WI 3

Up....0.2. I was angry (this morning when I WI) but then I got over it. I didn't hold onto my serenity, but that's a whole other story to come. It's my TOM. I also had a sodium laden meal yesterday. But to be honest, if I don't see something major next week I am going to lose it. I don't think my sanity or my confidence could handle a gain or a STS. It won't matter how many small changes I notice, or how many lists I make, or how many times I say that the scale is just one part. Yes, it's one part, but I need that part to work with the other parts. I need it to drop. Is that bad? I feel like it's bad to actually admit how much I need the scale to drop. I feel like I'm supposed to say it doesn't matter at all. But for me, it does.

I'm still focusing a lot on my inches lost (haven't taken my 4 week measurements yet, but I can feel it). I'm still focusing on what I feel (generally lighter and more in control), and I'm still focusing on the feeling of getting stronger.

But in addition to all of that, I need that number to drop. Oh sure, I'm in the middle of an emotional battle and a commercial for Red Lobster's Lobster Fest comes on tv...sigh. lol...c'est la vie, non?

Anyway, as I said, I was good this morning. I was good this afternoon, I headed to the gym with a veritable spring in my step. Time to rock out my second run at 5.0. (did my first yesterday). Hopped on that treadmill, did my warm up, and then started my jog.

Eff it was awful. Absolutely bloody awful. I couldn't make it 10 minutes without stopping. I took a 1 minute break and got back on. Made it maybe another 5 or 6 minutes and took another break. My legs were tired, I was breathing pretty heavily (after 14 yrs of competitive history, breathing is never an issue for me, I can breathe like a champ), but today it was hard. I got back on and made if for the 7-8 minutes I had left, then I stretched, and left the gym in a funk. I was angry. I was sad. Actually, more sad than anything.

I know bad runs happen. They happen all the time, especially for someone building up their endurance. Running isn't second nature to me yet, so some days are gonna be rough. I think also with running at 5.0 the day before, and resistance on Saturday, my body was just tired. It's only been 3 weeks ish (this week is my 4th week back on track), and it will take time for my body to get used to the level of activity I am demanding from it. But it just brought to the surface the frustration at my WI, and the fact that I let myself get to this stage when it could have been prevented. I just felt like everything is so hard this time around. Nothing is easy. So I basically had a pity party in my head on my way home. Got myself into a good funk on the streetcar. Texting the bf was no help. His response? Don't ruin my kebob (I had planned a special dinner for tonight). Gee, thanks babe.

I ended up calling my mom and breaking down on her. It was good to get it out, but I'm still sad. I see my counsellor tomorrow, which is a very very good thing. Two weeks is much too long to go by without seeing someone. There've been a lot of emotional food choices in the past two weeks (most victories, but some oopses as well).

The only positive thing that came from this? I didn't binge. I didn't walk into Sobey's and buy junk. I came home and had an apple with natural PB (which was already tracked as one of my snacks for today). Then I had an orange. The orange was emotional eating. It wasn't planned for. So on one head, emotional eating is emotional eating, but on the other hand, it was a frickin orange. I'll take that over a bag of kettle chips any day.

Tomorrow is a new day (ever feel like Scarlett O'Hara when you say that??) and I will have my early morning session with my trainer and I will feel good about myself and what I'm doing. Because positive thinking is in my control, even when a lot of things are not.

Comfort food

What is it about food that is so comforting? I'm trying to figure out why I gravitate to certain foods when I'm feeling emotional (read: pissed or sad).

Do you know what my ultimate comfort food meal is? Cheese toast (or tuna melt) with tomato soup and LOTS of premium plus saltine crackers, with a big ice tea (the kind you make from a mix). On the surface there's not a whole lot wrong with it, because it really depends on the ingredients I use (low fat vs. regular fat cheese, the amount of miracle whip I use, the type of bread etc., and the amount of saltines I actually end up eating). But I do eat to extreme fullness. There is a lot of salt in this meal, and I love it.

I didn't know what I was planning for lunch today. But I do know that I didn't follow my overall plan. My grand plan for today was breakfast, then grocery shopping, then gym, then lunch. But now I am so full that I have to put off the gym until later in the day.

So why the comfort food? Sigh. I peeked again. Apparently I am not the type of person who learns from her mistakes! lol. I peeked this morning and got pissed off. I was up 0.2. Yet, a) it's TOM, b) I was dressed and had already eaten breakfast, and c) my WI IS TOMORROW!!!!

Ugh. Remember my last post when I said that "oh the scale is just one part blah blah blah"? Damn, what a hypocrite I am! Not even a day later! I know why I did it. I was feeling confident. Even dressed and after I had eaten, I was feeling confident that it'd be down. Silly Meighan. Not silly to have confidence, but silly to not keep that confidence going until tomorrow morning and just have pride that I can hold out for an entire week.

Because where did that peek lead me? To eat waaaay too much and ignore my hunger signals, and to make a meal that wasn't really as OP as I would have liked. As I was making it, I also had some negative energy thoughts running through my head. Somewhere along the lines of "eff the scale, I'm gonna do what I want!" Um, Megs, that's what got you into this situation in the first place! Using food as a weapon. But who am I hurting? Myself! I am deliberately hurting myself! That's crazy. No one else is going to be hurt by my poor choices, so what gives?

So that's the million dollar question...if my choices are only hurting me, then why do I keep making the wrong decisions based on destructive thought patterns? Something to ponder...

Small changes

This is something that I struggle with. Looking for the small changes in the midst of a very long and big journey that I'm on. So I'm making an attempt to pay more attention to the little changes that are happening in my life and with my body in order to appreciate everything a lot more.

1) I was able to do 15 "real" push ups without stopping. I then was able to do 2 more sets of 10 before I collapsed (an improvement from a week ago btw)

2) My waist is definitely smaller. My shirts are fitting looser.

3) I can run/jug for 20 minutes straight without feeling like I'm gonna die

4) I'm starting to balance out my meals more. Thinking of food more of fuel than pleasure (but still focusing on fueling food that I enjoy :) )

5) I am tracking every day. Today I reached a milestone on MFP...20 straight days of tracking.

6) My "girls" are getting smaller, lol. My cup no longer runneth over in my 34D bra (I prefer the full C I had when I was in the 140s). I'm sorry, but I refuse to shell out $60 for a bra just cause they're a little bigger than the average girl. So I'm wearing out the D bras that I have in preparation of my re-admittance to C-land ;)

That's a pretty good list. I feel smaller, lighter, and more in control. I still have major oopses with food. I try and journal those experiences the best I can, but overall I think I'm definitely heading back to a better head space.

WI is on Monday, which I'm looking forward to (is that weird??) but I think it's a little different than last week. The scale is just one aspect of this thing I'm doing. Just look at that list above...those are some great things to be happy about. The number on the scale is just a part of that, not the whole kit and caboodle.

Tomorrow is a jog day...gotta bump it to 5.0 on the treadmill. I'm a little scared, but I'll take it one minute at a time :)

Have a great weekend!

Eating out blues

I love eating out. Give me a choice between home made and eating out and I will choose eating out 9 times outta 10. However, when I am OP, I try not to eat out as much because obviously it's really not that good for you. Even choosing the healthier options, nothing beats what you can put together yourself at home and you know exactly what's it in.

I had a dinner with co-workers today. I wasn't really stressing it cause I knew about it since last week and I got up at 6:30 this morning to hit the gym before work cause I know I wouldn't go after work, and I ate balanced and light throughout the day.

My issue with eating out is twofold:

#1 - I NEVER choose the "healthier" option. Ever. It's a very odd justification too. I'm paying to eat out and therefore I want choose whatever the hell I want, not what I can cook at home. However, do I not pay for my healthy groceries? Do I not pay for the food I use to cook at home? So how does this justification work? Not sure. My head's messed up sometimes. But that's my justification.

#2 - I have a very very very hard time following my hunger signals when I eat out. I want to get my "money's worth" I guess? It's also because I don't get to eat that food all the time, so I go all glutton on it.

Went went to Marche Restaurant downtown Toronto. For those not in the know, it's a market style restaurant with all of these different stations and your food gets cooked in front of. omg, the choices!! I walked around like 4 times trying to figure out what I wanted. I ended up with the halibut fish and chips. I LOVE halibut. I'm from the west coast and halibut is my favourite white fish. It was a huge portion too. It was just soo good! I wanted to enjoy every bite of it. I left some fries on the plate (like 4, lol) and probably 1/4 of the fish. But for probably 5 minutes before I actually stopped I had this running through my head: "you're full, obey your hunger signs! You're full, obey your hunger signs!" It took much longer than I would have liked to stop eating. It also took a lot of strength to push the plate away and give the rest to my co-workers.

Then, despite my actually acknowledging my hunger signs and pushing the plate away, I still wanted dessert. I didn't have room for dessert. The fish and chips had my at my cap for the day, including eating what I got from my workout in the morning. My co-worker had mentioned getting something and I thought, hmm, maybe we could share. Then she backed out. I think the only thing that stopped me was that if I got dessert, I'd be the only one at the table indulging. It may not sound like a lot, but it felt like I would stick out, stigma almost is how I would describe it (not that any of my co-workers would EVER make me feel that way, this is all in my head, lol). So I didn't get dessert. But I thought about it. Seriously thought about it.

I'm glad I didn't get dessert. I didn't need it. I had sweets yesterday and have no need to indulge again. I think what also saved me is that I had some candies on the way out of the restaurant (they had jellybeans and hard candies as you leave). God, there was so much sugar in those things! They made me feel ill. It gave me no desire to have anything else except water to flush this out of my system.

So despite the progress I've made in other areas, eating out still remains a huge challenge. One that I am not terribly sure how to overcome.

Shouldn't have Peeked

That'll teach me. I should know better. I've been doing this long enough to know that peeking is bad news. It usually sets you up for a fail. Usually this is what happens when you scale peek:

A) You're up, so you get prematurely depressed (despite the fact that you're probably not following your WI ritual and did it at a different time of day, etc.)
B) You're down and you get happy, till you get stressed about maintaining that till the actual WI
C) You're down, but not by what you wanted and again enter in stress about the actual WI

That's not healthy. I never used to be a multi-weigher. I think my scale can smell my desperation and fear, and like dogs and children, is reacting to it. That's my only explanation.

I was down 0.4 lbs today. The same as my peek on Saturday morning. A loss is a loss right? Ya, I know, but it's not really. Because I'm human, and most humans want to see greater rewards for any amount of effort that they put in. I think I honestly thought that I would lose a pound between Saturday and Monday. But, it's time to be realistic...was I really deserving of a big loss this week? I don't think so.

First, I had a big loss last week. So, like the 2nd week in Biggest Loser, a smaller loss is to be expected. Second, I had unlimited Swiss Chalet (meaning I didn't plan for it, I didn't adjust my daily intake to account for it, I just went free wheelin' essentially), and I had pizza. Twice. The first time is well documented in an earlier post, and I dealt with that decision last Friday. I was severely dehydrated the rest of the day. The second pizza incident was yesterday. Bf and I had gone to Cora's for brunch (had to stand in line outside in like -10 degrees for like 20 mins, but worth it!)...I had two poached eggs, a whole wheat english muffin, two turkey sausages (the small ones), fruit, and hashbrowns...I love cora's hashbrowns, but that's a big breakfast for me. So I wasn't interested in eating lunch till about 4 pm after I had gotten back from my run. We had pizza left over from Friday, so I warmed up 1 (ONE!! sorry, minor euphoria moment there cause that doesn't usually happen), and ate it with cut up veggies. It was completely balanced, but it still was on the outer ranges of healthy for me.

Third, I didn't get in the level of activity that I wanted. I worked out 5 times last week, but I think on my off days from my trainer I need to be doing more. I need to push myself more. On Friday I think I am going to try running for 30 mins. See what happens. I'll have to talk to my trainer tomorrow, but I feel like what I'm doing isn't enough.

Put it all together and at the size that I am, I don't think that 0.4 is unexplainable.

So my decision this week is to try and eat cleaner. I have a co-worker dinner on Wednesday, and Korean food on Saturday. But other than that, I should be able to have a better control on my nutrition. That's the key.

In other news, still sad for no apparent reason. Sigh...gotta love being a girl ;)

2nd WI tomorrow

I'm a little nervous. I did a peek on Saturday morning (baaaad Megs, I know), and I wasn't that impressed with the result. I was down 0.4, but I feel like it should be more. But then I wonder, should it really? I had Swiss Chalet on Tuesday. Pizza on Friday (but portioned and monitored). Even though it fit into my plan (ok, the Swiss Chalet didn't let's not sugar coat), that's not as healthy food as I could prepare myself. There is a lot of sodium in pizza, even though I tried to chug the water.

I think what's getting to me is how loooooong this takes. I forgot that part. And I am so PISSED, so absolutely pissed that I let myself get here. I was down to 140! I was 15lbs away from goal. As my bf asked the other day, how the hell did I get from 140 to 164??? How did I let myself get that high again? Pardon my language, but fuck is all I have to say! So angry. The only saving grace is that I feel a difference this time. My mental attitude is getting better. I'm actually addressing my mental issues with food. I may have been down to 140, but obviously there was something wrong that I couldn't maintain it. That I couldn't keep it going. Until I conquer my head, I'll never be able to get to goal and actually sustain it. But I'm still pissed.

I told my trainer that she's free to amp things up with me. We've been going pretty slow (IMO) as she kind of evaluates what I can do, and the best program for me. She keeps telling me that we have to walk before we can run, but I want to run! Running burns more calories! lol. I only have her for 3 months because personal training is so expensive. I really want to reach my goal in that time and with that sneak peek yesterday I lose my confidence that I can.

Sigh...the fact that in a week it's "that time", means this week it's PMS time! I don't get bitchy when this happens...I get sad and introspective. And sad and introspective leads to emotional eating. Blah. I could already feel it today. I went for a run, (20 mins non-stop!! wooo!) and it was hard! Harder than Friday. Not sure why. Maybe I'm tired? I've noticed this with running, the exact same thing can feel so different day to day. And afterwards I wasn't as euphoric as I normally am when I have a workout. So the sadness is creeping in and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't see my counselor till the 13th, so I think I have my work cut out for me this week.

Hopefully (as much as I hate relying on the scale to boost my mood), tomorrow will show good results and just show me that it's working and give me the strength to keep going (I will regardless, it'd just be easier).

Feeling Better

I'm on the mend from my cold. That's a relief. I went back to work today. It was rough in the beginning. I walk in and find a whole bunch of things changed. I was not impressed. That is my school and non-school people were changing things. Stressful morning, but even though I really wanted a Tim Horton's double double, I didn't let myself give in. I knew what I was having for lunch and knew it wouldn't fit. Victory for me :)

But my title means something else. I'm not just physically feeling better. I'm mentally feeling better. At least right now, lol. Wednesday was rough. So was Thursday. Wednesday I had my very first counselling appointment at Weight Care. It was only my first session, so I don't know if I can have that much of an opinion right now, but the lady I saw seemed really nice, and her specialisation is lifestyle management, specifically weight management. The session in itself was good. But it was the effects of that session that I wasn't expecting.

It kind of opened a floodgate. A floodgate that really wasn't looking too sturdy because I was sick and cranky anyway. It brought feelings to the surface that I had a hard time dealing with later that day. Especially being back home by myself (still off sick from work). There was a lot of negativity and just melancholia. I had an inner battle over a package of mr. noodle's (you know those like instant ramen noodle things?) I looked up the NI. 400 calories, nevermind the sodium. I put it out of my mind. Except it didn't go very far. I calculated half of the package. I told myself that it wasn't worth it. I went back and forth. Thought I was safe and started preparing my lunch of a turkey sandwich on super healthy german bread. Then my head was back on those damn noodles. I got the package out of the cupboard. Analysed the NI again. Made a decision. Filled the pot with water. Made another decision and emptied the pot. Filled it again. Emptied it again. Finally threw the frickin noodles into the garbage where they belonged.

Win right? Well I very nearly lost. It really could have gone either way. I have no idea what stopped me (and it'd be nice to know what it was in order to call on it in the future!) I had my healthy sandwich and veggies and a few hours later when I wasn't feeling bloated and gross I could appreciate the decision I had made. But it was so close to being the wrong decision. That's what's scary. What's also scary is how long that debate went on. Seriously, like 30 mins of back and forth. That's an awful lot of my life gone on stupid ass things.

But I got through Wednesday (I may or may not have had a tear-filled breakdown on my bf later, but that's another story). Thursday was ok. My main problem was that I was BORED. I didn't want to risk work cause I was still not as close to 100% as I would have liked so I was home again. Bored, bored, bored. I had to keep telling myself that I wasn't hungry. Then I foraged in Sobey's for more fruit and healthy protein so I could have at least a good snack.

But finally, today I mentally feel better. I am recovered from Wednesday. I think it's partially due to how I'm feeling after my renewed attack on exercise, but it's also after reaching a pretty great milestone for myself. At the gym after work I was able to run for 20 mins without stopping! I've never done that before. I've been stuck on intervals before my trainer told me to go for a steady pace versus intervals. I've been scared, and now that fear is gone! It was a fantastic feeling. It may have been at 4.5, but who cares? Baby steps.

It's also because nutrition wise I'm starting to find that balance. I organised a staff lunch today. Pizza Hut. I love Pizza Hut. I get it for their greasy thick crust alone. Well, rather than throwing my whole day out the window I planned my meals accordingly. I had a light lunch and dinner to account for the 2 slices of pizza that I wanted. I then re-adjusted when I had a third slice and half a cup of pepsi (not diet! the horror!) I was over my calories for the day, but then I hit the gym. After my skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks I came in just under and I am extremely proud of that. In the past I would have had probably 4 slices of pizza, several cups of pop, and a whole lotta dipping sauce. Then I probably would have said "screw it" for the rest of the day. I may have gone over my plan but I didn't go crazy and I am 100% accountable for every bite of it. This is not my typical day, so I can handle it. This is very good progress.

So in all, I'm starting to feel better. Starting to get a handle on things. I'm not gonna lie and say I've got it in the bag. I feel like a recovering addict. One day at a time. I may lose it all another day, but I have this day to show that I can do it and that I'm moving in the right direction.