Not so scary

Yesterday I made the plan to go to spin class...and guess what? I actually went to spin class. It was hard. So hard. My legs were killing me. My breath was short. I felt like I weighed a tonne sitting on that bike. Really, mirrors in spin class are just mean. Anyway...I was also the biggest person in that room. That galled a bit. But as the demonic instructor was yelling at us I just focused on what I saw in the mirror. I focused on the bulge of my butt, the extra wide hips and I stared them down. I focused on them and just imagined that they were shrinking. That the pain and breathlessness were those heinous parts of me melting away. Gave me strength when I wanted to stop pedalling.

That was the hardest part. Getting in the door. Actually sucking it up and getting to the gym. I was scared. I admit that. There was total fear involved. I'm not proud of it. I don't feel like I totally conquered that fear. I feel better going to spin class. I'll go again next week, and I really want to go to the one the week after that since Goodlife is opening a brand new gym for that gym and the cycling room looks amazing. But I'm still scared of my resistance workouts. Scared to get into the gym and do what I did before. Scared for my back. Scared of how I look in the mirrors and what others may be thinking (though I realise this is in my head, but still...) Seeing how squishy I've gotten in the past 2 months. Not being able to use the amount of weight I did before. So many fears and self-doubts running around in my head.

I have tomorrow planned as my resistance day. Either at the gym in my condo, or at a Goodlife on the way home. It's a lower body workout. Lot of body weight exercises with speed burst cardio built in. I don't want to build up this huge program in my head and intimidate myself. I've done that before.

I can't psych myself out. I am my own worst enemy, and getting back into fitness is scary and hard for me. I'll update tomorrow on how it went.

In other news....I'm going to a WW meeting on Friday. I'm not even telling my bf. I don't need any negative reactions right now. I'm just pretending that I have to go early to work. I haven't been the biggest WW supporter in the last 2 years or so. But one of the main reasons I stopped going to meetings is because I didn't have one that I liked, and I can't do online...if you're capable of doing online, just use MFP...way better tracking system, and it's free. I was the most successful doing meetings. I've never replicated that on my own. Huh, guess all the research behind their product makes sense ;)

I am going to try. I was cleaning out my closet this past weekend and found my weight tracker from 2009. I was down to 139. Holy sh*t was all I could think. It was a real kick in the pants, eye opener, whatever cliched phrase you want to use. And I consistently went down each week. I went from 152 to 139 in about 7-8 weeks or so. Not too shabby.

Time to mark some papers and prepare for my weekend teaching gig...the fun never ends :)