I saw my counselor today and we were running through some of the issues I have with my inability to leave food if I see it. She told me that I have this Depression-era thinking that food is not going to be around, so I get the most of it when I can. This can stem back to my childhood (don't get me wrong, we were NEVER without food), but we had to travel 45 mins into the next town to get it, and we went twice per month (pay day). Eating out was a novelty, a treat. So I have this thinking that I am never going to have this special food so I'd better get as much of it as I can when I do get it. Fine when I was in a situation where it wasn't readily available. Not so fine when you live in the biggest city in Canada and literally everything is at your doorstep.
Anyway, she told me that probably the best solution for me was prevention. Don't have that trigger food. Don't go to ethnic restaurants (I think I had an episode at the Indian place on the weekend that would make my bf jealous, lol)...don't put yourself in the situation where you're going to have to face these huge temptations.
Now, I have a problem with this. How is that living?? How is turning down social engagements, always vetoing restaurants, never eating things that are truly pleasurable, living life? Why can't I be taught strategies for getting through these things, not just avoidance. Because you know what happens when you avoid? When, eventually, you are put back into that situation, you go friggin ape shit..pardon my language. You go nuts. I want to be taught moderation. How to learn to say no to some things, but that it's ok to say yes to some things. She told me that I wasn't interested in compromise. I said, no, that's not true. I don't KNOW HOW to compromise in a way that still allows me to live how I want to live and reach my goal. I am not adverse to cheat nights. I can do the 80/20 split. That's not a problem. But what happens when you have things that go over your allotted cheat meals? If my plan is 1 night out a week, what happens if there is more than one engagement? Say no? That seems odd. That seems like letting your problem control you rather than learning how to face and get over the problem.
I don't want to learn how to AVOID things...I want to learn how to CONTROL things. Avoidance is not the control strategy I want to use.
I want to eat those good foods. And then she told me, well maybe you're not ready for this. Maybe you're on your way to being ready, but not completely. Maybe you have to own up to the decisions you make, saying yes, maybe I would be in better shape if I didn't hit Baskin Robbins twice last week (this is an example, I haven't eaten ice cream in forever, lol). See that pisses me off. How am I not ready? How is my trying to find a way to have my cake and eat it too (hehe) not being ready? I want strategies (real ones, not avoiding), to deal with this situations. I want to know why I think the way I do and how to cope with it. I don't want to avoid life to be thin.
If I wasn't ready I never would have employed the various tools that I have. I think it's easier to avoid things than to learn how to deal with them. I can't avoid everything. I want the mental strategies to know how to cope, not pretend food doesn't exist.
Anyway...next week is my last session (I only get so many from my benefits). It's helped me to talk some things through. But I don't think we ever got to the root of what it was. Or if we did, I don't think we were coming at it from the same angle. I think hitting on the Depression-era mentality was important. But I am still no closer to figuring out how to conquer that, or changing my mindset, than I was at the beginning. That's frustrating. That means that I'm really no closer to figuring out my mental issues than I was 6 weeks ago. Looks like I'm back to figuring it out on my own. But at least I have some things to go on.
Bed...trainer session tomorrow.