I think I've been scared to write since the last post. It was in April, which is insane. What have I been doing since then? I moved, which was so incredibly stressful. I may live in this townhouse till I keel over just to keep from not moving again. I don't think anyone truly realises how alone I am, despite being with the Moroccan. I do everything, and I mean everything. So, when we moved, I organised absolutely everything. I packed everything. I cleaned everything. I found tenants for our condo. I organised the moving company and the rental car. And after we moved, I unpacked everything in the span of about 2 days because I was going back home to BC for vacation. I was exhausted. I went to BC and didn't think about ON until I was forced to get back on that plane. With my being away the Moroccan decided that that was the time to discuss relationship issues, so I had a lot of tense, late night calls that accomplished absolutely nothing because, what can you do with 3000 miles between you? When I got back, we actually articulated the issues again and both set to working on them, but we're a long way off from bridging the gaps.
So, that was my summer. I barely even recognised it. It's now fall, quickly moving to winter, and I'm in a slightly better head space, but not by much. I joined crossfit, which I love. Absolutely love. Though it royally sucks 99.9% of the time, (and 100% of the time any time the damn WOD includes running, ugh) I still love it. I can't do much. My max deadlift is 145 lbs compared to some girls' 250, but whateves. I'm getting stronger. I should have tried crossfit a long time ago. Someone told me I wasn't ready. But I believe that was monetarily fueled as she was my PT at the time, and if I joined crossfit, I wouldn't be able to afford personal training. It's insanely scary, but I do what I can, and I work hard doing what I can. I can't do pull ups...I get a "baby" bar and have it as high as my arms can reach, and then I do jumping pull ups. I can only do wallballs with a 10 lb medicine ball, and when the WODs include running, I am always, always, always last. But who the fuck cares? I finish them, and I am so proud of myself. My arms are becoming defined. My waist is smaller, and I can feel new muscles in my butt and legs. My one caveat is my back. My stupid, stupid back and it's stupid stupid problems. I have to be so incredibly careful with my deadlifts and kettlebell swings because I am throwing it out of wack on a fairly regular basis. Even when I'm careful. I'm now having to plan in a core strengthening day into my week, so I can get it sorted out. I need to do some insane stretching and core strength work otherwise, what the hell am I going to do when I'm like 60? Or older? Or what if (dear lord, not now please) I get pregnant? That is absolutely murder on your back...I would be in near constant pain and who wants that?
Thank god for massages and benefits that cover them. I'm also thinking of getting one of those weight lifting belts to stabilise my core while I'm getting stronger. I need something to keep my back safe while I am starting out.
As for food, well, that hasn't really changed for me. Except for one thing. I am working out so hard, that it's absolutely just pissing me off that I am ruining it with my nutrition. I have bought books on clean eating, paleo, and even the zone, to educate myself further. I can't afford WW, and while I'm down for tracking my food, I don't want to count it anymore. I am sick of counting calories. I just want to eat, and know that I'm doing it right because of what it is, and what it isn't. I am not saying I'm going to 100% follow paleo or something like that, but I think I am just going to experiment to find out what balance works for me. I don't 100% believe in paleo, because of the zero grain thing, and I'm pretty sure our ancient ancestors ate some form of grain, just not as we know them right now.
I also want my bf to be healthy. He's gotten so chubby lately because of his work schedule, and it's all belly fat, which in the land of body fat is pretty bad. I need him to not keel over from a heart attack at the age of 31, so getting us both back on track is pretty motivating.
I don't offer any promises, or gestures here. I needed to vent, so I did, because I'm feeling sore and cranky, and the abovementioned bf has been on the phone with clients for the last 3 hours and I'm just feeling melancholy.
I have spin tomorrow, and crossfit on wed and fri. Maybe I'll try and find a bodyflow class happening Thursday. Something to take the pressure off.
Have a good week.
