getting chills even though my office was perfectly warm. I felt no other symptoms, so I can't attribute it to the flu or anything, but boy did I not feel well. I even told my manager as a head's up, like hey, don't know what's going on, but I'm not feeling well and worst case scenario I won't be here tomorrow.

When I got home I had dinner and I thought I would feel better, but obviously it matters what you eat cause eating leftover Chinese didn't help matters.

I went to bed at 9:00 pm and I was sweating, even though with it being -20 outside right now, it's not like my home is super duper warm.

And today? Well I did call in sick because I just felt so run down and achy. And the cravings? Holy crap the cravings. I want sugar. I crave sugar. I cannot think about anything but sugar. I can't think about anything but food period. Never mind being annoying, it's frickin scary. I will not let this happen again. I will not go back to the 160s and feel tight and chubby and gross.

It's just an eye-opener to me just how bad that food made me feel. I haven't had that reaction before. Bad food is bad for you, yes I know...but I've never had that physical reaction to it before (well except the whole ear ache thing when I eat McDonalds).

My body is literally crying out for healthy non-processed food. I have to take this as a sign and move forward and leave the junk behind. I just can't do it anymore. I had made that choice relatively easily back in Sept-Dec. Time to do it again. I don't want this feeling to come back. I'd much rather have that feeling of satisfaction that I am doing well for myself and moving in the direction I want.

Rough lesson, but hopefully lesson learned.

Clean up time

Half way through January, time to get the routine going again. No more Christmas, New Year's, birthday. No excuses. What I do have is a new routine. I am taking a graphic design class every Tuesday from now until the middle of April, my new puppy is coming Feb. 8, and I teach every Saturday from now until the end of April. Oh, and I have a new meeting time and place.

That's a lot of new stuff for a self-proclaimed hater of change (others have proclaimed this as well to be honest). So I've been struggling a little bit.

So I am using this coming week to put my routine (or a routine period) into place.

For exercise I have spin class on Wednesdays. I want Mondays to be one of my booty days (hehe), because I'm home from work at 4:00 that day, and then I think Thursdays and Sundays will round out my week. I was noticing a lot of change with my body just before Christmas. Time to get that going again.

There's also a "clean up your diet" challenge I read about in the blogosphere, so I'm going to take that on. That's eliminating all processed sugars/foods from your diet from now until Feb. 14. Clean eating is the key to success. I noticed this prior to the holidays that I wasn't really eating too differently except I was really focusing on getting the good food into me instead of the convenience foods. The exception are my lattes. If I get the sugar free syrups do they still count?? Not sure. It's still putting something into my body that's not good for me. On the fence about artificial sweeteners.

So I am taking on this clean up challenge. I am also back to tracking (faithfully, even if it's not good news).

Time to feel the fire! Or rather, the burn in muscles not used in several weeks, lol.

Update!

Some good news and some bad news.

The good? Down 1.2....wooooo, strong pull in a very good direction.

The bad? They are closing my meeting location. It was perfect...on the way to work, at 9 am, able to stay for the whole meeting before I have to be at work, and able to weigh in on an empty stomach (which is my own personal ritual).

I found out last week, but kinda thought a Christmas miracle or something would happen and the closure wouldn't happen. No such luck. It really bummed me out. I don't understand their mentality for doing it right now. For a company that supposedly cares about the people, I find it really difficult to understand why they would take something away from people who need it so much right at the time of year when we're likely at our most vulnerable. Let's cause emotion for those who emotionally eat. Doesn't sit right with me. They could have waited until the holidays are over. It's really really bad timing.

This has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps the first real challenge of my current WW initiative. I am attached to that meeting. To the people and the leader. To lose that is extremely difficult. It will take everything I have to get through it.

Today after my meeting was a prime example of how this change could affect me if I let it. I had already decided to have pizza for lunch. But I was going to have a slice. 10 maybe 13 pp with a coke zero and I will have splurged but not gone overboard. Instead, after my meeting, the thought of having a small pizza versus a slice came into my head and never really left. So for lunch I had a small pizza with garlic dip and coke zero. And not just 2 or 3 slices of that pizza. The entire damn thing. Now, it was a small pizza...quite small actually (for the $10 I paid for it...but beside the point)...so umm, 6 small slices I think? Likely 4 slices of a regular medium pizza.

Then for dinner, I get Chinese food. Chicken fried rice and stir fried shrimp. Then Christmas cookies.

This was not my plan. I am having Jack Astors tomorrow night for a date with the bf. I had every intention of having my slice of pizza and then reasonable dinner because I knew I was having a huge dinner tomorrow.

But what's important is what I take away from this and how I handle it. Christmas is going to be insane. But for the first year I don't want to say "eff it, it's only once a year." I don't want to slip back. I am 2.6 away from getting my 10%. That's 16 lbs. That puts me over halfway to my goal. I am in the 140s now and it feels great. I don't want to lose that. But what I do from this point forward is going to dictate whether I lose that or not. I can say here that I don't want to lose that feeling or my progress, but actions speak louder than words. Without the action to back it up, the words mean nothing.

My plan for this week is:

1) Regular work out routine on Sunday
2) Work out on Monday...I get off work at 3:30. Why do I have so much difficulty working out on a day when I get off so early?? It's weird.
3) Tuesday is spin...always great
4) Wednesday - Jillian Michaels something or other
5) Thursday I pick my mom up from the airport, but I am also going to try and get to the 9:30 am meeting one subway stop from my school. I won't be able to stay for the meeting, but since weigh in happens 30 minutes before, I'll still get that. Then that evening I'll go to the same location to actually attend the meeting.

And through all of this I will keep up with my good eating habits that I've been developing (and doing pretty darn good at if I do say so myself).

Let's see if I can tackle this head on so it doesn't bury me.

Have a great weekend.

Christmas plans?

Who has a plan to lose? What about maintain? What about saying to hell with it and letting the chips (oooh and dip!) fall where they may? This is a dangerous dangerous time of year. I don't have a specific plan of action as of yet. I have a basic outline, but nothing concrete. First, let me tally up the food events for me this season:

1) dinner with a good girlfriend of mine to do present swap for both of our respective birthdays plus Christmas

2) My mom gets into town next week: 1 Indian buffet; 1 movie outing; 1 birthday dinner (my mom's)  - this all within about 2-3 days

3) Christmas Eve - traditionally an appetizer evening with all the good (read: bad) foods I don't eat throughout the rest of the year

4) Christmas Day - need I say more?

5) Mandarin Buffet (my birthday, my choice)

6) Birthday #2 - party thrown by a friend of mine.

Holy cow.

My plan this holiday season, honestly, is just to maintain. Because it looks like food is kinda out of control, my action plan is to be as active as possible. I've already checked out the spin classes that will be running during that holiday week, plus with the gym in my building it's not that hard to get to.

I am also going to enjoy myself. I do not eat like this throughout the year, and I have been truly living this plan for over 2 months now. This includes splurge meals. I'm going to treat my days as I normally would and see what happens.

Besides, I have a whole week before the craziness starts in. Let's see what I can accomplish in that time.

WI tomorrow, so I'm excited to see how this week went. Otherwise, time to finish marking for my last IELTS class on Saturday and prepare for my holiday next week!

Updates 'R Us

This has been a rough rough week. In a follow up to my previous post, I lost again, this time at the tail end of my TOM. Down 4.4 through my TOM. Not too shabby. So down another 2lb this week. That officially put me back in the 140s! 149.8, but whatever :) That was my Christmas goal to myself. To lose basically 13lbs before Christmas. I have 0.8 to hit the actual 13, but I am stoked nonetheless.

So weight loss good. I didn't use any WPs over the week (considering I had used basically all of them at Red Lobster last weekend, this was a good thing). I only got about half of spin class....my regular instructor was away and there was a sub. Oh god was she awful. I was bored in spin class. That's not normal. The songs were slow and boring, and so was the instructor. I don't waste time doing things I don't enjoy, especially since I knew I had marking etc. to do, so I left. Then I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday.

Why may you ask? Well...it could have something to do with the fact that bf and I put an offer on a bigger condo in our same building. It was accepted and we entered into the hell of negotiations and getting financing.

Now here's the situation....we could have gotten it. Realistically, between what we both make in our salaries and contract/freelance work, we would have been approved to carry both the mortgage of our current place (we wanted to rent it out, not sell), and the mortgage of the new place. That's about 600K...but we would have been approved. However, and this is our mistake...I take full responsibility for what happened. After the offer was accepted, we had 24 hours to come up with the $18,000 down payment. This was not going to be a problem since my bf had about 25K in his bank account from freelance work. The plan was for him to pay for the deposit, closing fees etc., and I would pay him back monthly. However, when we started looking at it, a) his money is in USD because most of his clients are American, and therefore with the exchange rate right now he would lose a lot of $$ if he were to convert it right now, and b) when it came right down to it, I couldn't afford the increased mortgage on top of paying him a loan fee. It would put my personal debt ratio up crazy high.

So on Friday morning (after my WI, which I think was helped by the like 1/4 of my dinner I was able to stomach the night before), I called the realtor and told him that we couldn't put together the deposit. He started freaking out, and got me freaking out because when you accept an offer to purchase a property, that's a legally binding document. We were contractually obligated, at that point, to purchase the property. This went on for a couple hours (and being told that the sellers could take us to court if they wanted to)...finally, I called my mortgage broker and told him to strip our incomes...take out the contract/freelance work. Would we still qualify? No? Problem solved. Got him to talk to the realtor and this whole mess was over. Property purchases are usually conditional on financing...It was such a hellish day. I can only imagine what the sellers felt like. I never in a million years wanted to cause that hardship to them. We truly, 100% wanted that condo. It was wonderfully upgraded, 2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms, parking, locker, quiet etc., good price (which in downtown Toronto is saying something). I truly feel bad for accepting something and then going back on it less than 24 hours away. I know how stressful it must be to be selling in this market. But when we looked at the brass tacks of it all, it just isn't doable at this time. We were too hasty. We're outgrowing our current place, and that frustration has led us to jump ahead of ourselves.

I had a stress ear/headache all day yesterday and just felt sick to my stomach. Apparently the realtor also called bf and was almost threatening like...I kinda had to laugh at that...you try to take the hard line with the Moroccan and he'll go in the opposite direction just to spite you. He could 100% agree with you, but if you try to pressure him, he'll go the opposite way just cause.

So it's not been a good time lately. But did I go to food? Nope. I was tempted at Starbucks yesterday morning eyeing those chocolate caramel muffins they have. It was one of the few times I actually consciously said "no, this isn't going to solve your problems," and left with my 2 pp skinny peppermint mocha.

I did indulge in a grilled cheese and clam chowder for lunch today, but I'd been thinking about it for awhile, so I'm ok with it.

Now I'm Christmas baking (I give cookie packages to co-workers) and watching the BLTs!

Here's hoping next week is better!